Where are we and what have we learned? First, I will share that we’re in a good place. It’s a different place, but a good one. The rules have changed a bit, because Grant changed them. And, I am really ok with that (Until he changes another. I might do some foot stamping again when, not if, he does that!). I don’t really like change because it’s harder to maintain my sense of balance (aka control), but I do understand that it is part of growth and without forward motion all things do and will decline.
There was a time in our DD venture that every step needed to be discussed beforehand, worked through, weighed and tried out. We were new and that’s how we did things. It’s better and safer that way, to have lots and lots of communication before trying new things. We’re past that place now. Our needs have changed. We’ve found that there’s enough groundwork of trust and understanding that we can just kind of go with the flow, and while new thing still feel new, they don’t always need to be negotiated. We don’t need to be so careful with each other in that way. Grant doesn’t have to be so careful with me. He reads me like a book. Our DD interactions are often intuitive and in the moment. I can handle that smoothly some of the time, and when I can’t, we work through it together. I trust him.
Looking back, I now understand that we, Grant and Sara, needed a correction. We had drifted off course due to life events…my illness, Grant’s illness, and then a gentle new beginning of our DD. Except that, there was a lot that had changed, and we were not the same, neither of us individually or as a couple, and the transition from the old DD, the way things were, into a hiatus, into the new DD was not seamless at all.
I used to be very into spanking. I initiated DD and wanted it to work very badly in our marriage. I used to be very focused on pleasing Grant, meeting his expectations, following his lead. I thought hard about what was between us and tried to be the best (not very submissive) submissive wife I could be.
The faucet: No, he did not tell me it was a spanking offence in advance, but in retrospect, clearly I was not taking his requests seriously. I was not listening or paying attention. I used to be able to hear him better, I think. I doubt that two years ago I would have gone weeks and weeks (months?) being asked to do something and simply not get it done. He wouldn’t have had to spank me. It was about more than a faucet.
The morning spanking: it certainly was a rude awakening to be hauled back into the bedroom, hair done, make-up on, suit donned…work persona intact. My armor. Here’s the thing, Grant did what he did for a very specific reason. We’ve talked and he has explained it. I did not realize it, but I had begun to use my work, that persona, as a way to keep a distance between us. He felt quite simply that he needed to make an intervention. Working out what was between us in our marriage, getting through a punishment due, was more important than going to work, or messing my hair, or having to reapply makeup. It was very early. He knew he wasn’t making me late, and he knows I can flex any schedule anyway, because I am the boss at work. Because he is the boss at home, he can flex any schedule I have at home. He is very respectful of my work. He does not interfere with my work commitments. However, he felt an important issue between us needed to be resolved. It was about more than the right or wrong argument between us.
The contractor and “getting ready”: Grant never told me what to do to “get ready” for a spanking in the past because in going on eight years he never had to. I thought about what would help me process and I did it. I came up with a getting ready routine that included sitting to think, to focus, for punishment spankings. Apparently Grant valued this effort. I wanted DD to work for us so I worked at it. I realize now that I had stopped working on it, or maybe never restarted once we stopped.
Sometime in the last six months we went from recovery to recovered to a new beginning. That new beginning was tenuous because I knew he had been unable to be there for me when he was ill. I felt I needed to stand apart, to be on my own. I became pretty independent because it was what I needed to do. Later, giving up that freedom came admittedly with a small amount of regret. I missed him terribly. I missed the closeness in our marriage. I still wanted DD, but honesty, I also enjoyed not having to worry about what he wanted or expected. I liked not being as restricted by his ideas. I stayed within our basic rules myself, out of respect, but I also did my own thing.
When we agreed to begin again, it was Grant’s decision to take it all very slowly. In fact, sometimes he seemed to be taking forever, and I stopped worrying about it. I handed it over to him in a new and different way than I ever had before. Again, I just kind of did my own thing and told him to let me know when and how he wanted to reinitiate…things. And I waited. But this time the waiting was not anxious waiting but passive waiting. I am not so very much into spanking in the same way I was. (I think that’s a libido issue that may change with further healing.) I don’t stress when I’ve gone too long, when maintenance is forgotten, when a punishment is not delivered. Newer DD wives typically get anxious when he forgets and wonder what it all means. “Maybe he’s not so into DD?” they fret. I was not worried! I was FINE with whatever level he wanted to take this to. And I still am! I haven’t given tremendous focus to our rules. No, they are not written rules and never have been, but I know the expectations. DD for us has always been about respect, priorities….doing the “right” things. I can do TTWD in my sleep now…and maybe I kinda was?
I did sort of think a landscaper wasn’t a contractor, but now it has also occurred to me that I was so intent on getting this done fast, wanting it NOW, that I pushed aside the idea that he might object and just made the appointment. Some part of me knew there was a chance he wouldn’t like that. I didn’t care enough to not do it. I am not saying I made a conscious decision to be defiant. I am saying that I can now admit that my irritation at having to wait for him, and then defiance, was lurking somewhere in the back of my subconscious mind.
The old Sara most likely would have checked with Grant before making the appointment. I remember having an epiphany early in our DD marriage. If I asked myself “What would Grant think” before acting, it saved me a whole lot of grief. If I didn’t know the answer, I simply asked him before taking action. It feels, and is, restrictive at times, but that is all part of functioning as a couple not a sole person in this world. I have plenty of places where I do and am on my own, but not in our marriage. And while I don’t always agree with his boundaries, I understand and respect the motivations. He doesn’t want me meeting a contractor alone for the first time. He doesn’t want me to be ripped off or taken advantage of. He wants to make sure the guy is decent and respectful of me and our home. He is a protector, and he feels it is his job to screen people, to protect me. It’s not something that is ever going to change about my man, and the one thing he asked of me when we began DD, his one hard-line, non-negotiable, was that safety was 100% his call. I agreed to that, and can I just tell you it is mind-boggling how many things can come down to safety in an alpha male’s mind! Who knew???
The “corner time”: THAT was new. It was something we had toyed with in erotic play. But early on, in the first couple of years of DD, when I would send Grant people’s DD writings on this and that, or explain “some people do …corner time, write lines, are grounded…etc”, we talked about our feelings about what might work for us. Grant strongly objected to the concept of corner time. I didn’t feel one way or the other about it, but it was a hard-line for HIM. He said he thought it was humiliating and childlike, and he wasn’t doing anything like that to me. “Besides,” he said, “you spend way too much time in your head as it is. The last thing I want to do is to put you somewhere and leave you alone to think!” And he was right, for who I was, for who he was, for where we were…at that time.
Now…well he used it. Who knows where he came up with the idea last week. He says that we talked about it a year and a half ago, and I said it was something we should consider trying. I have absolutely no memory of that. However, as it happens, in that moment, when he did what he did, it was really the perfect thing to do.
Why? Because it was not until I began to take off my clothes that I experienced taking off my cover. That process of taking off my dress, my bra…(the panties were long gone)… functioned as the last piece to help me get real and come back to him. Standing naked in front of him is hard, but it is something I have been asked to do numerous times before and I have learned to do it. He loves my body and feels I should never be ashamed or shy in front of him. After all, he’s seen all of me for 33 years, watched me give birth to 3 babies. I think I’ll always be a bit shy…but I now can and do show myself to him.
In retrospect, standing there naked and alone for a few minutes allowed me to gather myself and begin a thinking process. And this time I needed to think. I became aware of how stripping off my clothes felt like stripping off the armor I was not even aware I was wearing. In the next day or so I processed what had happened that night, what had happened over the last 10 days, and realized that in numerous small ways I had been holding myself apart from Grant, going through the motions in my submission, and Grant had not been calling me on it. Maybe it took him time to get a handle on the issues too. And yes, in subtle ways I was using my work to stay very busy and to hold him off. I was maintaining my firm grip on a world where he can’t come and he has no say, as a way to maintain my independence. It’s hard to explain, because I won’t work any less hours, or dress any differently this week. It’s not always what you do but how you do it. I think that night when he came home to punish me, by staying dressed to the nines, and being there, supposedly following orders, yet not undressed at all, not in the bedroom but at my work computer, I was unconsciously communicating to Grant that he could spank me, but he was spanking the CEO, not his wife. His wife was unavailable.
As an analyst, I know there are always layers of meanings behind every action, every word. We are only conscious of the top few, and the rest stays hidden unless we do some digging. I don’t know that Grant consciously knew how I was defying him, standing up to him, but intuitively he felt it, and intuitively he came up with the idea that he needed to get me out of those clothes and naked and in the corner to get through to me, to create an event that would make me think, and pull me to my senses.
I don’t know all of why I was so disconnected with that submissive side of myself, but clearly I was, and clearly it was standing in the way of us moving past our last year and into the future of our marriage. It was preventing us from resuming DD in the way Grant wants us to, and believes we need to. I want that too. A couple of months ago, when he told me he was going to take things slow, he also told me he would let me know when and how he wanted to move forward. He told me a lot of that would depend on what he thought I and we needed. He said he’d be watching and he’d figure it out. I said “You’ll let me know?” He said “Yep, I will let you know.”
I now consider myself fully informed.