Morning Spankings

They’ve become a more regular thing around here. He likes to catch me on my way to work, dressed and ready.

husband spanking

G: “So…when are you due in the office today?”

S: “In about an hour.”

G: “Oh good, then back in the bedroom!”

S: “Grant, I still have things to do!”

G: “This won’t take long, I promise!”

He delights in flipping up my skirt, pulling down my stockings, and delivering a quick hair brushing.

G: “Who loves you the most?”

S: “Ouch!…You do!”

G: “That’s right!”

S: “Stop, you’ve made your point!”

G: I’’ll stop when I’m ready to stop.”

S: sigh…

G: “I just want to make sure you remember the love at work today Babe!”

 

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1930's Vintage Ebony Hairbrush

1930’s Vintage Ebony Hairbrush

G: “Why are you running around my bathroom naked woman?”

S: “This is MY bathroom and because I have that big meeting today and I’m trying to get ready!”

He comes up behind me…

S: “Stop that! I’m blow drying my hair!”

Whack, whack…whack whack.

G: “I think you need to come into the bedroom right now!”

S: “I don’t have time!!!”

G “When do you have to leave?

S: “Graaaant!”

“That’s what I thought. You have time. This won’t take 5 minutes. Come in here!”

He pulls me over his lap, hairbrush ready…

S:  “Ouch! Ouch! Geez, can’t you just use your hand?”

G: “Sure.”

S: “OUCH! Why are your hands so hard?

G: “Because I work out. Now, (whack, whack) what’s the very most important thing in my life?”

S … “Me”

G: “That’s right!”

He spanks a bit more and then…

G: “OK, you can get up. I just want to make sure you know I’m behind you today.”

S: “OH, I’ll be feeling it! I love you.”

G: “Good! I love you too!”

Hitting The Wall…Again

How many times have you hit the wall in your DD marriage? I can’t count how many times we have, but this week was yet another crash.

It’s an odd feeling, to be so far along in our dynamic and to also feel somehow like we’re at the beginning of new things. It’s not a bad place, necessarily, to be changing things up, but in many ways it’s just as awkward as it was in the very beginning, when we were trying to figure TTWD out for the first time.

I’ve changed and so has he. And we’ve changed as a family, and that’s effected us as a couple and as individuals. And…we’re older. We’ve evolved. We’re in a different place in our lives. Perhaps new times call for new things? Maybe.

I began reading books on dominance and control, on submission and power dynamics in the last 6 months…more generic books that were not specifically about domestic discipline but about power exchange. Then we began reading a couple of books together. I think we were already venturing into new areas, but the books might have helped us think about TTWD in a broader context. We Dd-ers tend to think of ourselves as a separate and isolated group, but really, in my opinion, Dd just a version of many varieties of D/s dynamic. We like to define ourselves with titles and cluster into camps defined by our differences. I think the similarities of the many kinds of D/s relationships are more alike than not.

At any rate, like it was when we began, we are trying a few new things and Grant has pushed some of my boundaries. That’s been ok. Much of this has been intentional on his part and mostly ok with me…but some not intentional and some not well received. That gets us into that same old catch 22 we spun around during our 1st few years of Dd. Who’s in charge? Who’s call is it when something is perceived as too much by me? Are there and should there be boundaries? We’re in a 24/7 D/s relationship, but when should I, when can I, say “No!”. When is a “No” a necessary as opposed to a resistant “No”, and what should his response to that be? Is my saying “No!” simply wrestling for control or hitting a hard-line, something on the inside that is triggering, and that is causing me distress? How do I know? How can he know? If I tell him is it topping or telling? Can he receive my telling without feeling topped?

We went through a somewhat disastrous disciplinary interaction this week. It was very new for us, and it left me feeling more than dominated …something edging towards squashed. It frightened me.  I think Grant had no clue for days how seriously shaky I was. I simply shut down. He thought the shut down was a shut out, that I was angry, and I am sure I appeared that way. Anger is always a good cover for fear. I didn’t know what else to do but to step back and try to figure things out. Work schedules and some careful timing allowed me several days of complete avoidance. We barely saw each other and when we passed briefly I was careful but closed.When he pushed at me I froze and disappeared.

I just didn’t know how I felt, or how I should feel. It seemed to me that he had lost control with me, lost his temper, and that just doesn’t work for me. The essence of D/s is that the s submits to a D who is in control of himself, the situation, and then can take control of (care of) his s. Grant had seemed out of control. At least that is how it felt to me. To be VERY clear, he did not physically hurt me, not any more than any typical disciplinary spanking might. It was the speed, his anger and his tone. It was my fury and fear and that he let that sit between us. I was not physically hurt, although in my head I was sure I would be truly bruised. Funny that, because I was not bruised at all. Not a mark. But the intensity of the emotional interaction felt bruising. Maybe on the inside?

We went from two days of mostly silence to two of fighting, and finally this morning to being able to talk.  To be fair, he had tried to get me to talk to him, but then each time I expressed my feelings he countered with his facts. We got nowhere. It took quite a while to sort through, for me to be able to express without accusing him, and him to be able hear without invalidating me. And the facts are not the same from the two people who were in the room. I felt

he lost control while he felt he was 100% in control. I am uncomfortable with how he did things, while he felt it was called for. I am not sure whether it will happen again (at one point he said he “hoped not, but if warranted…”) or whether I might experience a repeat as emotionally hurtful if he went there again. I honestly don’t know.

I think that at the end of the day, if I don’t feel safe we have no ground to stand on as “safe, sane and consensual”, and I do believe Grant will take the new information that I was finally able to express this morning… that what he did scared me, made me feel like he was out of control (even if he wasn’t,) into account.  I think it was triggering for me. What he will ultimately do with that information, I’m not sure.

TTWD is no simple thing. Exchanging power, dominating and submitting, communicating about that as you MUST, is hard. Making a D/s relationship satisfying, effective, and ultimately graceful is the goal. TTWD continues to take effort. Doing it well is never a guarantee and growing means taking risks and being willing to stretch and grow. Sometimes it means learning to push through the fear. It also sometimes means backing up. We’ll see…

How We Have Changed TTWD…Our Kind of DD

I found this in my draft folder this morning. Oddly enough I was going to write about this very issue, but from a different place, where I am now. This was written last February. It’s interesting how we change, how our dynamic shifts and evolves, isn’t it?  I don’t remember what he had done, what I had done. I do remember I got spanked at the end. Well duh!

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I’m not having a good morning, and it seems he perfect time to write the post I’ve had rattling in my head since I read this by Saoirse: “He’s Wrong! Very, very wrong!” Her post actually turned into a 3 part series. I’ll also refer you to my own version from several years ago: “When DD is Not Fair“.

I’m angry. I’m hurt. And I’m at work early sitting on sore bottom. If you’ve read Saoirise’s posts, or mine, you’ll already realize that he real question is not what he did or I did, but how do I get myself from here:

hands on hips

To here:

turn the other cheek

I don’t want to be fighting with my husband. The issue has spanned several days and he told me to be home at 5:15 and there would be a punishment. I texted him back that he apparently forgot I had a date with my future daughter-in-law and her girlfriend and would not be home until later. He went out, and when I got home I went to bed. Then I received a text that said: “This argument is over tomorrow.” I did not answer. I was too angry. He texted me back: “I know you are there–” He’s smart like that. I texted back: “What?” Did I mention how angry I was? Then I figured I’d best say something more, so I added: “I am in bed going to sleep.” Then came, “Ok. Good night. I love you.” I did not answer.

I was up early this morning and hoped to sneak out early to work. Not to avoid a spanking because he never does anything first thing in the morning, but rather because I was angry, and wanted to simply be gone, remove myself. I had hoped to wrap my head around being punished when I did not deserve it before this evening. I knew e was not changing his mind and I was done arguing my point. He surprised me by waking very early and caught be dressed for work, coat on….

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….and he insisted I take my coat off and come back into the bedroom, and he pulled up my dress, down my panties, and I was thoroughly spanked before work. Yes, I was indeed mad. I usually am when I am punished these days. (I really don’t do much to be truly repentant about at this point in our lives…at least not from my perspective). And yeah, he was truly sorry I was mad, and sorry he felt he had to spank, but not in the least sorry to spank. He sees it as his role, his prerogative, his responsibility and he works hard to the very best of his ability to never shirk his duties in our marriage!

So what has changed? I think mostly it’s that we have shifted into a place where the DD is his to have and to hold, as am I. He decides, he sometimes spanks, he forgives, and I am free to do and feel whatever it is I need to do and feel. The two may not always have much to do with each other and the big change is, that it is mostly OK with me. I have fought this for years. I have felt it was always my role to submit, but in my heart, if I was unjustifiably punished, I felt wronged in a way that always needed resolution before we could move on. It was a big deal emotionally. Now…eh, not so much. I still get mad. I still know when he’s wrong. And if anything I argue more and even while going to him and laying myself over his lap. Why? Because (unless the moment is causing me true emotional trauma) the worst that can be damaged is my bottom. I’ve let go in a new way. The man won’t beat me to death, and in fact he doesn’t beat me. He spanks me with a hair brush or strap, which hurts a heck of a lot, and which upon occasion might even make me cry…but then I can be mad for a while, and then it’s over. The fight is over. The discord is over. It might be we have come to some agreement (funny how a spanking can open up the blood flow to the brain and give a gal a new perspective). Or it might be I am as sure as I was pre-paddling that he’s an idiot  that I am right and he is wrong. I’ll be mad for a little while and then I will forgive him his deranged manly ideas, and we simply move on. He’s changed too. He doesn’t always need me to agree with him or to think he was right. After all, he knows he was right. He is always right. He’s a man. My man. He’s genetically programmed and happens to be an infuriatingly dominate and bossy sort and he mostly thinks he’s always right. And I married him and I love him, and that feature comes with this particular model. And yes, I admit it. I knew this about him going in.

Just this weekend we had one of those kind of spankings. A stupid argument, his hurt feelings, and a decision to spank me after dining at the pub with our son, which he told me on the way there so I could savor it. I ordered a martini as soon as we got there. He was wrong. He had said something really dumb wrong which he admitted to and apologized for, which was followed by a “But you shouldn’t have…” Yeah, so why do I get spanked while he apologizes? Because that’s the way we do things. Sigh…I asked for this. I need to be spanked even though I don’t want to be. I might be genetically programmed for that? I sometimes hate it but I accept I need it. So once again, he came into the bedroom when I was in my jammies and got out that damn ebony hairbrush.  I looked at him with a well composed and moderately challenging glare and asked “You’re kidding me right?” I tried to stare him down, and I find it’s important to always look surprised…to act like he’s out of his mind. Maybe because once in a blue moon it works, and just for my own self respect?

However, I was surprised he picked that hairbrush. The issue was small to my way of thinking and that’s some serious implement. We don’t always agree on what’s a small issue either :( . I braced myself and went to him when he sat and told me to come. I went obediently if not quietly over his lap. I was prepared for the worst, but he started spanking over my pajamas (which is unusual) and hard-ish, but not as hard as he might have. There were none of the usual “You know why you’re here, right?” The pajamas came down but after maybe 2 minutes he stopped spanking. He just held me there. I wondered what point he was making? Submission? He asked “Are you still mad?” I took a quick mental assessment and realized, no, I was  not mad. Not at him, not even at the spanking. I was right, but that had little to do with being over his lap. I told him honestly, “No, I am not mad.” There was no edge to my voice. I wasn’t mad. I was sorry I was getting spanked, but not mad. He resumed spanking just hard enough create that burn, and then he just stopped.

Grant: “OK, you’re done.”

Sara: “Ok. ……… Um…what is this?”

Grant: “Do you need more? If the spanking wasn’t enough…”

Sara: “NO! It was more than enough!” He was still holding me down, but had released his grip. I slipped off his lap quickly while I still could. “I’m just not sure what that spanking was about. Were you just making sure I would submit ?”

Grant: “Of course not.  I know you will submit. It was about making sure you weren’t still angry and that we could have a peaceful evening.”

Sara: “Oh.”

Grant: “I love you.” He pulled me to him.

Sara: “I love you too.”

It turned out to be a pretty good weekend!

hugs hand on butt

A Thought for The Day on Marriage

me we

How many times in my marriage has it come down to finding the balance between me and we? Countless times. It can’t be all about me. Not unless I want to be alone, whether married or not. On the other hand,  it can’t be all about the we either, because at its extreme, we could lose connection to our me, who we each are, being true to our real selves and our needs.

At it’s best we are both focused on the we, and the give is more than the take, and that makes lots of room for the me within the we. Other times one or both of us is not focused on the we, or we miss the others signals and one of us finds our me starts to lose out, to be ignored, at the worst times, to suffocate. In truth, you can’t have a healthy we without two healthy stand-alone me’s either.

This thing called a relationship is an ongoing and ever evolving balancing act, isn’t it?

D/s is simply a way to find a balance that works for us. It doesn’t change any of the realities of what a healthy relationship looks like. It is a means to the very same end.

A New 1st

It’s a time for new beginnings. My very first post was on September 1st 2007. That makes tomorrow the 6th anniversary of my blog, and also our 8th DD anniversary.

Thursday we packed for a long weekend in the mountains and I was to be ready by 12 Noon. He let me pick the time, but was clear he expected me to be ready when I said I would. What is it with men and schedules? It was an arbitrary time I picked and I should have said 1 PM when I meant 12 Noon because being early never bothers him. So I was rushed. I went into work to take care of a few last-minute pre-vacation details and then rushed home to pack. He picked up on my tension and decided he should remind me that 12 Noon was 30 minutes away and that I didn’t look ready to him. Does the obvious really need saying? Did he think I forgot? Did he really think making me stop to listen to him would help me be ready sooner? I gave him a look and a curt “Whatever”.

I was indeed totally ready on the dot of Noon, bags in the hallway. Apparently the Noon deadline was not all THAT important because he then felt fine in delaying our departure 10 minutes by insisting we needed to visit the bedroom and have a go-round with the hairbrush for my “Whatever” comment. It took a full 10 minutes because I needed to argue, remind him I was on time so he had unnecessarily aggravated me by thinking he needed to remind me. No dice. He reminded me that “Whatever” in that tone really means something less pleasant than me being kind and respectful (OK, so he does have a point there). I don’t often go OTK nicely these days. He spanked some measure of cooperation into me and then let me up. We would have been fine and done if he hadn’t needed to then add in, “You do know I don’t like having to do that?” It turned out that “As if I give a rip?” was not the response he had been looking for. Spanking round-two commenced and this time I managed to curb my tongue if not my thoughts.

And so another vacation began, and another year of a DD marriage begins. He’s sometimes flummoxed by my less than enthusiastic perspective on spanking and DD these days. We worked really hard to get where we are and I encouraged and responded to consistency and structure and discipline. Now…well I’m less encouraging and often don’t make his job very easy. But the truth is I’m actually really glad we still do DD, that he hasn’t given up on it or on me, and although I most often don’t appreciate it in the moment, it’s truly freeing to have a solid wall to push against. I wouldn’t like it much if he let me walk on him or allowed me to take the reins. I’d lose respect and then lose interest. I wouldn’t feel safe.

I don’t think there’s any right or wrong to our dynamic, and it surely is not for everyone, but it IS what works best for us. I feel very safe in my marriage when he’s in his Dom mode. I have learned and accepted that I simply do have a submissive core than responds instinctively to his Dominance, while there are other parts of me that are feisty and independent and at times rebellious. It’s really nice to be able to be who I am and know that he’ll deal with it somehow. It doesn’t always go smoothly, because neither life nor people are perfect. When he’s not at his best, on his game, I have to be more careful, more vigilant, and that leads to stress for me and ultimately then for him. When we have a good D/s rhythm going, we’re both better and more capable in multiple aspects of our lives, both in and outside of our marriage.

I’ve learned in these past 8 years that I really really like being taken care of and being dominated, and he really really likes taking care of and dominating me. That took a while to learn, to come to terms and make peace with. I’ve learned that I can be as strong and independent as I need and want to be and also have a need to be taken care of. I can be feisty, and still my inner submissive needs to be dominated regularly. We’ve both figured that out. I’ve done a lot of reading in these past months about dominance and submission in general. Our lifestyle is not a political statement, not connected to a religious order, and is not a model for anyone else to follow. It sprung from our personal needs, our psycho-sexual makeup, and then developed around who we are and what we want and need within the inner sanctum of our marriage.

I can only say that I am so glad we took the risk to find out who we are, underneath the masks of our normal everyday marriage, and I realize that the dynamic we have will be ever-changing and evolving as long as we continue to be able to learn and grow. This Thing We Do has elevated our marriage from ordinary to extraordinary. I’m very grateful!

It’s Been Five Months???!

Wow, I had no clue. I kept meaning to write….

Life has changed a great deal in these many months while I’ve been away from blogland, and in some ways hardly at all. I’m not exactly sure why I stopped writing. I think I needed a break. I think I needed to step away from the online Dd-D/s world, my friends and acquaintances, and allow myself (and us) to figure out how and who we were going to be in this new phase of our lives all by ourselves, rather than in the midst of influence and opinion. Does that make sense? Grant has asked me to at very least write and let you know we are alive and well, not despondent divorced or dead. Our new “3 D’s”? Post kids, post menopause, as long as we’re not any of those, we can handle the rest.

So many changes. It’s been a year of recovery and I finally hit my one year anniversary of the hysterectomy, which means I am mostly fully recovered (although I am forever changed). Hormones and vital internal equipment, or the loss there of, has an impact on a body and changes more than one would ever imagine….just about everything mind and body has been affected. I won’t even go there with what it does to one’s sex life.

Our family cat died. He was 16. Our dog died a few months later at 13. Our son and his girl were engaged. We gave a large engagement party at our home, met all the in-laws, etc, the people with whom we will share grandchildren one day. They are now planning a wedding and by this time next year our son will be a married man. Our daughter left us to continue her University studies. Today she’ll be gone a week. She’s far, no longer in these 50 states and I miss her terribly. She’s just where she needs to be and doing what she loves and I am also very proud of her. Our younger son traveled the country for 2 months this summer and came home to get his bearings and begin the next phase of his life. He’ll be 21 soon, and he’ll be living somewhere else by next September. Our nest is close to empty and Grant and I have been through illness and THE change of life, and …well… now what?

What now indeed. Neither of us wants to retire, even if we could, although I’ll be 56 soon and he’s in his 60’s. There are kids pursuing educations that we’d like to fund, and we both enjoy our work. But…we’d like to slow down a bit. We’re committed to trying that. Honestly, Grant is more than I am. I have a hard time with not living my life at warp speed. He’s trying to “help” me which at times is appreciated and sometimes aggravates us both.

I truly don’t know just where I’ve been or am going, but I do know if I had kept writing during this time I would have been a terrible example for all of my readers who sometimes look to me to be an example of the kind of woman they aspire to be. I’ve fought myself, fought Grant, called a break to Dd, recommitted, changed the terms, and now…well we’re still finding our way. But maybe I can begin to write again with a new perspective. I’ll try.

I don’t care as much as I used to. I know that sounds awful, but I always tell the truth here, as I see it. I am not as interested in Dd. I believe in it. I know it works for us and for me. Yes, I recommitted, yes we ‘do’ it, yes we have the same old rules and expectations, but the truth is I think much of my drive was to make a peaceful home for our kids, to set an example, to be what I was supposed to be at that time in my/our lives. Now…well now the kids are grown up and it’s more or less between us Grant and I, and I am sometimes less interested in being told what to do and when and why. I cooperate as much as I can and when I can’t I don’t. And yes, sometimes he spanks me for that.

The difference is that I don’t fret over it as much, not in the same way, and I do argue with him over it more. I have to do what I need to and he has to do what he needs to. I am very committed to taking this time in my life to be who I am. Most times that works out just fine. Sometimes it doesn’t, and he’s as committed to spanking as he ever was. So the dance is the same but the rhythm has definitely changed. He leads and I follow, as best as I can, and I don’t always care so much if I fall out of step with whatever number he happens to be dancing. Sometimes I just have to dance to my own beat, the one I hear inside of me, you know? And I do know we’ll come back together sooner or later, one way or the other.

My drive to be what he wants me to be is less, and my need to be what I want me to be is more, which might sound somewhat selfish, but it’s true. I don’t know exactly why I feel that way, but I do. Maybe I’m too old to worry about what anyone else thinks? I want him to be happy with me and I like when he’s pleased, but it’s important to me that I be who I need to be. Honestly, Grant is trying very hard to understand and support me. He’s even trying to support me when he doesn’t understand. He’s taken to leaving that damn hairbrush sitting out in the bedroom so it’s ever so handy, and I’ve take to avoiding him and it at opportune times. I’m more into a D/s dynamic, I think – when I feel like it. He’s become even more committed to our DD lifestyle.

Isn’t life funny, how things ebb and flow, how dynamics flip? I am now married to a true spanko (what the heck?!) who is convinced the lifestyle of Domestic Discipline is the only sane way to be married. In many ways I am along for the ride in this lifestyle now, as he had been in the first number of years when we started. When we started…maybe some 8 years ago?
So, I’m fine, we’re fine. I want to try to get back to writing, but I don’t want to promise in case I can’t deliver. And I want to read. I haven’t read one blog in months and months. When I logged into my blog today to post, I found 18 unapproved comments, numerous questions. I feel terrible for just disappearing.

Please don’t think I didn’t care because I always have. I needed to go away to re-find myself. Finding Sara. Hmmm, I guess the name still fits.

The New Rules – Over 50

I’m traveling today, back from a wonderful mother daughter trip with my favorite daughter…my one and only! :) I try to be a cool Mom, to keep up with trends, and to age gracefully. Then I read this article this morning and realized I am getting quite a few things all wrong! :shock: Who knew?!?
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Words Never To Say When You’re Over 50

: Editor, Post 50

We’re all guilty of muttering something off-putting now and then, but there are simply a few words and phrases that — according to some — are just plain strange to hear coming out of the mouths of post 50s. Sure, there are words that no one of any age should say on the Internet without starting a flame war. There also are terms no one should use to describe themselves on LinkedIn.

And no one, in 2013, should be uttering “bromance,” or “oh, awkward” or “binders full of women.”

But there are also, definitely, words that probably never should come out of the mouths of those with an AARP card. Never. Like, ever.

Huff/Post50 asked our readers and Facebook fans what they thought and here are a few of their responses.

JoAnn Forrester said post 50s should never say “girlfriend,” “neat,” or “can I fix you dinner?”

Kim Dunshie Herning said it depends on who you’re talking to. “It is not ‘cool’ to use your teenager’s current slang in any conversation with any age group to try to be ‘with it.’ Salty, swag? What the heck do these words mean? And you won’t catch me calling any male or female ‘dude’,” she said.

Johnny Hoppe argued that only words and phrases that have lost their cool or were never cool to begin with should be avoided, such as “par-tay”, “_______ NOT!”, “Compassionate Conservatism” or “Squib me deux Zima, G-bones!”

“Words of this ilk should only be used ironically and under professional supervision and always with protective headgear,” he said.

Roe Breslin said that, after a shopping trip to Target last week, her 39-year-old daughter announced that one should never use the word “panties” after a certain age.

“I said ‘okay, then, underpants’,” she said. “She said that was worse, so I give up.”

Alma Murchin said she hates when she hears people over 50 use Internet slang like BRB. “Really, save that for the teens,” she said. Laura Hoffman said she can’t stand people to use old fashioned expressions like “another day another dollar!”

So what words don’t you like to hear or say? Here’s our list of nine words we believe you have no business saying over 50.

1. Totes. Unless you’re referring to that lovely large bag with two handles you’re carry on the plane with you.

2. Freakin’. Although “freakin’ a” is so much worse.

3. Hottie. Please only say this if you’re trying to order a toddy of some kind and not when you’re eyeing the sexy guy at the bar.

4. Smashed. This is what happened to the vase when the cat knocked it on the floor, not your state of inebriation after a night out with friends.

5. Girlfriend or boyfriend. Although I’m not sure what would replace it. Partner? Special friend? That guy who buys me nice jewelry?

6. LOL. If you say that to me, I’ll just GOL and tell you to BO.

7. Like. This vocalized pause only makes you seem unsure of yourself.

8. YOLO. “You only live once.” My 12-year-old daughter and her friends said this much of last year. It’s time for this trend to go away, especially if you’re over 50.

9. Rich or Sick. Do these mean the same thing? Don’t know and don’t care.

Guess I’m not as “cool” as I’d hoped! ;)

 

A Question of Sexuality, DD, and Stormy

Since March is Question and Answer Month, and I have not opened myself to that so far (been way to busy getting spanked for questions and answers! :shock: ) I took a question from my last post to offer some answers and thoughts.

Sue asked:
A short time back you mentioned that you have learned that DD IS sexual, because once you lost your sexual desires you didn’t want to be spanked at all. In this post you also mention that your libido has affected it.

Yes Sue, my libido has been radically affected by a total surgical hysterectomy. That slammed me into what they call “surgical menopause’ which I assure you is not pretty! One of the many symptoms is a loss of libido and sexual responsiveness. It includes a complete disinterest in sex, spanking…pretty much anything along those lines. I was not “turned off”, but disconnected. It’s a very odd feeling. It truly felt as if someone had simply unplugged some part of me on the inside. And I guess they did.

Hormones have helped. Treatment for my anemia which was recently diagnosed has helped too. I am fatigued a lot. I do believe the fundamental interest in spanking has a sexual basis.

Boy do I wish more of the women in DD would admit to this. It’s a sexual fetish. There’s nothing wrong with it, but they try to make it so much more than it is. Getting spanked may not lead to sex, or even be remotely connected to it in each circumstance, but as a whole, it is a sexual activity. Whenever both mates are completely satisfied sexually, the marriage will be happier, which is why DD works for some…it’s how they find sexual satisfaction.

That’s where I would disagree. I do think an interest in spanking is a sexual fetish, but DD is much more than that. Unless you have lived the lifestyle 24/7, it’s hard to comprehend. Domestic Discipline is about a power dynamic implemented in a relationship that establishes a leader and a follower, that sets boundaries for behaviors, for interactions, for how a couple will integrate themselves together and how they as a team will interact with the world at large….how they will live. While many couples do use spanking as part of their DD arrangement, some do not. While some couples venture into heavier BDSM activities, some do not. While some husbands and wives have one or both partners with a true sexual fetish, with some couples, neither have that real fetish, but rather feel the overall gain of using spanking as a deterrent outweighs the negatives of using negative reinforcement (punishment) in their relationship. Even when I felt no sexual responsiveness on any level to the idea of spanking, I understood that the pain had its beneficial purpose.

However, once that sexual choice leads to anger and/or resentment, I believe that the sexual needs need to be put to the background and a more loving connection needs to take place, until the person sexually desires to return to the old arrangement.

You are speaking out of your own personal paradigm. You are in a relationship that includes sexual spanking, not domestic discipline. DD is a different animal. Every relationship weathers anger and resentment at times. I assure you, I was much angrier and much more resentful for the 20 years of our marriage before DD than the 8 years after with DD. Yes, we still disagree and sometimes fight. We happen to be a pretty passionate couple with two strong personalities. The price I (or we, because punishments are hard on Grant, too) pay now is a punishment spanking which is hard for us both but either resolves things or at very least brings ‘stuff’ quickly to a head. The alternative was and would be days, and at times weeks, of anger, sniping at each other, resentments brewing and not getting resolved.

In no way am I trying to be insulting or saying that you are wrong for anything that you do….that would not be my place, and besides, in reading your blog over the months, you seem very level-headed and not about to allow something to happen to you that is dangerous (as shown by the time that withdrawing consent was necessary). But I do worry about others.

I read these blogs because I have a sexual interest in spanking…sexually only, and no pain. My fiance and I see eye to eye on this desire and we do have fun with it. But some of the blogs that I read worry me so much. I notice that Stormy commented on here. Am I wrong to be worried for her? Since she commented on your blog, I thought that maybe you two are friends. I can’t go in to all the reasons why I’m worried for her (because it would take another hour to type it all out and I’m already getting way to wordy on here) but from her very first post to her very last one, it’s obvious that she has absolutely no sexual interest in spanking. Obviously her husband does. It’s great to try and accommodate your mate, but at what cost? I’ve never commented on her blog because I feel like I would be insulting, but I’m truly afraid that her situation borders on abuse at times. Please tell me I’m nuts and that there’s things I don’t know that if I did know I’d be perfectly happy with her situation. Or tell me that she talks to people and is getting help. Or tell me that it’s all made up. I just don’t want someone with her flair for life being stifled and/or abused.

It’s great that you and your fiancé see eye to eye on your sexual interest in spanking! Many feel the same way and feel that spanking enhances their love life in the bedroom. I’d like to again gently caution you to not judge when you have not walked in another’s shoes. You have no interest in a power exchange dynamic, nor have you been married for years, so you apparently can’t imagine why someone might feel the need for that, which is different from a need for spanking. You also can’t see how or why (from where you are in your life right now) a couple who’ve been married for many years and encountered severe strains on their marriage, might choose to do TTWD. It’s called TTWD…This Thing We Do, because each of us makes it our own, does it in our own way, according to our own needs and wants and desires and sensibilities.

I don’t like to discuss other bloggers on my blog. I think it’s inappropriate. I’m going to break that rule here in a generic way, frankly, because I approved the comment from my cell without reading it all through while I was in an airport. I thought your comment was about sexuality and DD and missed the Stormy part. Tsk…I need to be more careful!

No, I do not personally know Stormy. I have read her blog for a long time, and frankly, there was a time when I had some concerns for her that arose out of reading a couple of her posts. I have also been impressed with a sense of tremendous love and tenderness and care taking after reading some of her other posts. In every marriage that includes spanking I have seen people who are not perfectly matched in their interests in spanking, and in other things. Compromise is always a big part of any marriage! One thing I have learned in blog land is that we catch a snapshot of someone’s life, the one that they chose to share, often at a time when they are emotional and needing to vent, and at the end of it all, we only know one side of one story from our side of a computer screen. No one really knows what Stormy and her husband do, how they live, who they really are, but them. I have decided choose to think they are decent and responsible folks who love each other and are trying to find their way, just like the rest of us.

This uncertainty was certainly brought home to me by the feedback I got from a few people who were worried about me after my last series of posts. I am so far from an abused wife it is quite ridiculous! And frankly, it was hard to be thought of that way, most especially to hear my husband thought badly of. BUT…how can anyone know that for sure? I’d rather have people express their concerns than have none of us ever discuss spousal abuse, while it is such a common issue in the world at large.

Abuse is a terrible thing and we who practice DD can walk a fine line at times, maintaining and growing our inner voice and developing our inner selves in a positive and healthy way, while learning to submit to another. Our dominant partners walk a fine line as well, learning to exert their authority and control without abusing that authority, without doing harm, using their power to uplift and protect rather than subjugate and oppress. And not a one of us, with or without DD in our marriage, is perfect in our relationships all the time. We all make mistakes and do hurt the one we love most, whether it is physical or emotional. Intimacy between two people is not possible without occasional blunders and pain.

Ok, I’ve written enough…maybe I should start my own blog. Lol.

Maybe you should start your own blog Sue! I know you would be welcomed in this community!

If anyone has any other questions please let me know!

The Resolution: A New Place in Our DD Marriage

Where are we and what have we learned? First, I will share that we’re in a good place. It’s a different place, but a good one. The rules have changed a bit, because Grant changed them. And, I am really ok with that (Until he changes another. I might do some foot stamping again when, not if, he does that!). I don’t really like change because it’s harder to maintain my sense of balance (aka control), but I do understand that it is part of growth and without forward motion all things do and will decline.

There was a time in our DD venture that every step needed to be discussed beforehand, worked through, weighed and tried out. We were new and that’s how we did things. It’s better and safer that way, to have lots and lots of communication before trying new things. We’re past that place now. Our needs have changed. We’ve found that there’s enough groundwork of trust and understanding that we can just kind of go with the flow, and while new thing still feel new, they don’t always need to be negotiated. We don’t need to be so careful with each other in that way. Grant doesn’t have to be so careful with me. He reads me like a book. Our DD interactions are often intuitive and in the moment. I can handle that smoothly some of the time, and when I can’t, we work through it together.  I trust him.

Looking back, I now understand that we, Grant and Sara, needed a correction. We had drifted off course due to life events…my illness, Grant’s illness, and then a gentle new beginning of our DD. Except that, there was a lot that had changed, and we were not the same, neither of us individually or as a couple, and the transition from the old DD, the way things were, into a hiatus, into the new DD was not seamless at all.

I used to be very into spanking. I initiated DD and wanted it to work very badly in our marriage. I used to be very focused on pleasing Grant, meeting his expectations, following his lead. I thought hard about what was between us and tried to be the best (not very submissive) submissive wife I could be.

The faucet: No, he did not tell me it was a spanking offence in advance, but in retrospect, clearly I was not taking his requests seriously. I was not listening or paying attention. I used to be able to hear him better, I think. I doubt that two years ago I would have gone weeks and weeks (months?) being asked to do something and simply not get it done. He wouldn’t have had to spank me. It was about more than a faucet.

The morning spanking: it certainly was a rude awakening to be hauled back into the bedroom, hair done, make-up on, suit donned…work persona intact. My armor. Here’s the thing, Grant did what he did for a very specific reason. We’ve talked and he has explained it. I did not realize it, but I had begun to use my work, that persona, as a way to keep a distance between us. He felt quite simply that he needed to make an intervention. Working out what was between us in our marriage, getting through a punishment due, was more important than going to work, or messing my hair, or having to reapply makeup. It was very early. He knew he wasn’t making me late, and he knows I can flex any schedule anyway, because I am the boss at work. Because he is the boss at home, he can flex any schedule I have at home. He is very respectful of my work. He does not interfere with my work commitments. However, he felt an important issue between us needed to be resolved. It was about more than the right or wrong argument between us.

The contractor and “getting ready”: Grant never told me what to do to “get ready” for a spanking in the past because in going on eight years he never had to. I thought about what would help me process and I did it. I came up with a getting ready routine that included sitting to think, to focus, for punishment spankings. Apparently Grant valued this effort. I wanted DD to work for us so I worked at it. I realize now that I had stopped working on it, or maybe never restarted once we stopped.

Sometime in the last six months we went from recovery to recovered to a new beginning. That new beginning was tenuous because I knew he had been unable to be there for me when he was ill. I felt I needed to stand apart, to be on my own. I became pretty independent because it was what I needed to do. Later, giving up that freedom came admittedly with a small amount of regret. I missed him terribly. I missed the closeness in our marriage. I still wanted DD, but honesty, I also enjoyed not having to worry about what he wanted or expected. I liked not being as restricted by his ideas. I stayed within our basic rules myself, out of respect, but I also did my own thing.

When we agreed to begin again, it was Grant’s decision to take it all very slowly. In fact, sometimes he seemed to be taking forever, and I stopped worrying about it. I handed it over to him in a new and different way than I ever had before. Again, I just kind of did my own thing and told him to let me know when and how he wanted to reinitiate…things. And I waited. But this time the waiting was not anxious waiting but passive waiting. I am not so very much into spanking in the same way I was. (I think that’s a libido issue that may change with further healing.) I don’t stress when I’ve gone too long, when maintenance is forgotten, when a punishment is not delivered. Newer DD wives typically get anxious when he forgets and wonder what it all means. “Maybe he’s not so into DD?” they fret. I was not worried! I was FINE with whatever level he wanted to take this to. And I still am! I haven’t given tremendous focus to our rules. No, they are not written rules and never have been, but I know the expectations. DD for us has always been about respect, priorities….doing the “right” things. I can do TTWD in my sleep now…and maybe I kinda was?

I did sort of think a landscaper wasn’t a contractor, but now it has also occurred to me that I was so intent on getting this done fast, wanting it NOW, that I pushed aside the idea that he might object and just made the appointment. Some part of me knew there was a chance he wouldn’t like that. I didn’t care enough to not do it. I am not saying I made a conscious decision to be defiant. I am saying that I can now admit that my irritation at having to wait for him, and then defiance, was lurking somewhere in the back of my subconscious mind.

The old Sara most likely would have checked with Grant before making the appointment. I remember having an epiphany early in our DD marriage. If I asked myself “What would Grant think” before acting, it saved me a whole lot of grief. If I didn’t know the answer, I simply asked him before taking action. It feels, and is, restrictive at times, but that is all part of functioning as a couple not a sole person in this world. I have plenty of places where I do and am on my own, but not in our marriage. And while I don’t always agree with his boundaries, I understand and respect the motivations. He doesn’t want me meeting a contractor alone for the first time. He doesn’t want me to be ripped off or taken advantage of. He wants to make sure the guy is decent and respectful of me and our home. He is a protector, and he feels it is his job to screen people, to protect me. It’s not something that is ever going to change about my man, and the one thing he asked of me when we began DD, his one hard-line, non-negotiable, was that safety was 100% his call. I agreed to that, and can I just tell you it is mind-boggling how many things can come down to safety in an alpha male’s mind! Who knew???

The “corner time”: THAT was new. It was something we had toyed with in erotic play. But early on, in the first couple of years of DD, when I would send Grant people’s DD writings on this and that, or explain “some people do …corner time, write lines, are grounded…etc”, we talked about our feelings about what might work for us. Grant strongly objected to the concept of corner time. I didn’t feel one way or the other about it, but it was a hard-line for HIM. He said he thought it was humiliating and childlike, and he wasn’t doing anything like that to me. “Besides,” he said, “you spend way too much time in your head as it is. The last thing I want to do is to put you somewhere and leave you alone to think!” And he was right, for who I was, for who he was, for where we were…at that time.

Now…well he used it. Who knows where he came up with the idea last week. He says that we talked about it a year and a half ago, and I said it was something we should consider trying. I have absolutely no memory of that. However, as it happens, in that moment, when he did what he did, it was really the perfect thing to do.

Why? Because it was not until I began to take off my clothes that I experienced taking off my cover. That process of taking off my dress, my bra…(the panties were long gone)… functioned as the last piece to help me get real and come back to him. Standing naked in front of him is hard, but it is something I have been asked to do numerous times before and I have learned to do it. He loves my body and feels I should never be ashamed or shy in front of him. After all, he’s seen all of me for 33 years, watched me give birth to 3 babies. I think I’ll always be a bit shy…but I now can and do show myself to him.

In retrospect, standing there naked and alone for a few minutes allowed me to gather myself and begin a thinking process. And this time I needed to think. I became aware of how stripping off my clothes felt like stripping off the armor I was not even aware I was wearing. In the next day or so I processed what had happened that night, what had happened over the last 10 days, and realized that in numerous small ways I had been holding myself apart from Grant, going through the motions in my submission, and Grant had not been calling me on it. Maybe it took him time to get a handle on the issues too. And yes, in subtle ways I was using my work to stay very busy and to hold him off. I was maintaining my firm grip on a world where he can’t come and he has no say, as a way to maintain my independence. It’s hard to explain, because I won’t work any less hours, or dress any differently this week. It’s not always what you do but how you do it. I think that night when he came home to punish me, by staying dressed to the nines, and being there, supposedly following orders, yet not undressed at all, not in the bedroom but at my work computer, I was unconsciously communicating to Grant that he could spank me, but he was spanking the CEO, not his wife. His wife was unavailable.

As an analyst, I know there are always layers of meanings behind every action, every word. We are only conscious of the top few, and the rest stays hidden unless we do some digging. I don’t know that Grant consciously knew how I was defying him, standing up to him, but intuitively he felt it, and intuitively he came up with the idea that he needed to get me out of those clothes and naked and in the corner to get through to me, to create an event that would make me think, and pull me to my senses.

I don’t know all of why I was so disconnected with that submissive side of myself, but clearly I was, and clearly it was standing in the way of us moving past our last year and into the future of our marriage. It was preventing us from resuming DD in the way Grant wants us to, and believes we need to. I want that too. A couple of months ago, when he told me he was going to take things slow, he also told me he would let me know when and how he wanted to move forward. He told me a lot of that would depend on what he thought I and we needed. He said he’d be watching and he’d figure it out. I said “You’ll let me know?” He said “Yep, I will let you know.”

I now consider myself fully informed.