A Question of Sexuality, DD, and Stormy

Since March is Question and Answer Month, and I have not opened myself to that so far (been way to busy getting spanked for questions and answers! :shock: ) I took a question from my last post to offer some answers and thoughts.

Sue asked:
A short time back you mentioned that you have learned that DD IS sexual, because once you lost your sexual desires you didn’t want to be spanked at all. In this post you also mention that your libido has affected it.

Yes Sue, my libido has been radically affected by a total surgical hysterectomy. That slammed me into what they call “surgical menopause’ which I assure you is not pretty! One of the many symptoms is a loss of libido and sexual responsiveness. It includes a complete disinterest in sex, spanking…pretty much anything along those lines. I was not “turned off”, but disconnected. It’s a very odd feeling. It truly felt as if someone had simply unplugged some part of me on the inside. And I guess they did.

Hormones have helped. Treatment for my anemia which was recently diagnosed has helped too. I am fatigued a lot. I do believe the fundamental interest in spanking has a sexual basis.

Boy do I wish more of the women in DD would admit to this. It’s a sexual fetish. There’s nothing wrong with it, but they try to make it so much more than it is. Getting spanked may not lead to sex, or even be remotely connected to it in each circumstance, but as a whole, it is a sexual activity. Whenever both mates are completely satisfied sexually, the marriage will be happier, which is why DD works for some…it’s how they find sexual satisfaction.

That’s where I would disagree. I do think an interest in spanking is a sexual fetish, but DD is much more than that. Unless you have lived the lifestyle 24/7, it’s hard to comprehend. Domestic Discipline is about a power dynamic implemented in a relationship that establishes a leader and a follower, that sets boundaries for behaviors, for interactions, for how a couple will integrate themselves together and how they as a team will interact with the world at large….how they will live. While many couples do use spanking as part of their DD arrangement, some do not. While some couples venture into heavier BDSM activities, some do not. While some husbands and wives have one or both partners with a true sexual fetish, with some couples, neither have that real fetish, but rather feel the overall gain of using spanking as a deterrent outweighs the negatives of using negative reinforcement (punishment) in their relationship. Even when I felt no sexual responsiveness on any level to the idea of spanking, I understood that the pain had its beneficial purpose.

However, once that sexual choice leads to anger and/or resentment, I believe that the sexual needs need to be put to the background and a more loving connection needs to take place, until the person sexually desires to return to the old arrangement.

You are speaking out of your own personal paradigm. You are in a relationship that includes sexual spanking, not domestic discipline. DD is a different animal. Every relationship weathers anger and resentment at times. I assure you, I was much angrier and much more resentful for the 20 years of our marriage before DD than the 8 years after with DD. Yes, we still disagree and sometimes fight. We happen to be a pretty passionate couple with two strong personalities. The price I (or we, because punishments are hard on Grant, too) pay now is a punishment spanking which is hard for us both but either resolves things or at very least brings ‘stuff’ quickly to a head. The alternative was and would be days, and at times weeks, of anger, sniping at each other, resentments brewing and not getting resolved.

In no way am I trying to be insulting or saying that you are wrong for anything that you do….that would not be my place, and besides, in reading your blog over the months, you seem very level-headed and not about to allow something to happen to you that is dangerous (as shown by the time that withdrawing consent was necessary). But I do worry about others.

I read these blogs because I have a sexual interest in spanking…sexually only, and no pain. My fiance and I see eye to eye on this desire and we do have fun with it. But some of the blogs that I read worry me so much. I notice that Stormy commented on here. Am I wrong to be worried for her? Since she commented on your blog, I thought that maybe you two are friends. I can’t go in to all the reasons why I’m worried for her (because it would take another hour to type it all out and I’m already getting way to wordy on here) but from her very first post to her very last one, it’s obvious that she has absolutely no sexual interest in spanking. Obviously her husband does. It’s great to try and accommodate your mate, but at what cost? I’ve never commented on her blog because I feel like I would be insulting, but I’m truly afraid that her situation borders on abuse at times. Please tell me I’m nuts and that there’s things I don’t know that if I did know I’d be perfectly happy with her situation. Or tell me that she talks to people and is getting help. Or tell me that it’s all made up. I just don’t want someone with her flair for life being stifled and/or abused.

It’s great that you and your fiancé see eye to eye on your sexual interest in spanking! Many feel the same way and feel that spanking enhances their love life in the bedroom. I’d like to again gently caution you to not judge when you have not walked in another’s shoes. You have no interest in a power exchange dynamic, nor have you been married for years, so you apparently can’t imagine why someone might feel the need for that, which is different from a need for spanking. You also can’t see how or why (from where you are in your life right now) a couple who’ve been married for many years and encountered severe strains on their marriage, might choose to do TTWD. It’s called TTWD…This Thing We Do, because each of us makes it our own, does it in our own way, according to our own needs and wants and desires and sensibilities.

I don’t like to discuss other bloggers on my blog. I think it’s inappropriate. I’m going to break that rule here in a generic way, frankly, because I approved the comment from my cell without reading it all through while I was in an airport. I thought your comment was about sexuality and DD and missed the Stormy part. Tsk…I need to be more careful!

No, I do not personally know Stormy. I have read her blog for a long time, and frankly, there was a time when I had some concerns for her that arose out of reading a couple of her posts. I have also been impressed with a sense of tremendous love and tenderness and care taking after reading some of her other posts. In every marriage that includes spanking I have seen people who are not perfectly matched in their interests in spanking, and in other things. Compromise is always a big part of any marriage! One thing I have learned in blog land is that we catch a snapshot of someone’s life, the one that they chose to share, often at a time when they are emotional and needing to vent, and at the end of it all, we only know one side of one story from our side of a computer screen. No one really knows what Stormy and her husband do, how they live, who they really are, but them. I have decided choose to think they are decent and responsible folks who love each other and are trying to find their way, just like the rest of us.

This uncertainty was certainly brought home to me by the feedback I got from a few people who were worried about me after my last series of posts. I am so far from an abused wife it is quite ridiculous! And frankly, it was hard to be thought of that way, most especially to hear my husband thought badly of. BUT…how can anyone know that for sure? I’d rather have people express their concerns than have none of us ever discuss spousal abuse, while it is such a common issue in the world at large.

Abuse is a terrible thing and we who practice DD can walk a fine line at times, maintaining and growing our inner voice and developing our inner selves in a positive and healthy way, while learning to submit to another. Our dominant partners walk a fine line as well, learning to exert their authority and control without abusing that authority, without doing harm, using their power to uplift and protect rather than subjugate and oppress. And not a one of us, with or without DD in our marriage, is perfect in our relationships all the time. We all make mistakes and do hurt the one we love most, whether it is physical or emotional. Intimacy between two people is not possible without occasional blunders and pain.

Ok, I’ve written enough…maybe I should start my own blog. Lol.

Maybe you should start your own blog Sue! I know you would be welcomed in this community!

If anyone has any other questions please let me know!

17 thoughts on “A Question of Sexuality, DD, and Stormy

  1. Sara, thank you for this thorough, elucidated response. I admit I was a bit offended by some of the assumptions made by the poster. It is, as you said very much more about the power exchange, and not so very much about the physical sensations and reactions, for us. I thoroughly enjoy the feeling, not of equality, but of balance I share with Ward.

    And yes, it is very much individualized, we each express it in our own way, and do well to understand our friends in the community and not judge them on their differences. One thing we need to watch is whether the love shines through. We may not agree with the techniques, or they may not be for us, but if we can see that they feed our friends, that’s all that really matters.

    Again, thank you for your eloquent and sensitive handling of this issue.

  2. Oh my goodness, Sara you are so right I exactly feel like you do, it is called ttwd for a reason and no one has the right to judge. Having said that I commented on Sue when I shouldn’t have and I do feel bad about it. I have already left a message on Stormy’s blog about sticking my oar in:(. I feel guilty and am sorry. You write so eloquently on the subject , for us dd definitely spices up our sex life but it is so much more, our marriage is stronger for having a leader and a punishment spanking whilst not sexual, brings us closer together. We have been married for over thirty years and this last while has beem incredible. Thankyou Sara for your wise words, love,
    Jan.xx

  3. Well said. I admire how orderly and thorough was in explaining the differences in use of spanking.

    Pretty darn graceful too. I’ve nothing to add that would make it better. :)

  4. The more people learn about the different ways in which we all choose to live this unique lifestyle choice, the more acceptance we have for one another and the more we can learn from one another. Even if the person we’re learning something from doesn’t live their relationship dynamic the same way.
    Early judgments can hinder the process of learning, and you handled it beautifully and in a very helpful way when the poster seemed to head toward a slightly judgmental path.
    You’re doing fine Sue, you found a good place for wonderful information and have received some of the best advice that can be found :)
    Excellent and experienced advice as usual Sara.

  5. If I ever become half as eloquent as you are I will be a happy woman Sara. Perhaps one of the main things to consider here is that we are a community who are here for each other. It is easy to make negative comments at times, but I know personally that when I have asked for help and prayers they have always come flooding in. For that I am truly thankful to have been accepted in such a short time. It’s true, we all do this thing according to our own relationships and marriages, and it is something that is ever changing and evolving. It’s good to know that we all have these little mountains to climb at times.

    Many hugs

    Ami

  6. Well, this might be a strange question, but here goes…

    We just started ttwd a short time ago. My husband is gradually ramping things up, and spankings are starting to hurt.

    I don’t even know how to ask this without sounding really dumb, but how do you know when they hurt enough? I read bloggers who frequently quote their husbands as saying, “It’s meant to hurt,” but how do you/your husband know how far to push?

    I have a safeword just in case, and I have never needed to use it, but sometimes it hurts quite a bit. How does a HoH know when he is approaching his wife’s limits? How does she know? Is it something that gradually becomes intuitive in terms of how far to go?

    I know it is specific to each couple, but thanks for any insight you can give.

  7. I agree June, it is whether DD “feeds” us in a healthy way that matters. I truly do not believe that Sue meant to offend. TTWD is a hard thing to understand from the outside looking in.

    Jan, it’s a fine balance between stirring the pot and engaging in dialogue. I think we ALL did just fine!

    Thanks Mick!

    I appreciate the support Mr BB.

    Just Starting Out, There is no such thing as a strange question , most especially when you’re just starting out! I will indeed answer ASAP.

  8. Very well said, Sara.
    I have been working on a post about two examples of different couples… and I loved your explanation.

    hugs
    lillie

  9. Outstanding post Sara!

    You not only handled Sues questions and concerns in a loving and sensitive manner, you explained the dynamic of TTWD very well. This is definitely a must read for anyone with questions about DD/TTWD.

    Blessings,
    Cat

  10. How dreadful it indeed would be if we descended into blog brawls…and you are quite right…this is a snapshot and in the context of how others regard us we should aim to be kind and give oneanother the benefit of the doubt. Stormy writes very well and I like to read some of what she has to say.May not necessarily agree with it , but we are all different.Inevitably there will be alot that goes on behind blogs and particular relationships and understandings will form. That’s only human nature and at the end of the day some people sharing a particular understanding and common inteersts. I suppose that this can become devisive, if you are not careful. When I met Ronnie she was very careful to stop me when I started to share some information from r/l meet ups…not because she was not interested but because she wants the information to be shared personally at an appropriate time. Sarah,LD,UK

  11. This is such an amazing and informative post Sara. Extremely well said in a respectful and sensitive way. I agree, a definite must read for anyone with questions. Thank you for sharing this.

    Hugs,
    Roz

  12. Somewhat shocked to see my name at first, but..thank you Sara. Nicely handled. The water looks safe but I’m not diving in, lol. Thanks again.

  13. Just wanted to say that I’ve been following you STILL even though I’m no longer writing. I love reading about you and Grant’s journey…it has been similiar in some ways to Z and mine. We are still practicing Dd even though it had to take a backseat for awhile (no pun intended.) I’m happy that you are finding your way and that you and Grant are still so committed to eachother even after all of the stress and sickness and horribleness.

  14. I’ll be looking for your post Lillie!

    I’m glad you liked this Cat.

    Sarah, knowing someone from their blog and in r/l is truly different, as I can attest to.

    Appreciate it Roz!

    Thanks Grace….and Ronnie.

    Ashley, I am SO glad to see you are still ‘around’ and to hear that you and Z are doing ok. Thanks for letting me know!

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