Since March is Question and Answer Month, and I have not opened myself to that so far (been way to busy getting spanked for questions and answers! ) I took a question from my last post to offer some answers and thoughts.
A short time back you mentioned that you have learned that DD IS sexual, because once you lost your sexual desires you didn’t want to be spanked at all. In this post you also mention that your libido has affected it.
Yes Sue, my libido has been radically affected by a total surgical hysterectomy. That slammed me into what they call “surgical menopause’ which I assure you is not pretty! One of the many symptoms is a loss of libido and sexual responsiveness. It includes a complete disinterest in sex, spanking…pretty much anything along those lines. I was not “turned off”, but disconnected. It’s a very odd feeling. It truly felt as if someone had simply unplugged some part of me on the inside. And I guess they did.
Hormones have helped. Treatment for my anemia which was recently diagnosed has helped too. I am fatigued a lot. I do believe the fundamental interest in spanking has a sexual basis.
Boy do I wish more of the women in DD would admit to this. It’s a sexual fetish. There’s nothing wrong with it, but they try to make it so much more than it is. Getting spanked may not lead to sex, or even be remotely connected to it in each circumstance, but as a whole, it is a sexual activity. Whenever both mates are completely satisfied sexually, the marriage will be happier, which is why DD works for some…it’s how they find sexual satisfaction.
That’s where I would disagree. I do think an interest in spanking is a sexual fetish, but DD is much more than that. Unless you have lived the lifestyle 24/7, it’s hard to comprehend. Domestic Discipline is about a power dynamic implemented in a relationship that establishes a leader and a follower, that sets boundaries for behaviors, for interactions, for how a couple will integrate themselves together and how they as a team will interact with the world at large….how they will live. While many couples do use spanking as part of their DD arrangement, some do not. While some couples venture into heavier BDSM activities, some do not. While some husbands and wives have one or both partners with a true sexual fetish, with some couples, neither have that real fetish, but rather feel the overall gain of using spanking as a deterrent outweighs the negatives of using negative reinforcement (punishment) in their relationship. Even when I felt no sexual responsiveness on any level to the idea of spanking, I understood that the pain had its beneficial purpose.
However, once that sexual choice leads to anger and/or resentment, I believe that the sexual needs need to be put to the background and a more loving connection needs to take place, until the person sexually desires to return to the old arrangement.
You are speaking out of your own personal paradigm. You are in a relationship that includes sexual spanking, not domestic discipline. DD is a different animal. Every relationship weathers anger and resentment at times. I assure you, I was much angrier and much more resentful for the 20 years of our marriage before DD than the 8 years after with DD. Yes, we still disagree and sometimes fight. We happen to be a pretty passionate couple with two strong personalities. The price I (or we, because punishments are hard on Grant, too) pay now is a punishment spanking which is hard for us both but either resolves things or at very least brings ‘stuff’ quickly to a head. The alternative was and would be days, and at times weeks, of anger, sniping at each other, resentments brewing and not getting resolved.
In no way am I trying to be insulting or saying that you are wrong for anything that you do….that would not be my place, and besides, in reading your blog over the months, you seem very level-headed and not about to allow something to happen to you that is dangerous (as shown by the time that withdrawing consent was necessary). But I do worry about others.
I read these blogs because I have a sexual interest in spanking…sexually only, and no pain. My fiance and I see eye to eye on this desire and we do have fun with it. But some of the blogs that I read worry me so much. I notice that Stormy commented on here. Am I wrong to be worried for her? Since she commented on your blog, I thought that maybe you two are friends. I can’t go in to all the reasons why I’m worried for her (because it would take another hour to type it all out and I’m already getting way to wordy on here) but from her very first post to her very last one, it’s obvious that she has absolutely no sexual interest in spanking. Obviously her husband does. It’s great to try and accommodate your mate, but at what cost? I’ve never commented on her blog because I feel like I would be insulting, but I’m truly afraid that her situation borders on abuse at times. Please tell me I’m nuts and that there’s things I don’t know that if I did know I’d be perfectly happy with her situation. Or tell me that she talks to people and is getting help. Or tell me that it’s all made up. I just don’t want someone with her flair for life being stifled and/or abused.
It’s great that you and your fiancé see eye to eye on your sexual interest in spanking! Many feel the same way and feel that spanking enhances their love life in the bedroom. I’d like to again gently caution you to not judge when you have not walked in another’s shoes. You have no interest in a power exchange dynamic, nor have you been married for years, so you apparently can’t imagine why someone might feel the need for that, which is different from a need for spanking. You also can’t see how or why (from where you are in your life right now) a couple who’ve been married for many years and encountered severe strains on their marriage, might choose to do TTWD. It’s called TTWD…This Thing We Do, because each of us makes it our own, does it in our own way, according to our own needs and wants and desires and sensibilities.
I don’t like to discuss other bloggers on my blog. I think it’s inappropriate. I’m going to break that rule here in a generic way, frankly, because I approved the comment from my cell without reading it all through while I was in an airport. I thought your comment was about sexuality and DD and missed the Stormy part. Tsk…I need to be more careful!
No, I do not personally know Stormy. I have read her blog for a long time, and frankly, there was a time when I had some concerns for her that arose out of reading a couple of her posts. I have also been impressed with a sense of tremendous love and tenderness and care taking after reading some of her other posts. In every marriage that includes spanking I have seen people who are not perfectly matched in their interests in spanking, and in other things. Compromise is always a big part of any marriage! One thing I have learned in blog land is that we catch a snapshot of someone’s life, the one that they chose to share, often at a time when they are emotional and needing to vent, and at the end of it all, we only know one side of one story from our side of a computer screen. No one really knows what Stormy and her husband do, how they live, who they really are, but them. I have decided choose to think they are decent and responsible folks who love each other and are trying to find their way, just like the rest of us.
This uncertainty was certainly brought home to me by the feedback I got from a few people who were worried about me after my last series of posts. I am so far from an abused wife it is quite ridiculous! And frankly, it was hard to be thought of that way, most especially to hear my husband thought badly of. BUT…how can anyone know that for sure? I’d rather have people express their concerns than have none of us ever discuss spousal abuse, while it is such a common issue in the world at large.
Abuse is a terrible thing and we who practice DD can walk a fine line at times, maintaining and growing our inner voice and developing our inner selves in a positive and healthy way, while learning to submit to another. Our dominant partners walk a fine line as well, learning to exert their authority and control without abusing that authority, without doing harm, using their power to uplift and protect rather than subjugate and oppress. And not a one of us, with or without DD in our marriage, is perfect in our relationships all the time. We all make mistakes and do hurt the one we love most, whether it is physical or emotional. Intimacy between two people is not possible without occasional blunders and pain.
Ok, I’ve written enough…maybe I should start my own blog. Lol.
Maybe you should start your own blog Sue! I know you would be welcomed in this community!
If anyone has any other questions please let me know!