A Tail of Three Spankings – Part Three

I don’t really even want to write about this one. It’s been a good process for me to reflect and write, and it’s helped me to better understand what happened and why, but it leaves me feeling rather vulnerable. This incident more than the others, because it was the emotional breakthrough that I suppose Grant had been looking for from the start.

It’s odd how things can look so very different later, be so clear in retrospect, and how unaware one can be in the midst of it all. I’m frankly not used to being that person who can’t see what is happening around me, or within me. I am typically more self-reflective and aware. Not so this time. It took a big intervention…. (In three parts)…for me to wake up and understand what was happening, how I had been shutting Grant out while running at warp speed through my days. I made it all LOOK pretty, because I am good at that. What I mean is, I was pleasant, cooperative (the faucet aside), but just going through the motions, I guess.

I was so very angry at Grant after spanking number two, and after I indulged in that for a day, I knew from years of experience that I would have to find a way to make peace, because Grant believes what he believes and his mind wasn’t changing on the events and how he sees them. From the last post, as humorous as it was, he obviously holds to his HOH-ish perspective on his correctness. He doesn’t always. He is very very stubborn and consistent and hard to pull off his chosen course, but he will hear my side and at times, admit he is wrong. This time we simply have to “agree to disagree”. (Which by the way will irritate him to read as much as it did the last time I penned that phrase.) He still believes he is right, and can’t believe I don’t get it. I still believe I am right, and yeah, I might be a tad stubborn myself, and I just won’t give lip service to agreement. That’s lying.

BUT, I also believe there were other things, relationship issues, historical events, anxieties and ‘stuff’ that was mixed in, and I don’t at all resent him anymore for doing what he did. How can I? I have entrusted myself and our marriage to his keeping. I have consented to discipline as he sees fit. I know he takes that so very seriously, that he loves me to distraction, and that he is a man of such integrity and ethic that I cannot doubt for one second that he did things as he felt he needed to, for me and for us.

I also learned if I am going to sneak out of the house in the early morning I need to get better at it! :)

pic of woman sneaking

So…spanking # 3. I decided to extend an olive branch. I texted him on day two after the morning ambush asking if he’d like to meet for a drink after work. We agreed that I would contact him when I finished my last meeting of the day, which would be around 5/5:30. I did just that and he texted back, inquired about the success of my meeting, said he was glad things had gone well, that he was also on his way home, and would be about 20 minutes. He added that unfortunately I was now due “a P” for the email I had sent him during the day, and he wanted to get that out of the way, and then we could go out after that.

Huh? I texted:

“What? What are you talking about?”

“You made an appointment with the landscaper. We have an agreement.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes. Seriously. We’ll talk when I get home.”

I had offered this man an olive branch, after an awful spanking just two days ago when he was wrong, worked hard to wrap my mind around it and not hold a grudge, and THIS is what he does with it?

frustrated woman two

AAAAGGHHH

I was flummoxed. I had told him I wanted to get a landscaper in to help with some work this Spring, as I just can’t do it all myself anymore due to my back issues. He agreed. I got a referral from the guy who mows our lawn, emailed it to Grant, and with Grant’s approval, contacted the landscaper. Historically, I ‘do’ the outside; I handle the gardens, the design, the planting, and the weeding. It’s my thing. When the landscaper emailed back and said he could come on Saturday morning at 10 am, I said “OK” knowing Grant would be out-of-town. But, I thought (silly me) that Grant would be fine with it because it was just a first consult, because our 20-year-old son would be home, because we would just be discussing design. Then the guy would have to come back, present a proposal, which of course I would make sure Grant was present for, and we would decide if we wanted to use the services and Grant could deal with the prices, etc. You see that is his thing. He doesn’t want anyone working on our property that he doesn’t approve of. He believes I am gullible with contractors, and he has decreed for years that I am not allowed to deal with any work on the house alone. I do the design, he deals with the contractors…making it happen.

I couldn’t stand it and called him:

“Grant, a P… What are you talking about?”

“Yes, a P. I am talking about the email you sent me today.”

“I SENT it to you so you will be fully informed!”

“You did, and I appreciate that! You also set up a meeting with a contractor on a day when I will be out-of-town.”

“We’re going to talk about design. I will show him the property and discuss what I envision, and then he’ll come back with a proposal which he will send to you. You’ll meet him and decide if we’ll use his services.”

“You set up a meeting with a contractor without me.”

“He’s a LANDSCAPER!”
“Is a landscaper a contractor?”

“No, he’s a landscaper!”

“And we have an agreement about contractors don’t we?”

“He’s a landscaper.”

“Is he going to present us with a contract to sign?

“Well, yes but…”

He interrupted, “Then he’s a contractor.”

“Grant, ok, technically he’s a contractor, but it’s different. He’s a landscaper and he’s just going to…”

“Sara, stop. Therein lies your problem. Anytime you find yourself saying to me ‘technically’ you’ve already lost your argument. I love you and I don’t want to argue. Just go home and get ready. I’ll be there shortly.”

woman in car
I wanted to bang my head against the steering wheel. Why are men so black and white? The whole contractor thing is silly from my perspective anyway. I deal with all manner of people and contractors in my work world, but at home I am not allowed to call an electrician for a faulty switch. It’s one of those things I just do his way because it is important to him, and I’ve tried to reason for years. He’s not flexible on the issue. And I really went out of my way to be sure I checked in with him and forwarded every email to him and kept him in the loop and had his permission. And this is not painting, or sheet rock, or electric or plumbing. It’s landscaping. The garden…my ‘thing’!

So, I drove home. Whatever. Half mad half just resigned. We’re so not on the same page and haven’t been. I don’t know what he’s thinking, I don’t understand, and I am tired of fighting too. If he wants to spank me he will, and then we’ll go out for that drink or we won’t, and I just give up.

I was very dressed up because the meeting I’d come from was with an important one requiring that. I drove home. “Get ready?” OK. I was ready…resigned. I sat down at the kitchen table and went to check work emails. I’d been out of the office for the afternoon and figured I’d take the 15 minutes alone to catch up, and it would be a good distraction.

When he walked in my back was to the door but I turned and said “Hi” just as I hit send.

He just looked at me. He was silent. Finally:

“What are you doing?”

“Checking a few emails…….why?”

He got an angry look on his face.

“You’re checking emails? You’re just sitting there checking emails?”

“Well yes. You weren’t home yet. You said you’d be 15 minutes.”

“You’re still wearing your boots for God’s sake. You haven’t even taken your suit jacket off?”

“What is the problem? You told me to go home and wait for you and I did.”

“I told you to get ready!”

“I AM ready!”

His jaw hardened. His eyes narrowed.

“I can’t believe you. I am just too angry right now. I need a few minutes. Go get ready right now!”

I stood up. My stomach dropped. But when my fight or flight kicks in, the more vulnerable I feel the more likely I am to fight, to put up a good front. I went toe to toe with him:

“I AM ready! What exactly does your version of “get ready” mean?” I was starting to tear up out of frustration and confusion, and desperately trying not to. “We have no set ‘get ready’ rules Grant. There is no routine we’ve agreed to! If you want something specific you’re going to have to actually tell me that, because I don’t know what you want from me!”

“Get off your computer and go in the bedroom. At least take off your boots and lose the jacket!”

He stalked away. He was really angry and I was truly confused and now getting angry too. I had been ready to take a spanking over a stupid landscaper and I hoped it wouldn’t be too big a deal…and he hadn’t seemed angry when we talked earlier. I went into the bedroom and took off the high-heeled black boots and jacket as requested, stripped off my stockings, and just stood there in my grey business dress.

He came in, grabbed that awful paddle and sat in his chair and glared at me. I crossed my arms and glared back at him. Toe to toe.

“Now why weren’t you in here waiting for me again?”

“I don’t know! Because I decided to wait out there!”

“You know what you’re supposed to do!”

“No, I DON’T know what I am supposed to do! You have always said “get ready” and I have always done whatever I decided I needed to do to ‘get ready’. You’ve left that to me for eight years and now you want something specific? Well you will have to share that with me if you want that, and I’ll do what you decide, but you can’t expect what you don’t tell me!”

“You always go into the bedroom and at least take something off, and you usually sit on the bed, take time to think and get your head together. Think and prepare.”

“I usually have done that, but not always, and because I chose to all by myself. You have never once made any rule or expressed any expectation about what I do. You left that up to me. So for you to now be angry that I am dressed, or not waiting in some particular way, is completely unfair! You are changing things, having expectations, without telling me and I can’t read your mind!”

I was near to losing it with upset, confusion, and anger. It felt like our DD world was tilting.

Grant stopped the debate, “Just get over my lap!”

I am sure the spanking was worse than he had planned on his way home, and I was crying almost before he started from sheer frustration and anxiety. I really hate to disappoint him, to make him angry, and I felt like my grip on our world, his expectations, and any sense of control had slipped away from me. There was a lot of talking…his…in between the spanking, and I just remember my feelings of losing a handle on what we were doing, what I was supposed to be doing. He spanked and I cried. A lot. And when he let me up he did something he has never ever done before. He told me he wanted me to remove all of my clothing and go stand in the corner. My fight was gone and my capacity to process minimally intact. I just did what I was told. He quietly left the room while I stood there crying.

I am sure he didn’t leave me for very long…a few minutes maybe? I heard him walk quietly across the carpet. He softly put his hand on my shoulder as he came up behind me and gently pressed his body to mine from behind. I could feel the warmth of his body through his clothes, next to my skin.

He said quietly:

“I want you to tell me what’s in that head of yours. What are you thinking?”

“I don’t even know.”

“Talk to me.”

“I’m afraid to say anything. I don’t know if something I say will make you upset with me.”

He threw the paddle that I did not even know he was holding away from us, onto the bed. He pressed himself against me, holding me from behind, his hands on my shoulders.

“The spanking is over. You can say anything you want to. Just talk to me.”

“I…I am not sure I can be who you want me to be. I feel like you resent the part of me that needs to do my work, who I am ‘out there’. I know you try to be supportive, but I feel like in some ways you want to hold me back. I’m not sure you like or want that other part of me. But…she is a real part of me too, and I don’t know how to handle that, what to do with all of this between us.”

“Do you really feel that I don’t accept and love all of you? That I’m not so very proud of you?”

“No, I know you are. You’ve told me. You really have been supportive, most of the time. But sometimes… Well I know it’s very hard for you at times. What I am doing. But I can’t give that part of myself up.”

“You need to listen to me and really hear me. I am very proud of you, all the things you do, and most especially of all your success. I am 100% behind you, and will be right here behind you with anything that you need to do. You need to not doubt me in this, to accept what I am telling you and believe me.”

“Ok, I do believe you…can I just get into bed?”

He helped me into bed and then he undressed, spooned behind me and just held me while I settled and drifted. We lay like that for a very long time.

“You know it’s not easy being married to a whirlwind.”

“I know”, I whispered.

“Sometimes I need to get out my old rope, lasso you, and pull you back in.”

His arms were wrapped around me and he held me tight.

“Just don’t ever let me whirl away from you. I need to know you’ve got me.”

“Nope, that will never happen! I’ve always got you.”

I have figured out most of what happened between us, what these three spankings were really about. What is clear above all is that marriage and DD is an ever evolving dynamic, and what you think you know and have will shift and change with the events and circumstances, with the times of your lives, I’m thinking for as long as you continue to do TTWD. We’ve talked a lot, and writing these posts has helped me to think and helped us to sort through and communicate better. I’ll share that tomorrow…the resolution and where we are today.

36 thoughts on “A Tail of Three Spankings – Part Three

  1. It’s tough TTWD just when you think you got it figured out it changes, reading posts like this reminds me that this new journey that Bobbie and I are on will be a living breathing entity always changing. I just hope I/we have the wisdom to know when to change with it when that time comes.
    So glad that Grant and you are comming together

    Bob

  2. The man loves you …..and you love him, even though the road is rocky at times ,no one said the road of marriage was a smooth road. Enjoy this love you have.
    Dont try and think too hard. Your a female …right? Just let him lead…..he is the man…..smile!

    Annie193….

  3. Sara, I can tell you and Grant are coming to something very important and I’m looking forward to reading what you write tomorrow. You’ve talked about the important work you’re doing in your career, but you’re doing even more important work in yourself and your marriage. Really proud of you and admire you both greatly.

  4. I’m not sure how to comment this time Sara. Whilst I am not allowed to make decisions with contractors on my own (indeed I would feel very nervous of doing so) and it has always been an unwritten rule with us – Starman is quite happy for me to meet with them in order to “discuss” how we might be going to proceed. Thankfully he trusts me enough to pass everything we talk about on to him. What bothers me a little is that I get a little feeling of ‘lack of trust’ from Grant on this one. There has to be trust both ways. Do you have an explicit written rule that you mustn’t meet with contractors ie landscape gardeners, or is he just being a bit funny about it? If you went against the ‘rule’ then I presume you knew, and that you also knew you would get spanked.

    Next. I am wholly with you that unless he has laid down new boundaries about ‘being ready for a spanking’ you are not a mindreader. Like you we would have argued to blue blazes on that point. This is something that needs to be sorted out for the future, if the rules have now changed. We owe it to each other to ensure we know exactly where we stand.

    Next. Okay, you were spanked. Fine. It was hard but you’ve been there before. BUT! I know you don’t do corner time. So where did this suddenly come from? Another new rule that you don’t know about? And nude? For me it would be a hard limit. This is because I could not accept Starman walking away from me out of a room, leaving me alone in a corner (even for a few minutes) and not hugging and kissing me. I would become completely distraught. I would feel abandoned. (If this did not bother you, then just ignore what I have said – I am simply giving you my perspective, my take on it.) I am far too sensitive to Starman’s feelings, and I would think he no longer cared enough to hold me ‘immediately’ and forgive me or talk to me.

    Next. In your last paragraph you explain what happened. You explain that all this has caused you to communicate properly once again. So maybe all these spankings come down to a complete lack of communication? I know it happens with Starman and I, but the important thing is that he ALWAYS tells me when he is wrong about something. Invariably I tell him that he isn’t 100% wrong – only 50%. If he is wearing his ‘pig-headed’ hat, I leave well alone, sometimes a day or two, until he comes to me and explains his take on the situation without getting angry.

    Finally, I think that you must have achieved a reconnection – or you wouldn’t be writing about these three spankings. Therefore, I am assuming you and Grant have found common ground once again. A tough way of finding it though wasn’t it? Perhaps as a TIH one needs to develop extra sensory perception at times? If only to see around those ‘hair-pin’ bends in the road? I look forward to reading the next instalment of your saga….

    Many hugs

    Ami

  5. Bob, it is true that DD continues to be a “living breathing entity always changing”. I did not feel that way as much a year ago, but now I feel a newness that I have not felt in years.

    Annie, I am trying to enjoy the journey. “Just let him lead”? Um yeah, I’m trying. It comes harder to some of us than to others!

    Thank you Mick. Your words truly mean a great deal to me!

    Ami, your comment reads as if it is from someone who is very new to DD, and that’s ok. You’re all about what’s fair, and right and protecting your boundaries. I DO understand the anxiety that comes with learning and growing in TTWD, and I appreciate your worries. It took us years to get from there to here. It is not an overnight process.

    You commented about Grant not trusting me. He doesn’t with contractors, and yes, I know that. He’s uber-protective and I know and accept that. However, the trust between us is immense, so much so that I don’t have hard lines with him. He just knows when he’s near a “hard line” ( can’t even think of any that I have anymore), and if not I would tell him. I don’t go into any DD interaction with the idea that I will need to protect myself or be wary, because I have given up that control. I have turned myself over to him. That was a process, and it is the essence of submission. Letting go. I suspect you are afraid to offer that sort of trust. You seem to be saying you watch and judge what Starman does. You will allow this but not that. You’re not ready to let go in the same ways. And that truly is ok. We each do TTWD at our own pace and in our own way. I will just say that you cannot expect him steer the ship while you keep a tight grip on the wheel.

    Yes, the corner time was new. No it was not discussed. But you know what, it flowed organically out of where I was, what he thought I needed. AND it worked. He was right. At that time, for me, where I was, it was an extremely effective tool. I in no way felt abandoned. I intuitively understood that the punishment was not over and that this was part of it, and I accepted that. When he came back he was very comforting as he always is. You’re imagining how you would have felt. I might have felt that way many years ago too, which may be one reason why Grant chose never to use corner time or taking off all my clothes years ago. It was not what I needed then. It would not have been right for us. Things change over time, and if you stick with DD, I will bet you that your version of DD will not look the same in one year, in two years, as it does now.

    Thanks LM, especialy for the hugs!

  6. I think the only thing constant in ttwd is change….at least that has been our conclusion….in our neck of the woods. I don’t know that I will ever get used to the roller coaster of emotions….but I do know, that i never want to go back to our old way of doing things. I guess these moments of utter confusion and disarray have to happen in order for growth to occur….at least that is what I tell myself :)

  7. You know I’m sitting here feeling so strongly for the two of you. This is written with such candour and strength and I hope it really has helped you to work things through. Both of you, that is.
    You know I identify with the whole dual role….the role outside the house and in the work place. Sometimes I think never the twain shall meet. I work so very hard to make it fit snuggly…so that it looks not to be a huge effort…so that it just ‘happens’. Some times I /we laugh at the whole set up (when I go away for 24 hours and get three dozen texts depsite the spredsheet of information on the fridge)…..but other times I feel so frustrated that I shoulder the whole responsibility because it is so up to me to make it work…and not disadvantage anyone. Peter has been supportive all the way but largely I’ve had to figure it out and sometimes I feel if one thing slips my whole world will implode. Well not really, but it would at least have a rippling effect and I’d be left standing. I mean, does HE sit in meetings…important meetings, mentally going through the shopping list or ticking off the evening’s activities and the clothes/equipment needed. Heck NO.
    It’s inevitable these things resurface from time to time. The important thing is for resentments not to set in.
    And don’t loose the humour….where would we be without that ? Hiring contractors has ALWAYS been Peter’s role. He says I am way too soft and that builders only have to be with us for a day to receive multiple cups of tea and homemade cake and he returns to a contractor who knows the name of his wife, the ages of his children and their life plans in intricate detail.
    Ugh, it’s TRUE

    Sarah,LD,UK
    PS I’ve left holiday arrangements to him for years…he knows what he wants to see and who he wants to see it with…. !

  8. “I also learned if I am going to sneak out of the house in the early morning I need to get better at it! :) ” LOL.There has to be humor somewhere in it for me, too.

    These posts are a wonderful thing, truly wonderful. I can’t express how much this is building my perspective on DD/TTWD. (Happy tears)

  9. I can hardly wait for your next post. I’m very curious as to where you’ve landed in your mind; in your view of things. It certainly seems that Grant has a very clear vision for your new version of TTWD.

    One might question his methods. He’s changed things up on you without much warning. One might call that unfair. One thing that is clear is the love your man has for you. It’s beautiful.

  10. Sara, three powerful posts about love, about change, about commitment, and about TTWD. I hope you soon get to enjoy the calm after these storms.
    hugs abby

  11. Yes Lucy, it’s what I tell myself when the going gets rough too. Change and confusion results in growth. And…looking back, it always has!

    Sarah, it is such a delicate balance we have to maintain. I think most especially for a more high powered career woman who is also a Taken in Hand wife. Both of us are definitely in a much better place today than we were a week ago, and that makes TTWD all worthwhile, doesn’t it? The alternative, living with ongoing and unresolved discord, did not work well for us.

    Bree, if I ever lose my sense of humor, just shoot me, ok? ;)

    Michele, he does love me, and one might also say “all is fair in love and war”!  No, seriously, at the end of the day, what IS fair is that he takes care of me and of us, that he is committed and devoted. I’ll talk more about this in my next post, but I just might have known, not all the details, but that I was wandering way off course, if I had been paying closer attention…and I simply was not.

    Abby, we are there, in the calm after the storm, and it’s a very nice place to be!

  12. I just thank you for your courage in sharing such private things. I can’t tell you how helpful it is to me being brand new at this to hear a more experienced take on ttwd.

    I can’t imagine ever having this level of trust in my husband, but reading your journey gives me hope. : )

  13. Oh, Sara…. I am so sorry for what you are going through, but I DO know you will both come through it stronger and closer than ever before. Bless you both. xxxxxx

  14. Your own integrity shines through in your writing, Sara. Even when you are uncertain what is happening and what is changing, your unwavering trust in him and the strength of your relationship is so incredibly touching and encouraging to others who may be struggling.

  15. I can really relate to so much of this. How I get reined back in when I’m feeling at my most independent, how sometimes there’s a game-changer when I need it the most and want it the LEAST…a lot of what you have written.

    Yes, DD is always changing. I call it a “living breathing document”. I too have a strong fight or flight instinct and I would have done exactly what you did. The confusion, the the obstinate side would kick in. Harrumph. And my husband would have done what G did too.

    You sound like you are in a better place, clarity has arrived and you seem happier. And it IS okay to agree to disagree, only my man would rather spank me until I agree..grrr. Does he have to agree when I want to agree to disagree? :)

  16. Hey Sara…Looks like you and Grant are working your way back to a good place…it will just be different from what it was because you two are now in a different place.

    I have read all 3 parts of this ‘Tale’ plus Grant’s response re. Part 2 and one thing jumps out at me: You’ve mentioned several times that you think Grant might resent the strong part of you that you use to do your job. Do you really believe that or do you think maybe you are feeling guilty for being more in a business rather than relationship frame of mind the last year and trying to deflect those feelings? Again, since I just see small glimpses that you are generous enough to share, I could be totally wrong and if so, I truly apologize.

    Sending lots of positive energy in your continuing journey.

    Blessings,
    Cat

  17. Just Starting out, it IS hard to share this stuff sometimes it’s very hard, but it helps me to write it and I’m glad it helps you to read it. The level of trust we have built slowly over many years. It’s the best part of DD, the trust and the intimacy.

    Daisy, I was sorry last week and the week before when I was going through it. Now that’s it’s all over, we’re good!

    Thank you June! Without integrity, not much else matters in my book.

    I apperciate your support Stormy. I think it really needs to be ok to agree to disagree. Spanking someone into agreement isn’t a true agreement, is it?

    Hi Cat. I can’t honestly answer that one. I don’t think I feel guilty about my work, but I do feel badly that it causes him stress, and takes me away from him. The last year was mostly about healing, but when I went back to work a number of months ago, I did go into it with 110% of me. There are so many complicated factors behind all of this. I’d have to write a book to explain it all. Your questions have been thought provoking and I do appreciate them!

  18. The line that stands out for me is “I have entrusted myself and our marriage to his keeping.” I think it is a beautiful way to express this and in that one phrase your trust in Grant shows through. Whether you are moving along smoothly or struggling you trust Grant to steer your marriage and that is lovely and in this day far too rare. Life, marriage, love all take work and diligence. It can be messy.

    Yet again your honesty gives me great hope that even if it is hard or messy we too can do the work and come out the other side facing the world together. Thanks and I look forward to the last post.

  19. this is some powerful post sara, thank you for sharing. ttwd is a living breathing thing all of its self, contstantly changing and moving and tripping us up now and then and keeping us on our toes…its a testatment to the love and respect a couple have for each other when they navigate these seas when they get choppy as they inevitably will for everyone in this lifestyle. You guys are just amazing and i think you did an awesome job of navigating this particular storm. I liked how he held you and promised “ive always got you” That touched me. its what its all about even though sometimes the seas are choppy and can be painful. Well done you two
    hugs kiwi xxxx

  20. Hi Sara,
    I had never commented in your blog but I read it and I respect you a lot. I think for your last two posts Ami has very well said what I was also thinking and I’m so glad she did because she expressed it very good. I have no doubts about the love between Grant and you, especially from your side because that’s the one that I can read, you have a solid relationship and I respect that. However, maybe because I am looking things from my own perspective and I’m in a very different place than you, I considered some of the things that Grant did extremely rude and wrong. I know from your writing that you are at peace with everything he did and don’t feel at all like I think I would feel if I were at your place, I know I have nothing to worry about but I still cannot get my head around some things. I just cannot believe he spanked you before you went to work! that’s horrible and insensitive from my point of view, and also was the corner time being nude; that would be devastating for me. I feel like if he resented you being successful in your job (I also remembered the incident with your phone call from work)… althought he said otherwise… I felt like he was trying to humiliate you. And again, I’m just commenting which was my impression when I read your posts but I know you don’t feel that way, I just cannot imagine myself being in that position, I cannot imagine how much you have lived and learned in so many years of marriage and DD. It is not my intention to offend anyone, I am glad you are finding your way to each other after your illness period and I wish you the very best. I am looking forward your next post.
    Cheers

  21. We have a similar thing going on and have for years. My husband feels that he should deal with all tradesmen. I think he feels that real men don’t have tradesmen except as a last resort and subsequently I can wait for progress around the house/garden for a very long time. As someone who thrives on progress and beautifying I sometimes don’t know what to do with my frustration. I’m currently thinking of how I might convince him to employ someone to remove two very large stumps so that we can plant the 30 trees in pots I have been keeping alive all summer. Friends and family tell me to just do it myself not understanding that this is raising the red flag. It’s a dilemma and I have no idea how to resolve it. It’s a blind spot and I endeavor not to dwell on it because I think there’s a bit of OCD/perfectionism in all this and to dwell would be to drive myself crazy. I will look forward to reading the resolution. I’ll gladly read anything you have to offer on the subject.

  22. This was a very powerful set of posts Sara, thank you so much for sharing. There’s no doubt ttwd is a constantly evolving thing, as other aspect of our lives and our needs, desires etc change.

    I can certainly understand your frustration and confusion with the changes. It does sound though that these events have ultimately strengthened your dynamic. Its often out of the hardest times that we gain the most growth isn’t it?

    I love the conversation afterwards and Grant words to you.

    Hugs,
    Roz

  23. Zoe, yes, I do trust Grant to take care of me and to steer our marriage. It’s a lovely place to be!

    Thanks Kiwi! This was not an easy time, and it took it’s toll on us both, but we have indeed transitioned and grown from it, and at the end of the day we are very much in this together. I am grateful that we have a special kind of marriage.

    Eclipse, when we read things on the internet we are only offered a glimpse in to someone else’s life and we naturally fill in the gaps. You said, “I considered some of the things that Grant did extremely rude and wrong”, “corner time being nude; that would be devastating for me.” …but you see, from my perspective, I feel I was being rude by how I handled that work call, and I was not very bothered, let alone “devastated” by the corner time, except that it was new…and new things always feel a bit weird. Grant, of all things, has never humiliated or degraded me in any way. Please believe me in that! I am not sure why you don’t see how courteous and kind and loving my husband is to me, how well he takes care of me. I guess I don’t talk enough about that side of things.

    Vesta, I wish I had an answer to your question. Patience…that’s all I’ve got. We need lots and lots of patience when we’re not the one in charge and we have a project with a time line on our minds!

    Roz, I think the events of the past three weeks have indeed strengthened and renewed our dynamic.

  24. I am beginning to see through these stories where you are going Sara and what was really at the heart of the “stuff” you and Grant needed to work out. It’s amazing how it all comes together as you have looked back on it. Bah! I suppose the process is needed, even if it stings. It’s also pretty neat how he knew what you needed, even if it stood outside the box of what you usually do.

    I am in a conversation (or should be) with my husband on a business matter. My brain is telling me to shut up and just do what I want to do without his input, b/c I fear that I won’t like it and yet your three spankings here are moving me towards communicating more fully. Why continue to build walls if I can see myself already starting and know that it is not good for us? We are going to have to either compromise on an outcome or “agree to disagree” but either way, it will be better than me charging ahead without him. So…thanks for unknowingly helping me process something! Maybe I can even get through it without a spanking. LOL…maybe. ;)

  25. Well,

    I certainly appreciate all of your comments and I wish I could answer each one, but a few thoughts do come to mind:

    It is difficult to maintain a DD relationship. First, the submissive one has to trust and let go and that is nearly impossible, especially for all of you strong, intelligent women on this site. You challenge because you have the intelligence and self-confidence to brave this new world.

    However, it is a testament to your strength and common sense that you go through these trials because you love your partner and you really have committed to give whatever it takes to keep a committed, intimate relationship…it benefits your whole family and often all the peripheral people you engage with. This model of harmony is rare and our children need to see that. They are getting enough negative role models from the general society and it is taking its toll as you must know.

    Also, no, if you intend to humiliate your partner, it is not DD. Humility, which is different, goes both ways, and I have to attend to humility, after all, it is imperative that we give ourselves to a Higher Power, whatever that may be for you–for me it is God.

    I have to live up to my own standards if I want someone to follow me. There is no wavering on responsibility, no guesswork on behavior, and no doubt about what is needed for the health of our relationship. Do we make mistakes? Thank God we do, for if a person never makes mistakes they will never learn humility.

    Did I make a mistake this time that Sara speaks so eloquently about?

    Absolutely not. Sometimes the most difficult solution to a possible disaster is hard to do. But I am sure all you Doms know, there is no retreat, no turning back, no surrender and we have just begun to fight!

    What I have learned, once again, is: Never give up, never give up, never give up.

    Grant

  26. Sara, I’ve read, admired & learned a great deal from your blog over the years. I do share some of the feelings voiced by Ami & Eclipse, however, when it comes to these recent posts. I think you sounded a little defensive in your response to Ami, suggesting that her concerns could all be put down to the fact that she’s a relatively new to DD or even that she doesn’t fully trust her husband. My husband & I have been doing TTWD for 5 years, but I still expect to be treated with respect, & would have concerns if his behaviour towards me was not respectful & considerate. He makes the decisions about discipline, but of course that’s within a framework of mutual love, trust & respect. I remember reading your post, not too long ago, about how you had withdrawn consent completely when it came to DD & felt you could no longer trust Grant to steer the ship – so to speak – so it’s perhaps natural that your readers may feel some concerns about the intensity – & methods – with which he is trying to reestablish his leadership. If you’re happy that it’s working & that you’re reconnecting in a more intimate way, then of course that’s the important thing.
    Best wishes,
    mouse38

  27. It is pretty neat that he knew what I needed Susie, even more so because he before I knew, and because he was willing to go outside the box to get me there. It’s hard balancing one’s professional and marriage interests, knowing where to draw the lines. I’m glad reading here helped you in some way!

    mouse38, I too expect to be treated with respect and consideration, and I am not sure what gives you the idea that anything but that has occurred here. My husband has always done his very best to respect me, and nothing has changed in that area of our lives.
    I did write that I withdrew consent months ago, but it was not because I could not trust Grant himself, but because Grant was ill and unable to function at the level needed to make decisions for us. He had a medical condition that caused a temporary impairment. Thankfully, he is now well again, back to himself, and I trust him as much as I always have.
    On the one hand I don’t want to sound defensive to Ami or Eclipse or you, but on the other hand, you are questioning my husband’s character, and my ability to separate out power exchange from abuse. I understand when I write so openly I leave myself open to questions and judgment. On the other hand, I hope after all these years of writing that we might have earned the benefit of the doubt.
    I am not abused, physically or emotionally. I am never humiliated or belittled. I am not pushed beyond my limits. I trust my husband because he has earned that trust. I am a woman with self-awareness and self-respect and I choose to do this thing we do in the way we do it because it works for us. It surely is not for everyone and as I have always said, everyone should do what works best for them, their marriage, and who they are, in their own marriage dynamic.

  28. I was there with you through the entire thing. I feel like I have lived this so often – having to accept a spanking when I don’t feel I did anything to earn it. I found myself quite emotional while you told of the scene.
    There have been so many times when I have done things, and Ian has interpreted them as disrespectful or controlling and I end up getting spanked, feeling confused and resentful.
    It sounded like there was a beautiful resolution to your incident, and lots of time ours is too – but it is a battleground on the inside.
    Ian has never sent me to the corner, and I hope and pray he never does…. You took it so well, I know that it would be a Chernobyl type of situation.
    Thanks so much for posting this, Sara. It was very helpful.
    hugs
    lillie

  29. Hi Sara, my intention was to share my feelings, not to offend. I mentioned several times that I know you don’t feel the way “I would feel if I were at your place”, that’s why I said corner time would be devastating for ME, I know it’s not for you. I also wrote that I have no doubts about the love between your husband and you, that I respect you and I really tried to clarify that through my entire comment. You are right when you say that we just have a glimpse into someone’s life, I know it and yes I believe you. I wish you all the best.

  30. Lillie, I am well aware of that inner battleground. TTWD is NOT easy, or peaceful or a smooth ride much of the time. BUT, it is still worth all of that for the intimacy and peace we have found together. And so…we continue to do what we do.

    Eclipse, I realize no one commenting here meant to offend, and I am not offended, just feeling a bit vulnerable. I always appreciate and even want to encourage open dialogue. It’s hard to read that someone might think ill of my husband. He is so good to me. And, this whole thing was hard to write about, to be open with, because it is very new and frankly, I still feel a bit tender, sharing our first steps into the way things will be…our newer version of DD.

  31. You are both very brave to do this. As long as you both find it beneficial (and clearly you do), that is all that matters.

  32. Wow. That was a lot for me to absorb and I was just reading it. Ttwd is tricky business, isn’t it? What always shines through to me about the two of you is your great love for one another and your willingness to work through things, even when it gets downright hard. I look forward to reading your next post.

  33. “…I’ve always got you!” Those have to be some of the most comforting words in the English language. Four little words that have such warmth and safety and security in them. I’m glad that you are finding your way again. Your love and commitment to one another is wonderfully refreshing.

    P

  34. Thank you L. For us, this has worked well. It is what we both needed and we’re in a better place.

    Grace, it was a tough week or 10 days to go through, but fruitful, important, and I just can’t argue with the results!

    P, THAT is what keeps ne together in my life. Those words and the truth behind them. He HAS got me!

  35. Sara, I’m sorry that my comments caused offence. I clearly didn’t express myself well because not for one second did I think there was anything abusive about your relationship or Grant’s behavour towards you. I was simply trying to make the point that having limits within a DD marriage isn’t necessarily a sign that you don’t trust your husband or that you’re new to the whole DD dynamic, which I thought was implied in your response to Ami. I think we all have limits, whether or not they’ve been negotiated in detail, limits based on mutual respect & love.

    In fact I think our situation is very much like yours as described in your most recent post, in that we don’t talk through everything that might happen in a disciplinary context, & we feel able to go with the flow, precisely because I know my husband won’t behave in a disrespectful way & can, to a large extent, read my feelings. But to give an example of where I would have a “hard limit”, I wouldn’t be able to submit to a spanking when I was ready to leave the house in the morning. That’s because my situation is different from yours – I have younger children who need taking to school, and on the days when I go on to work afterwards being late would cause disruption & inconvenience to others ( I teach part-time). Your latest post explains that your morning spanking didn’t cause you to be late, to appear unprofessional or to fail to fulfil workplace responsibilities, so of course that’s quite different. If a husband chose to spank his wife at a certain time knowing that it would diminish her professionally or cause her unnecessary stress, to my mind that would be disrespectful, but I see now that that wasn’t how it was for you.

    Also, because my husband’s work commitments are greater than mine at the moment, it simply wouldn’t be practical for him to have to deal with workmen all the time. We had boiler problems recently, & if I’d not been able to engage a workman without my husband checking that he wasn’t ripping me off first, the children & I would have been stuck without heating & hot water during a very cold snap. I would feel that if my husband put a rule above our wellbeing in that way – not that he would – then yes, it would show a lack of respect & consideration. But again I can see that meeting a landscaper to discuss gardening work is not quite so urgent & waiting wouldn’t have made your life difficult in the same way – so yes, different situations.

    Other people’s marriages are always a mystery & I’m sure that’s no less the case when they blog about them! Yes, I did wonder from your accounts, which were quite raw & emotional in places, whether Grant was pushing things too far, not at all to the point of abuse, but just beyond what was helpful. That’s obviously not the case – as you say, he can read you like a book; & I’m really happy that things are so much better between you.

    Best wishes,
    mouse38

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