A Tail of Three Spankings – part two

This is where Domestic Discipline gets dicey, where real life and real marriage, can sometimes be anything but pretty.

Spanking number two was ridiculous. I was already a little befuddled because he had spanked me over a broken faucet, which then somehow turned into a change in our ‘DD Deal’, our terms of engagement. The terms are loose, flowing. We’ve never had (or wanted) a “DD Contract” per se. We talk and grow and change. And I guess sometimes we change and then we talk? We have a non written but well and often discussed DD agreement.

I actually don’t hold it against him that he spanked and then talked. Ok, so he could have told me first, but I accepted the spanking with some attempt towards graceful (after I argued, of course). And after thinking about it, I agree he has a real point. I am not a child. I do know what he wants. And he doesn’t ask me to do things unless he does really want me to do them, unless it’s important to him. He doesn’t micro-manage. He’s always said he’d rather have my cooperation than my obedience, although he’ll take my obedience if it’s all he can get. Meaning, if I agree, if I accept and follow, it makes things nicer for us. If I have an issue, he’ll usually hear me out, sometimes even change his position. However, If it’s important to his way of thinking and he puts his foot down, if he demands my obedience, he’ll get it…eventually, one way or the other. He’d rather not have to demand my compliance. I understand, and would rather not be ordered around either. If you’re going to agree to dance, it’s nicer and considerably more pleasant to be able to dance gracefully than to be dragged around the dance floor!

But this event, spanking number two was a doozy, and it came not a week after a spanking over a broken faucet, and frankly I was completely furious! This was a big bad OTK spanking AGAIN, that he AGAIN dragged me into (not literally but mentally). In fact, he caught me quietly leaving for work at about 7 am and insisted he spank me right then and there. He just NEVER ever spanks me in the morning before work! I was dressed, heels, coat on, travel mug in hand…and had to go back into the bedroom for a spanking! Talk about a brain twist! Sigh….

And he was WRONG! I was totally sure in my mind that he was wrong. We keep work and home separate or our marriage gets too confusing. And I must keep my role as work boss and my role as submissive wife separate or all sorts of confusion and chaos results. He doesn’t interfere with my work…ever. This is a hardline for me. He agrees. But we both get tripped up at times by the space between who we are out in the world and our marriage dynamic. I’ve been feeling for a while that he resented my time at work, my busy schedule, my focus on other things. He says it is not at all true, but two careers puts a strain on a marriage and I think right now we are a bit out of sync with our life stages. We’re dealing with the timing of things like work and retirement and the transitions between the two. Kids moving out, moving away, getting married, menopause….This is truly not easy stuff.

I followed him back into the bedroom. I don’t say no. Yes is yes, and DD can’t be a seesaw of ongoing decision-making. You consent or you don’t. And I feel it’s a matter of honor, of keeping my word. Discipline and punishment is 100% his decision. But that does not mean I won’t disagree or argue, and at times tell him how completely wrong and misguided and unfair he was!

I did argue my way all the way though this one, sometimes with words. Thoughts I dared not say out loud and total internal resistance took over. Of course he knew that, could read me…which is perhaps what made it such a terrible spanking. BUT…I won’t lie and pretend submission when I think he’s being a … well, you get the idea. I felt misunderstood, disrespected, unfairly doubted. And I could not wrap my mind around him doing this to me, treating me so poorly. In the moment that is exactly how it felt. It was all a terrible mistake and he just would or could not hear me. And he just kept spanking!

The spanking was awful. I was a little bruised (which has not happened in years) and sobbing by the end. When he finally let me up, I pulled my winter white designer slacks up from around my ankles, flung out, “I f’ing HATE you!” and locked myself in the bathroom. Um, yeah. It was not my best moment. :(

I always tell the truth here, and yes, it actually went down like that. And, he did not come after me. I cried into a towel for a bit, collected myself, grabbed some under eye cover up out of my make-up kit which I simply threw in my coat pocket, and got out of Dodge. I managed to leave for work without seeing him again. Can I say this was one time I was thankful for very my chilly leather car seats in the wintertime? That night I had an after-work appointment and the anger between us lived on. He went out too. Nothing was resolved. We were barely speaking the next day. On rare occasion, a spanking does not cure-all. When there are underlying issues a spanking is just a spanking. We argued some through text and were distant and polite in person. He was still angry too, and I told him that was unfair. He doesn’t get to punish me and stay angry.

I began a new post. As a way to process, to work my way through my anger and back towards my erring husband who I do love even when he’s wrong, I began to finally write a response to Saoirse’s series of posts that begins with: “When The HoH is Wrong” . I somehow hoped to work out my anger and resentment and come to terms with the fact that our HOH’s are not always right or perfect. And they are not. Half of that post was written. It’s now been deleted. I’ll get to it, but again, sometimes in the midst of being sure he’s wrong…just sometimes mind you, he’s not. It took me a while to figure out all the things he had not said but could have, or what I had not heard. It took me some time to read between the lines and figure out what had happened.

This time it was complicated because it had to do with his work and my work and mixing that up and a basic lack of communication. I don’t even think I can explain it all in a way that would make sense, but he thought I had not told him something in a timely manner and I felt I had waited until we had time and I was of a mind to talk. Because it was a work issue, because it related to and involved my work, I judged that it could wait. He feels because it also involves his business interests, his work, that I should have contacted him immediately, and in not doing so, he believed I withheld from him. We still disagree to this day about the details and facts, and when and where work spilled over into a relationship issue.

What I do understand now that I did not then was the current of disconnects and disregard between us that made the facts look so different to each of us from where we stood, which was far apart. There are times when a faucet is not just a faucet and an action or lack there-of carries weight and meaning far beyond the apparent facts of the case. Grant was all about my not including him in a decision, where I was all about the choices being mine to make, as they were work related. The real issue is that we were apart in many more substantial ways. Our power exchange was interrupted and off kilter, and this happened to be the incident that the issue was being played out around.

I think, now, in retrospect, the real issues are that I was/am post-surgery recovery from last year and immersed in work. Grant also went through a time when he was unable to be actively engaged. Our DD dynamic is just getting back on its feet. I am not driving it and not even focused on it (or wasn’t) and was feeling pretty comfortable that way. Grant made sure I was very uncomfortable sitting for the next day or so which certainly fueled my anger, but yes, also shook me up and got me thinking. Mostly I was thinking awful things about him, but at least I WAS thinking about him, and about us, which in truth, I guess I had not been for a while. Not with the same focus I and he were used to, pre-illness.

It’s very comfortable to just do your own thing. It’s easier. We were getting along, going on dates. I was working hard on myself…my health, and at work. It’s easier to not always be asking yourself “What would my husband think?” However, it does not make for the most integrated or connected marriage. It’s not good for intimacy. But…it’s easy.

I think Grant’s decision and message is we’re done with recovery and done with easy.

Spanking number three happened just 2 days later. OMG…the man was on a roll! And, having not figured things out yet, I was flummoxed, shocked, and could NOT believe he was in the WRONG again!

But…I’ll save part three for next time.

25 thoughts on “A Tail of Three Spankings – part two

  1. Hi Sara, I think that it must be very hard to accept meekly a spanking when you are 100% sure that your man is wrong. I would find that really difficult. It’s not a case of I am just not up for it ,it feels unjust. I suppose screaming that you hate hin did not help your cause but it’s really understandable. Can’t wait to hear about the third one and I hope that everything is okay now, love Jan.xx

  2. I remember how difficult those work conflicts were. We weren’t in a dd dynamic then, or even now for that matter, but it led to many unpleasant days and nights. I know it will all get resolved but it’s hard to get our heads wrapped around meshing both worlds successfully. I am sure in post three you will tell us it’s all resolved – well, at least for the interim. lol

  3. This is the kind of scenario that really worries me as far as Dd is concerned, and why, I think, that Starman is not eager to go into the realm of punishment spankings. To my thinking, when something is clear cut, and you know you were totally off the rails, like me last week, a spanking is probably the best thing ever.

    But this morning we virtually had a facsimile of your ‘faucet’ drama, only in our case it was the dishwasher (a whole on-going saga of repairs and goings-on) and after it had failed to switch itself off, and had as a consequence been on all night, Starman really had a go at me. I was on my way out the house to work (7.10am) and I snapped at him that he had told me he was going to get on the case as everything I had done had failed so far. He told me that he expected me to deal with it as it was the least I could do. Etc etc you get the picture. I didn’t give him time to address the issue further – I was out the house. Now, when I arrived home I found he had been on to the company and we have a repairman coming out on Thursday. He’s calmed down, I’ve calmed down – resolution, no ill feelings.

    Now going on to work decisions. If either of us have to make decisions concerning work, which may or may not have an impact upon the other, then we go ahead and make them. I feel that in a professional capacity it is not always possible to say “Oh I must consult my other half on this one.” And sometimes we forget, genuinely forget, to discuss work issues on the same day a decision is made. We live with that because we are not perfect. There have been occasions where work issues have caused problems, but not enough to derail us. We just have to get on with it and work through the issues. The only reason I could see problems occurring would be if I did or said something work-related that was disrespectful to Starman. I mean by that, if it had a detrimental impact upon his professional interests.

    I have to tell you that if he EVER made a sudden move to spank me with force, just before work, without a thorough discussion beforehand, there would not only be anger and resentment, but I fear the consequences on our marriage. Now – I think Sara that I feel so emotive about it, on your behalf, because we have been doing TTWD for such a very short time, and I simply don’t have the experience or perspective to carry me through such an occurrence. For me, such a spanking as you describe, with sobbing and bruising and discomfort for up to two days, would be too much for me to cope with. I would feel that he had no regard for my feelings. I would feel like one of these fictional characters who has the stuffing whaled out of her because her husband doesn’t agree with her, doesn’t trust her judgement and cannot wait until she gets home to sit down and discuss things rationally with – before spanking her.

    These spankings of yours have stirred up all sorts of emotion in me. I think what bothers me the most is the non-communication that allows them to reach this pitch. And I dread to think what the third one was like. I have to have COMPLETE TRUST in Starman. I need to hear Grant’s point of view – because this is, of course, one-sided. Perhaps you wounded him deeply in some way. But the trouble is that a certain amount of anger on his part shows through, and I didn’t think that it was meant to be like this.

    Sorry to have written such a long comment. It is me thinking aloud and sharing my reactions with you. For a beginner it is often difficult to understand all the pieces that make up the entire jigsaw. You obviously got over it or you would not be posting! But there again, there was obviously something different about your feelings with regard to these spankings, or you would not be bothering to talk them through with a wider audience.

    “The real issue is that we were apart in many more substantial ways.” Perhaps you should have written more on this – because I think that this is the crux of the matter. But on the other hand, we cannot always live in each other’s pockets – it’s not feasible or healthy.

    I hope you are not offended by me thinking aloud – as I value your posts, your advice, and also your opinions. You just got me REALLY THINKING for once. Grant used to write on your blogs once – do you think he would again? I’d find it so helpful and I think it would make me see things in a different light completely.

    Many hugs, and I hope your bum has finally recovered!

    Ami

  4. Jan, I did not “meekly” accept the spanking, and yes, I am totally ok now. I made the decision to accept it bc at the end of the day, that is our agreement, that he makes the call on disagreements and discipline. Every couple makes their own agreements, and that is ours.

    SunnyGirl, it is all resolved and it was a good reminder to be careful not to mesh work and home for me.

    Ami, just to be clear, Grant did not “make a sudden move to spank me with force”. He’s not like that. He texted me the night before that there would be a spanking. I assumed it would be in the evening, because that is how we had always done things in the past. I was wrong.

    I think you need to remember that Grant and I have been doing DD for almost 8 years. I DO have complete trust in him, even when I am furious, even when I think he is wrong. That foundation of experience and trust and our particular set of boundaries was built carefully over years. I don’t have trust that he will always be right, but I do have trust that he will do what he thinks is right, with integrity, and with what he thinks is our best interests clearly in mind.

    If I do end up getting a spanking that I don’t feel I deserve, well, that’s not much different than being on the receiving end of a criticism or an argument that was undeserved. It happens in all relationships. People make mistakes. Grant did not bruise me on purpose, nor did either of us expect I would bruise. I think that is because I’ve been minimally spanked for almost a year now…my butt is apparently out of practice.

    I understand your concerns, and how things might look to you, trying to put yourself in my shoes, from where you are right now in your journey, but I assure you I am fine in every way. Yes, my feelings were hurt in the moment. There is no partner of 33 years who doesn’t get hurt feelings occasionally. His feelings were also hurt, in a different way. We ARE better now. And it’s totally ok to express your doubts and ask your questions here, too!

  5. Thank you so much for sharing these last two spankings, Sara. Our dynamic is also very fluid and I know Henry is in complete agreement with preferring my cooperation, but he’ll take my obedience if that is all I can offer.

    As usual, you relayed these events in a way that helped me to sort out very different events – that can be seen as having so many similarities. We’ve done ttwd for 1 1/2 years, but lately with all the changes in our household (90 yr old Grandma moved in and H changed jobs + another child left for college) I can really relate to this paragraph …

    “It’s very comfortable to just do your own thing. It’s easier. We were getting along, going on dates. I was working hard on myself…my health, and at work. It’s easier to not always be asking yourself “What would my husband think?” However, it does not make for the most integrated or connected marriage. It’s not good for intimacy. But…it’s easy.”

    Because it is EASIER to just keep things rolling, but it doesn’t put us in a growth cycle, and in fact, I noticed it set us back. I also appreciate that you honestly explained your reaction to the spanking (“I f’ing HATE you!”) because it lets me know that I am not ‘failing’ at ttwd when I big time blow it with similar reactions. It also helps me to see you (Sara!!) accept a spanking at an inopportune time, clearly saying “he’s the leader” … because I’ve struggled with that one and have a few times won the battle to delay to a time that works better for me. But if you can take it before work – in lovely sounding winter white slacks … so can I!

    Have I said how much I admire your honesty, respect your courage and use your blog as a guide to navigating ttwd … now if I could only find a good under eye concealer.

  6. Ugh. It all sounds so convoluted. It certainly seems like you found yourselves at one of those difficult intersections. The good news is, angry or not, neither one of you abandoned the other. Good communication, really understanding one another, can be simple at times, and yet other times it can be quite complicated. I know that for us, getting back on track after a very short break of ttwd was difficult, so I can only imagine how much more so it has been for the two of you. Hang in there! It will be worth it down the road. (((hugs)))

  7. I love that even in your defiance/uncertainty you are resolved to submit because it is what you signed up for. John and I have yet to experience that, but I hope to do the same when the time comes. I’m sorry that you both are struggling and hope that you will once again find the intimacy that this lifestyle affords. I’m glad Grant is willing to put it the necessary work to get you both there

    P

  8. Don’t hate me but this post made me kind of happy. Not that you got in trouble.I mean, I feel more normal now..lol. I think it’s incredibly brave to say what you said, at the end there. I’d never dare. Well not in my right mind. My husband almost NEVER lets me walk away that angry. Pouting, yes. Rage..no.

    I appreciate your honesty. I know it’s hard sometimes.

    I once wrote a post about unfair spankings, and how to handle them. I needed to process and move on, and I wrote it for myself. It has become a kind of blueprint for me! I don’t need it often. I have a habit of thinking every spanking is rotten and unjust..lol…but mostly I come around and see my part in all of it. It’s rarely unfair.

    I think we all wish a spanking would cure all, after all why suffer through it and be left with the same issues or even more? But you are wise, and sometimes a spanking just “is”. And sometimes it’s working behind the scenes for weeks after without us even realizing it.

    I’m with you. I have accused him before about spanking me and still being upset. No fair. I shouldn’t have to take it and then still deal with lingering anger. But he’s human, dang it. And there are times when his anger has more to do with my attitude toward him than the offense.

    I hope things are shaking out between you two. This is tough stuff. I’m pulling for you.

  9. It’s so true – sometimes a faucet isn’t just a faucet. Sometimes I will stew about something for days or weeks. Then we talk and I realize how far apart we were in our own interpretations of the same situation.

    But the thing I keep coming back to is – I can’t believe he spanked you before work! Does he not understand how hard it is to readjust your makeup after a spanking?? :)

  10. Liz, I too have won the battle with not ceding control in the past (delaying a spanking, arguing him in circles) but learned over time that I can win the battle and lose the war. I wish I didn’t have to admit I had lost it in such a big way with my outburst, but I did, and people do, and we are all human. Real life sometimes isn’t very neat or pretty! Now, a good under eye concealer is a must! Try Sephora! 

    Grace, you’re right that getting back on track after this much time is hard, but doable. Not very graceful, but it is happening.

    Pocahontas, submitting when you are upset and uncertain is really, really hard! All I know is the alternative is taking back control every time I don’t agree. We’d be on a merry-go-round! I almost never agree at first. Most time I do by the time it’s over. Sometimes I have to accept that my agreement is not required, only my compliance. That’s what being the follower is bout. It’s easy enough to follow when you were gong the same way anyway. It’s when you want to turn and run that following takes determination and courage and conviction.

    Stormy, how could I hate you? I do understand that by laying my and our weaknesses ‘out there’ it makes others realize that maybe we are not so perfect or maybe they are not so abnormal in their trails and bumps. TTWD is HARD stuff at times, and people simply do the best they can. Grant would not usually allow me to talk like that, let alone leave like that either. It will be interesting to see what he decides to say (he has promised to comment here) but I would guess he realized I was beyond reason.

    Michele, not only does he not realize “how hard it is to readjust… makeup after a spanking??” but I expect he doesn’t even care! Sheesh, men!

  11. Hey Sara…

    No real advice to give here, just some thoughts as to what really jumped out at me:
    1. “…until we had time and I was of a mind to talk.” Were you expecting trouble?
    2. “…because it also involves his business interests..” So in his mind, were you putting your business interests ahead of him or not respecting him?
    3. “It’s very comfortable to just do your own thing…”

    It sounds as if you were not really into a relationship (vanilla or DD) frame of mind. Almost as if the two of you have been living more as roommates with benefits rather than life partners. Since I am just seeing a very small glimpse into your lives, I could be reading this totally wrong and if so, I truly apologize.

    Sending positive energy that you two get back on the same page soon.

    Blessings,
    Cat

  12. Cat, you have hit the nail on the head!

    1) I was expecting trouble. Not a spanking, but stress and disagreement, and so I wanted to slip out and avoid him.
    2) He did feel I had disrespected him. I truly was not putting my business interests before his; in fact I believe I was putting HIS business interests first. Again, I think I was trying to avoid stress. I really hate discord between us, and when it comes to business, it just seems to always end there, predictably, yet often in ways I never would have expected. I think I I did not exactly DECIDE not to tell him, but I think I delayed telling him because we had social plans and were busy and I didn’t want to risk ruining our weekend. Note to self: “No more business dealings between us!!!”
    3) Exactly. I think, without realizing it, I have not been so much in a relationship frame of mind.

    You can’t apologize Cat, when you are so freakin’ right!!! LOL

  13. It is soooo much easier to write about than to live. It is a testament to the bond, the love, when a woman of your strength and fortitude, independence submits. I confess to really rude thoughts in my head-for at least the first while……

  14. This may be a very odd comment, but I truly appreciate the dignity that underlies your post, it is almost palpable. I am of the same mind, I can get spanked anytime, for ay reason, simply because I belong to him, and that decision is his. It is what I signed up for, it is what I asked for.

    I think the most important part of posts like this is that all of us struggle, and that no matter how uncomfortable it gets, we can come through it stronger together if we put in the work. Thank you for your honesty in sharing.

  15. Sara,
    I have been lurking for months. Every post you write teaches and helps me and I wait impatiently for the next one. My husband and I are about six months in our DD life after being married for 20 years.
    Thank you for sharing the good the bad and even the ugly. I have no advice to offer but I offer my support in heart. I have no doubt that you and Grant will come out the other side of all this stronger and better for it!
    Julie

  16. Sara thank you for yet again being so honest with your journey. It is not always sunshine and roses and sometimes every spanking is not the fix-all we want it to be. But you share it all and you have said that you are both OK now so that gives great hope that we can make it work over the long hall. You’re the best.

  17. Ohhhh, we’ve had so many twists and turns in our careers…one of us working longer hours, one of us earning more, one of us taking more family responsibility.And it is is so hard to keep on an even keel….and so easy to just keep chugging along your individual little track. Your post resonated even wider for me….we started DD without a particular ‘problem’…we were comfortable together, but everything was rather predicatable and self directed. We could each forge our own path. It was EASIER. Peter has always said to me he can rely on me to keep house and home together ‘because I do it so well ‘. Have to say that had begun to smack of taking the whole she-bag for granted…he wasn’t…and he doesn’t…but we had stopped thinking about the bigger picture, I suppose.

    Not had a before work spanking myself and don’t hanker after one…it’s hard enough trying to walk out of the door not feeling 103 years old ! Normally Peter is out of the door at 6 so I think I am safe. But we shall see.. Sarah,LD,UK

  18. Saoirse, oh baby, is it “easier to write about than to live”! But I still like reading about it, and your two stories were excellent. I’ll be looking for your next one!

    Thank you June, your comment about my dignity means a lot to me. “It is what I signed up for, it is what I asked for.” Yep, although some days I think I must have been out of my mind at the time!

    Julie, thank you for delurking and welcome!

    Aww, thanks Zoe! Yes, we’re very ok, much better than that, actually. I think this is just something we needed to go through to get us back on track.

    Sarah, let’s just say that pre-work spankings are something I hope won’t be repeated!!!!

  19. It’s oddly comforting to know that it can be this raw after 8 years. I’m sorry you are going through it though! It’s comforting to me to remember that the big picture keeps changing, external circumstances mess with our relationships and in those moments finding balance again, staying open and honest and well…just being you…its all pretty challenging. Thanks for telling us about the hard stuff Sara.

  20. It sounds like Grant is aggressively reestablishing and redefining your arrangement, which is not a bad thing, but let’s just say it ain’t as tidy as it once was.

    I promise I won’t always remind you of things you once said, but I recall just before all the health crises took over that you and he had reached a sort of plateau in ttwd. I’m too lazy to go look it up, but the impression I remember is that you felt had gone as far as you could with ttwd. And then all hell broke loose, and the recovery process of those crises is propelling you upward.

    Things are harder, things are better.

  21. Susie, you and Stormy seem to be “oddly comforted”… :) And actually I DO understand that! Life, marriage, nor DD is ever going to be perfected, and that means we can all allow a sigh of relief when we are not all that we wish we were. Me included!

    Mick, I am pretty sure I never said I had gone as far as I could go, because I have ALWAYS known we would never stop growing. But I do remember saying things had become too easy, boring, all rather status quo. “Things are harder, things are better.” Yes they are, and as long as the better always follows the harder, I’ll get through. Thanks for reminding me!

  22. Sara,

    That’s one of the things I love about your posts, the honestly, good or bad you tell it how it is.

    Sorry but I had to laugh – he spanked you before you left for work. Priceless.

    Love,
    Ronnie
    xx

  23. Ronnie, I am sure one day I’ll be able to laugh about it too! :shock:

    Mick, I just couldn’t leave it out there that I ever thought I was done with growing. I might be self-absorbed, but never pompous! ;)

  24. Sara, sorry I am a bit late to this. Thank you for sharing this and for your honesty and for sharing the hard stuff with us. I’m sorry you went through this. It can be so damn messy at times can’t it?

    I imagine it must be so confusing and difficult when work conflicts spill over and become a relationship issue.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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