This is where Domestic Discipline gets dicey, where real life and real marriage, can sometimes be anything but pretty.
Spanking number two was ridiculous. I was already a little befuddled because he had spanked me over a broken faucet, which then somehow turned into a change in our ‘DD Deal’, our terms of engagement. The terms are loose, flowing. We’ve never had (or wanted) a “DD Contract” per se. We talk and grow and change. And I guess sometimes we change and then we talk? We have a non written but well and often discussed DD agreement.
I actually don’t hold it against him that he spanked and then talked. Ok, so he could have told me first, but I accepted the spanking with some attempt towards graceful (after I argued, of course). And after thinking about it, I agree he has a real point. I am not a child. I do know what he wants. And he doesn’t ask me to do things unless he does really want me to do them, unless it’s important to him. He doesn’t micro-manage. He’s always said he’d rather have my cooperation than my obedience, although he’ll take my obedience if it’s all he can get. Meaning, if I agree, if I accept and follow, it makes things nicer for us. If I have an issue, he’ll usually hear me out, sometimes even change his position. However, If it’s important to his way of thinking and he puts his foot down, if he demands my obedience, he’ll get it…eventually, one way or the other. He’d rather not have to demand my compliance. I understand, and would rather not be ordered around either. If you’re going to agree to dance, it’s nicer and considerably more pleasant to be able to dance gracefully than to be dragged around the dance floor!
But this event, spanking number two was a doozy, and it came not a week after a spanking over a broken faucet, and frankly I was completely furious! This was a big bad OTK spanking AGAIN, that he AGAIN dragged me into (not literally but mentally). In fact, he caught me quietly leaving for work at about 7 am and insisted he spank me right then and there. He just NEVER ever spanks me in the morning before work! I was dressed, heels, coat on, travel mug in hand…and had to go back into the bedroom for a spanking! Talk about a brain twist! Sigh….
And he was WRONG! I was totally sure in my mind that he was wrong. We keep work and home separate or our marriage gets too confusing. And I must keep my role as work boss and my role as submissive wife separate or all sorts of confusion and chaos results. He doesn’t interfere with my work…ever. This is a hardline for me. He agrees. But we both get tripped up at times by the space between who we are out in the world and our marriage dynamic. I’ve been feeling for a while that he resented my time at work, my busy schedule, my focus on other things. He says it is not at all true, but two careers puts a strain on a marriage and I think right now we are a bit out of sync with our life stages. We’re dealing with the timing of things like work and retirement and the transitions between the two. Kids moving out, moving away, getting married, menopause….This is truly not easy stuff.
I followed him back into the bedroom. I don’t say no. Yes is yes, and DD can’t be a seesaw of ongoing decision-making. You consent or you don’t. And I feel it’s a matter of honor, of keeping my word. Discipline and punishment is 100% his decision. But that does not mean I won’t disagree or argue, and at times tell him how completely wrong and misguided and unfair he was!
I did argue my way all the way though this one, sometimes with words. Thoughts I dared not say out loud and total internal resistance took over. Of course he knew that, could read me…which is perhaps what made it such a terrible spanking. BUT…I won’t lie and pretend submission when I think he’s being a … well, you get the idea. I felt misunderstood, disrespected, unfairly doubted. And I could not wrap my mind around him doing this to me, treating me so poorly. In the moment that is exactly how it felt. It was all a terrible mistake and he just would or could not hear me. And he just kept spanking!
The spanking was awful. I was a little bruised (which has not happened in years) and sobbing by the end. When he finally let me up, I pulled my winter white designer slacks up from around my ankles, flung out, “I f’ing HATE you!” and locked myself in the bathroom. Um, yeah. It was not my best moment. :(
I always tell the truth here, and yes, it actually went down like that. And, he did not come after me. I cried into a towel for a bit, collected myself, grabbed some under eye cover up out of my make-up kit which I simply threw in my coat pocket, and got out of Dodge. I managed to leave for work without seeing him again. Can I say this was one time I was thankful for very my chilly leather car seats in the wintertime? That night I had an after-work appointment and the anger between us lived on. He went out too. Nothing was resolved. We were barely speaking the next day. On rare occasion, a spanking does not cure-all. When there are underlying issues a spanking is just a spanking. We argued some through text and were distant and polite in person. He was still angry too, and I told him that was unfair. He doesn’t get to punish me and stay angry.
I began a new post. As a way to process, to work my way through my anger and back towards my erring husband who I do love even when he’s wrong, I began to finally write a response to Saoirse’s series of posts that begins with: “When The HoH is Wrong” . I somehow hoped to work out my anger and resentment and come to terms with the fact that our HOH’s are not always right or perfect. And they are not. Half of that post was written. It’s now been deleted. I’ll get to it, but again, sometimes in the midst of being sure he’s wrong…just sometimes mind you, he’s not. It took me a while to figure out all the things he had not said but could have, or what I had not heard. It took me some time to read between the lines and figure out what had happened.
This time it was complicated because it had to do with his work and my work and mixing that up and a basic lack of communication. I don’t even think I can explain it all in a way that would make sense, but he thought I had not told him something in a timely manner and I felt I had waited until we had time and I was of a mind to talk. Because it was a work issue, because it related to and involved my work, I judged that it could wait. He feels because it also involves his business interests, his work, that I should have contacted him immediately, and in not doing so, he believed I withheld from him. We still disagree to this day about the details and facts, and when and where work spilled over into a relationship issue.
What I do understand now that I did not then was the current of disconnects and disregard between us that made the facts look so different to each of us from where we stood, which was far apart. There are times when a faucet is not just a faucet and an action or lack there-of carries weight and meaning far beyond the apparent facts of the case. Grant was all about my not including him in a decision, where I was all about the choices being mine to make, as they were work related. The real issue is that we were apart in many more substantial ways. Our power exchange was interrupted and off kilter, and this happened to be the incident that the issue was being played out around.
I think, now, in retrospect, the real issues are that I was/am post-surgery recovery from last year and immersed in work. Grant also went through a time when he was unable to be actively engaged. Our DD dynamic is just getting back on its feet. I am not driving it and not even focused on it (or wasn’t) and was feeling pretty comfortable that way. Grant made sure I was very uncomfortable sitting for the next day or so which certainly fueled my anger, but yes, also shook me up and got me thinking. Mostly I was thinking awful things about him, but at least I WAS thinking about him, and about us, which in truth, I guess I had not been for a while. Not with the same focus I and he were used to, pre-illness.
It’s very comfortable to just do your own thing. It’s easier. We were getting along, going on dates. I was working hard on myself…my health, and at work. It’s easier to not always be asking yourself “What would my husband think?” However, it does not make for the most integrated or connected marriage. It’s not good for intimacy. But…it’s easy.
I think Grant’s decision and message is we’re done with recovery and done with easy.
Spanking number three happened just 2 days later. OMG…the man was on a roll! And, having not figured things out yet, I was flummoxed, shocked, and could NOT believe he was in the WRONG again!
But…I’ll save part three for next time.