I’ve been trying to figure out what to say here for weeks. I’m busy…super busy. My various business interests and projects have taken off in a big way. I’m beginning to feel like this big deal business woman who gets spanked at home…and that’s kind of weird, ya know?
In between that I am trying to be available to my kids, excercise, see doctors for follow-ups…on and on.
And then, yes, then, after all that, there is Grant, our marriage. I am clueless, or at least I was. I think I’d better post a disclaimer. After almost 28 years of married life and 8 years of Domestic Discipline I have no idea what I am doing. I’m starting over, still figuring it out, just like you, my friends.
Some of that is the major things we’ve been through, illness and life transitions, a break from discipline in our lives, and then a regrouping that has and is slowly taking place. BUT…things are different now. And how could they not be right? I mean, I am different. We are different. Our needs and views are slightly altered and we are readjusting everything. One would think, once you get your lives set, your marriage on an even keel, your DD organized and humming along that the work is done. I heard somewhere that this is when you get to live happily ever after. Right? I am sure the many women who have gone before said so:
Disney lies folks! There IS no happily ever after. But, there is happy, and there is ever after, and there is a meeting of the two when you work really hard and in my case submit to more punishment spankings that any 55 year old woman should have to! I’m on a roll, apparently!
Or maybe Grants on a roll? Things have changed. Our dynamic has changed. It’s hard to describe the shift, but clearly Grant is now the keeper of TTWD…our DD. I no longer watch, worry (except when there’s a familiar sharp gleam in his eye or, perish the thought, a paddle in his hand). I don’t buy implements, I don’t give it a 2nd thought if he doesn’t catch me at something he might, and I don’t think I have asked for a spanking in…well I don’t remember when. If you know me through my writings, you know that I brought DD to my husband, and in many ways needed it so desperately, that I, like so many of you, worried about whether he was on board, read him suggestions, brought in new ideas and implements, suffered angst if he didn’t punish me. Now…eh, not so much.
The new Sara needs DD as much as the old one, but she’s way less interested in having her butt roasted and is less on board with giving up her newly found and enjoyed autonomy. This I have just realized. I’m a stubborn women and it took 3 spankings, none of which I was in full agreements with… at the time. And yes I told him exactly how wrong he was too! When has anyone ever known me to keep my mouth shut? I would almost feel sorry for him, except that my man needs a strong woman like me. We’re a good if fiery match.
I do know that I feel safer than I did several weeks ago. I do realize that whatever he is doing is working for not only him (he’s pretty pleased with this new arrangement, btw) but it’s working for me and thus for us. That doesn’t mean I “like” it, if you know what I mean. But I will admit I need it.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking; at least I have since the 3rd hard spanking in 10 days which was now 3 days ago. I’ve realized that I have stepped away from the intimacy that we’d had and shared and built through DD, our agreement that he would lead and I would follow. That agreement allowed us to be closer than any other arrangement we’d tried in the previous 20 years. We came to function like a couple in a 3 legged race. Yes, we were bound, but being bound can set you free. It’s one of the ironies of life. And as Janis Joplin penned: “Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose”.
At first the distance came from illness and a true need for Grant to step back and support, and for me to focus inward and heel. That healing took a very long time, and I am still dealing with small bits of it. And then Grant was ill next. And now that we’re both back, well, I had not even realized it, but I am very used to doing my own thing, in my own ways. And…I like it! It’s easy. It’s all about me. I still love my husband, love being with him, love the good times, but being bound, restricted, told what to do…having rules that don’t suit me. Well I had truly not given it much thought, but you know what? It’s hard to get back in the swing of things. It’s hard to accept rules that seem stupid less than important to me. It’s hard to step to the right when he says to step to the left just because it’s his call to make. Sigh…
I know you all want details. They’re coming. Even though some of them are frankly embarrassing for me to tell, they’re also about new things, changes, and it’s important, seeing and learning that DD can and will change as we can and will change. I guess for the rest of our lives! Who knew?