I enjoy collecting sea glass, and one of my favorite places to be is at the beach, basically any beach. Warm is better. No crowds required. Here’s some of our finds from this trip:
I don’t think I mentioned here that we were taking a trip, but in early January we were lucky enough to be able to gather all of our children, the new fiancé included, and take a week on a warm tropical beach. With grown up children who have jobs, two still in college and our own work…well finding a whole week together is a gift. With much planning, negotiation, and not a bit of angst, we somehow made it happen.
It was a really special time. We’ve not been through the process of bringing a new family member into the fold. It’s a bit complicated, isn’t it? It turned out to be a wonderful week, one of fun and relaxation and bonding. Friendships were deepened between our children and our son’s intended, and Grant and I began to wrap our minds around the idea that we will soon have 4 children. We so want it to be like that. We have our fair share of typical dysfunctions, yet our family is close and we want to bring our son’s chosen in, to accept her and come to love her. After a week with the kids, they flew back home and we flew to Florida for two weeks alone. It was so needed; a very restorative and relaxing time to reconnect and enjoy. And, YES, my new hormone treatment is making a difference…the zing is reappearing. I’m not 100%, but I feel more like myself than I have in a year!
So, we’re back from an amazing 3 week vacation, back from our hiatus from DD, and back to ourselves. I think we will be continuing to develop a new version if us as a couple, a bit tweaked, but we have the past years to rely on as a basis. We know how to ride the bike, and that helps a lot.
A few things that have surprised me (so far) as we rev up DD:
Grant is a bit hesitant to push his authority as I am to accept it. Not that he’s very hesitant or I am very resistant, but we’re clearly out of practice and we’ve been catching ourselves in small things, moments of indecision on BOTH our parts. Muscles that don’t get used do get soft!Once Grant found his place as the HOH years back, he was pretty set in his ways and comfortable. Now, he’s working up to what will be right for us now….who we’ve become almost 8 years later, since we first began DD.
The punishment we went through while away was pretty hard on both of us, emotionally. I was compliant enough, but truly, deep in my heart, if he had changed his mind…and he seemed (to me) to be possibly wavering right before he started, I would have been fine with that. And that’s different as well. I think I am less interested, or needy (?) in terms of knowing I’ll be punished if necessary, and maybe part of me is kind of a tiny bit surprised that women in their mid-fifties, a woman whose son is getting married, a woman who will be a grandmother a few years out, a woman like me, is still is still going to get spanked!
You see, he seemed to be wavering, once I got there. He demanded I go right in the bedroom and take my pants off. He followed me in 2 minutes, sat on a chair and insisted I go over his lap. And then we just…well he had me lay there, his hand on my bottom, holding that blasted ebony hairbrush that I thought was a good idea years ago to buy on Ebay (WHAT was I thinking?) …and then nothing.
Finally he spoke. But it wasn’t scolding (yet) or anything about me really. His words were about him and us:
Grant: “I want you to understand that I really don’t want to do this.”
Sara: “Oh…well…ok.” “
Sara: “Um…so what do you want to do?”
“I really don’t want to hurt you. It hurts me to hurt you.”
“Have you changed your mind? We don’t have to do this.” (Little happy dance begins in my head)
Grant: “I’m still very upset with you.”
Sara: “I understand and I’m really sorry for what I did. It was awful.”
Grant: “I know you’re sorry.”
….and I’m still OTK. (Not the most comfortable position may I point out??)
Sara; “Do you want to not do DD anymore, or for now, not have punishments? Is that what you are saying?”
Grant: “Oh absolutely not! You’re getting punished and I’m still very angry with you! I just wanted to let you know I wish I didn’t have to.
Sara: “Yah…well me too!”
So close to escape…and yet…not. But it was interesting that he had to take time to work himself up to a true punishment. As much as my husband enjoys spanking me, and he truly does, punishments are still hard. I’m kind of glad too. They shouldn’t be easy for eihter of us. I’m not sure how I would have felt if he had backed out. In the past I know I would have been, strangely disappointed. I think at this time in my life, where I am with TTWD, which is different from it was several years ago, I would have been simply relieved.
But, would it have been the beginning of the slide down that slippery slope of disrespect, of knowing that at the end of the day, I do what I do and consequences are not going to be a part of our marriage, at least not the kind he’s in charge of, which at the end of the day means he wouldn’t really be in charge of me or us? It looks like I won’t have the chance to find out…but I expect that is exactly what would unfortunately happen, should he allow it. Where a vacuum of authority exists, something or someone will rush to fill it.
So that’s where we are…rebuilding what we have, this thing we do.
A funny side note, as we cuddled in bed after the spanking, I asked him why he never removed my panties. He looked surprised for a moment. He never leaves them on for a punishment! He softly chuckled and said:
Grant: “You know, I was so aggravated with you I simply forgot!”
Sara: “Hmmm, works for me!”
Grant: Swat, “Brat!”