I think, and have thought, that a big part of staying married is deciding to stay married. It’s amazing today, how many married people, deep down, have not made that decision. I know in the early years, when I was much younger, that deep down in my heart of hearts I did not know if I would really be with Grant forever. That presumption was so deep, it was a secret I kept even from myself. (Just like my interest in spanking and D/s was a secret I kept from myself too.)
After all, 50% of married couples do divorce. We have been brought up in a time where it is the norm, an expectation, and “not the end of the world” if a couple splits. And, it’s not the end of the world, but it’s not what I want. Instead I want and I need to work to make my life better with this man, my husband. I don’t think there’s another man out there who would make me happier, make my life better. There are times and situations where couples need to divorce, where there is emotional or physical abuse, where there is no hope of reconciling differences or ever being happy. But, I think most people give up too easily and too soon.
There are also many couples who choose to stay together “for the sake of the kids”, “because we don’t believe in divorce”, but they give up on the marriage, on each other, on expecting happiness or fulfillment from their marriage. I’m just not willing to do that either.
Our days are not up and down, our hours are. Yesterday we had words in the morning, then we recovered and had a pleasant antiqueing trip. He bought me a water ice. It was nice. On the car ride home we began talking and he said something that spoke to the space between us that left me feeling upset. I went quiet. But when we got home I brought it up, and it started again…words, misunderstandings, raised voices, hurt. It was a rough day, but we are fighting the fight, slogging through our issues…little by little, hour by hour.
Last night, lying in bed holding hands (physical contact is still pretty limited with my partially healed body) Grant said… “You know, we are both too stubborn, too smart, too demanding of ourselves and each other. We need to start over. I will never forgive myself for how I hurt you, but I am willing to spend years trying to make it up to you. My question is can you forgive me enough to go forward?”
I am trying sooo hard not to be angry, to let it all go. I said reassuring things, told him I love him and I always will. I also know this is one reason why I need to be in therapy. I am hurt, but maybe not all my hurt is Grant’s ‘fault’? Some surely is because of things he did and said, but some of the hurt and vulnerability is my body being hurt, some my circumstances, past and present…loss of all my original family, my kids moving on, menopause. Maybe there are things I am not even aware of yet that are pulling me down as well.
In some ways I feel embarrassed to come here to this place where I know so many rely on me for advice and “wisdom”, and feel ashamed to admit that I am feeling lost, that we are lost. I’d like to keep it pretty and happy for you, but I just can’t. Since my 1st post, almost 5 years ago now, the one thing I set out to do here on “Finding Sara” was to be real, give a real life and honest account of living a life with Domestic Discipline. Grant and Sara are not the Ken and Barbie of Dd…we’re real people with frailties and problems and weaknesses. We’re human. It’s not always neat or pretty. Our marriage reflects our human flaws, and Domestic discipline is not a panacea. Dd is a lifestyle choice that works well for certain couples to help organize the couple’s roles, and it’s a tool that can enhance a marriage. The marriage fundamentally is what it is, underneath all that. And the partners in the marriage are who they are too…real people, in a real marriage, living real lives.