If all of the strength
And all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
Full of grace
Full of grace
I’m struggling with forgiveness. I’m trying to find more humility. And yes, I think that might be called grace. I’ve not felt very graceful recently on so many levels.
These past months have been difficult, and the complexities of the multiple things that have come between Grant and I have seemed daunting in recent weeks. The last few days have been better. He’s trying hard, doing all the right things. Today he said “It’s over. We’ve both hurt each other, and we need to just move on, go forward.” Is it that simple? Yes and no.
I awoke feeling sad with thoughts about the space between us. I’ve been hurt, and it hurts to feel that rift there. I also know that regardless of my feelings, any anger or hurt, it seems up to me to find a way back to him. Why do I say that? Because in some ways I think women are the emotional gate keepers in a marriage. Grant leads us, but I have control over the emotional tone of our marriage. When it comes to affairs of the heart, only when I find a way to put down my walls, forgive or ask forgiveness, surrender, can things start to go right between us. And I so want them to be right, to be back to ‘us’.
Grant also said yesterday that I have changed and that he feels he has to get to know the new me. I’m not even sure I know what that means, how I’ve changed. He said “These months have changed you. You’ve been through so much, and seem a bit different somehow.” Time will tell. I am still healing and sorting. I guess we can’t possibly stay exactly the same for decades, can we? Maybe I am not the girl he married, and maybe I am not the woman I was 5 months ago. I hope I will be a better more mature version of myself.
When it comes to discord, sometimes issues need to be sorted and points made, but sometimes right and wrong hardly matters. What matters is that our connection is solid, and when he’s finally ready, (I say finally, because he has not been) only I can decide to allow that. Even if it happens to be Grant who broke that connection, or caused it to break, (which is totally my perspective. I know his is different) the reconnect is my call. I guess in some ways it’s very like deciding to submit. He can’t force my submission; I have to freely give it. He also can’t force my forgiveness, my open heart, or my open arms. Those are all mine to give.
Sometimes it feels so unfair. I don’t want to carry that burden. I also don’t want to let go of my hurt. “He broke it…let him fix it!” I feel justified. Sometimes it’s hard to put down my pride and my anger and make the decision to rise above, to be better, kinder than that. Can I love him enough to just push the trash aside and welcome him back to me?
But then…it comes down to grace doesn’t it? The words of the song speak to me because it’s true that with enough strength and enough courage I believe I can find the grace. I just have to…
“I know I could love you much better than this.”
I’m working on finding grace.