Landslide

I took my love and I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
‘Till Landslide brought me down

Oh mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

How to explain where I’ve been? I’ve been grieving, mourning, knitting, cooking, working, loving my children and holding on to my husband, and trying to handle the seasons of my life. It’s not been with much grace recently. There has been too much anxiety, tears and fears and trying to let go and move on from what I desperately wish I could hold onto.

It began with a dear friend having a massive heart attack, then another facing early blindness. I have been called upon to change plans, cancel vacations, cover long hours at work.  Then the friend who is recovering from the heart attack was diagnosed with kidney cancer. Ironically the heart attack may just save his life. He has talked to me about planning a “funeral party”. We’d all dress in black, listen to the music he chooses, tell stories and jokes about him, and celebrate his life while he is there to enjoy it with us. Really? Perhaps it is not just me; maybe we have all lost our minds.

My children are pulling away and heading into their lives. ..As they should. Our oldest is making plans to marry. He and his girlfriend are moving in together in about 6 weeks. They are not yet formally engaged, will wait for that, but there are discussions between them, with both sets of parents, with us. She’s a sweetheart and good for him, but they seem so young, and I am not ready. Yes, it is all about me!

Our daughter is busy, finding her path, intentionally making space between her and me…to help her feel more grown up. I am trying very hard to give her that space but I miss her tremendously.

Our y0ungest son is working hard to be accepted into a professional program in England that would be fabulous for him. The last piece will be his interview next week. It could open doors to educational opportunities in New York or Los Angeles or in Europe…he’s on his way. I am so excited for him, and yet know already that the letting go will mean I live with a deep ache for a long time. When the time comes I’ll smile and push him out the door, and then, when he’s gone, I will cry. I’ve done it before when the others left for college. They came back. I’m not so sure about this one. His life may take him to wonderful faraway places.

And me…because it is all about me…right? I’ve been so tired, pretty down, fighting to get through my very busy work days. I thought I was bordering on depression, and maybe some of it is that, but I’ve had other physical symptoms for a time that finally became impossible to live with. I’ve seen Dr’s and it turns out I have a benign tumor, and am now scheduled for surgical consults and preparing for a hysterectomy. It is indeed the end of a season of my life. I don’t know exactly why that hurts so much, but it does. It’s about letting go, facing changes. The seasons of my life are passing.

We can’t go home again. My home will never be the same. I have no parents, no siblings, and now my children are moving on into their adulthood. And how ironic is it that I am losing my womb?

So many of you have written and I’ve not been very responsive. I’m sorry. I was not ready to write it all out, to spread my woes all over the internet. There’s enough of that out there already! And I’ve felt fragile.

Grant has been a rock. He’s really busy. He’s working and teaching, still doing his Master’s Degree and holding on to me all at the same time. One night in bed I asked him “Please don’t let me drift away.” He pulled me to him tightly and said “Relax! You’re not going anywhere!”

Thank God for strong husbands! And no, I am not going anywhere.

45 thoughts on “Landslide

  1. Dear Sara, how I appreciate you. You said it’s all about you, and I suppose it’s good to take responsibilities for your own feelings. But so much of your pain comes from a heart full of love for those around you. Truly a bittersweet thing.

    Personally, I’ve never seen the life transitions you describe go smoothly. It’s always a bit messy and emotional, but as long as you come through it intact–and you will, then you’ve been successful. There would be something wrong if you said you were perfectly happy without a care in the world as your children go out to make their place in it. Only a shallow person could say that.

    Regarding the hardship of your friends, there are not enough people like you who feel pain when their friends hurt. Who wouldn’t want to have a friend like you when they’re in trouble?

    I’m so glad you’re going to get the help you need to feel better. I’ve known many precious women who had hysterectomies and they didn’t lose one iota of their maternal love, much less their femininity. In fact, many of them are sexier than they ever were, especially since they felt so much better.

    Thank you for letting us know how you are.I’m looking forward to happier days for you.

    Mick

  2. I am so sorry for what you are going through, Sara.

    Sending positive thoughts and well wishes your way. I have no wisdom here, and understand what you are going through only to a degree and fear for myself the other things that you are experiencing that I know are to come.

    And, of course, you know that the online community is always here, regardless of how much time you are away.

    sarah

  3. Positive thoughts are on their way. Just another phase of life – we all go through it at one time or another. Not always easy to accept at first but when we look back we realize it’s opened other doors we never saw. Good luck on your journey.

  4. I wondered where you had gone – you hinted about grief but didn’t say what. I feel for you but I don’t know what I can say to comfort you, except that there will be an end to the grief. You will adjust your expectations, accept what can’t be changed, and it won’t be grief any more.

    Hug.

    Joanna

  5. Wow Sara, that sounds like way too much imo! I’m happy Grant has you in his arms. For we spankettes with anxiety/control issues, I thought there were supposed to be permanent special silver-cloud-lining contact lenses installed once your youngest graduates from high school! Congratulations on the kid’s independence. For all the tough things: you are stronger than you could ever realize and we, here, have faith in you! Thanks for sharing your life with us.

  6. Mick, thank you for all your support and ongoing words of wisdom. I am hoping to feel back to myself after, maybe even better. I am sure not feeling very ‘sexy’ right now! I know it will pass.

    Sarah, our online community is phenomenal. I am so grateful for all of you!

    Very true Sunny Girl, and I DO know that doors are opening. I need to spend more time looking forward.

    Joanna, that sounded reminiscent of the Serenity Prayer, good advice!

    KayLynn, “spankettes with anxiety/control issues” …sounds like I’m in the right line! Love the new title!

  7. Your post hit me. Yes, this is a difficult time in life, and can leave one feeling alone. I’m going through it as well, it’s the age. The thing I find the most consolation in is that, while Dave and I have seen many couples we know in our age bracket splitting up over the past couple of years, we have found a way to bond further, to get closer. We have made a decision to not drift away from one another but to hold on tighter. I am thankful for finding ttwd. I am less afraid of the changes going on around me that I cannot control. I’m less fearful of losing ‘us’ while I feel like I’m losing so many other things. The things in life that try us the most are the things that strengthen us the most in the end. When we taste of the difficult, or sour times, in our lives, the good times, better times in life taste that much sweeter. Look for the sweeter days, Sara, they will be where you least expect them, and make you forget the sour days.
    It is good that you have somthing, someone, so strong to hold onto, who holds you and will not let you go. You are a blessed woman.

  8. Thank goodness indeed ! I’m still at the running here, there and everywhere stage . I feel I give neither work nor home my full attention.But in quieter moments I know I’ll have to wrap my head round similar issues in the years to come.Thank you for being so candid.I’ve missed you and will perhaps contribute to the ‘What kind of hat do I wear to the wedding ?’ discussion.Hope your baby is an Anthony Sher in the making.Now THAT’s worth hanging around for. Sarah,LD,UK

  9. Sara,
    I’m guessing that anybody who has read here for even a short time can see the care you give to all around you, including those of us in this big bad internet. To think that you would get through so many hard transitions with family and friends without grieving, mourning (and of course knitting :) ) would be to stand outside yourself and none of us out here would begin to believe you! You kid, but it’s perfectly okay that it’s all about you for a time. I truly hope that the surgery helps you to physically feel better and having watched others go through it, I know that it truly is a season of transition which deserves time and careful attention. Hold on to G and know that none of us who care are going anywhere either.

  10. Dear Sara
    First off I have really missed your postings! Now as for the surgery,its not that bad I had it at age 36. And guess what I’m just as sexual and mothering as I was then , I am now 60 yrs old , yes as sexual as I was before the surgery!!
    You’ll be just fine,give yourself a little time to recover and watch out!
    As for your kids, hummmm they all come back and the time you were alone will pass in a flash,enjoy your husband!

    Annie

  11. I am sorry for all your going through. You are a strong women Sara and with Grant holding on you will get through your seasons of changes.

    Thanks for letting us in Sara I’ve missed you.

    Sending big hugs, love and well wishes,
    Ronnie
    xx

  12. Jacquie, “look for the sweeter days” is good advice and I do indeed try to savor those days and even those moments. I too know I am very fortunate to have a heathy intact marriage, aman to cling to, one who holds me tightly. That makes all the difference!

    Sarah, we do all indeed go through these transitions, if we’re very lucky. My son has chosen a lovely girl and although our family is changing, and will be change forever, there will be new people to love and laugh with, perhaps even new babies to look forward to one day. Hats huh?

    Susie, your support and understanding means so much. Thank you!

    Annie, I am looking forward to being past all this discomfort and physical yuckiness and onto better times. Sexy again? I’m hoping!

    Thanks Ronnie. I’ve missed you too!

  13. Dear Sara, I haven’t any words of wisdom but I can pray! I will pray for you, Grant, and your family. I also will praise God for sending you Grant – knowing he will not let you drift away.
    Hugs and Prayers, Lucy

  14. I have bee thinking about you, and wondering. Thanks for sharing, getting older is not fun, but you will find some things get better. Hang in there and hang on to Grant. hugs abby

  15. Like all those who have posted above, I’ve missed you here. Thank you for sharing your life with us. It allows us to help support you as you carry these burdens. You aren’t alone! Thankfully, you have Grant by your side, and there are many of us out here pulling for you!
    Many hugs, prayers, and warm wishes.
    D.

  16. Sara,
    I looked all over for this quote because it reminded me of you.
    “The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
    byElizabeth Kubler Ros
    You are a beautiful person. I will be praying for you.
    -Blondie

  17. I’m so sorry for all you’re going through just now Sara. Life is just so difficult to get through sometimes. I’m sure you’ll get through this with support around you and of course from your very own strong man Grant. Thinking about you.

    Dee x

  18. Dear Sara, I am sorry that you have been going through so much. Your presence has been missed. Letting go can be so hard but you know Grant will keep you from drifting away.

    I had a hysterectomy just over a year ago. It is a time of transition but you will feel so much better afterwards that for me it made whatever loss I was feeling so worth it.

    It is so good to have you back.
    All the best, Zoe

  19. Thank you so much Lucy!

    I am thinking there will be many rewards after this bump, Abby, and I’m looking forward to them.

    D the outpouring of support here means a great deal to me. Thank you!

    That was beautiful Blondie, thank you for sharing wise words.

    Zoe, it is nice to hear from someone who’s on the other side. I am counting on experiencing the benefits!

  20. Love, love, love that song! It always gets me in touch with myself and some deep feelings.
    Remember the next words after what you wrote too- “Time makes you bolder” and though these words are not in the song, *experiences make you stronger*.
    And *of course* it’s *all about you* when you when your write a post and share your feelings. That’s what blogs are for!
    I, for one would not have been able to handle so many changes in my life without you sharing “all about you” here on Finding Sara. So thank you for that – so much! More reference material here today.
    I know that some of what you’re going through, I will go through too. Kids getting more independent and moving on. Tough stuff, even when you’re simultaneously thrilled for them.
    I’m so sorry for what you’re friend is going through. I don’t blame them for the party idea. Otherwise they ever know the wonderful things people would say after they are gone? It could really lift their spirit , which surely they need at such a difficult time.
    As for your surgery, I’m with Mick. I’ve had people close to me say that it isn’t so bad and once over and done- it was easy to move on and that the women felt so much better. But my empathy is there for you in a big way.
    (sending hugs)
    Hang on tight to that cowboy of yours, it makes *him* feel good ;-) and I know he’ll help you through this! You’re a lucky, lucky girl to have him. And he-you!

  21. Oh Sara, what a difficult time this is for you. I have missed you greatly! Thank you for taking the time and energy to post this. I can understand that you needed to wait until you felt strong enough to do so. I’ll be praying for your health, that the surgery and recovery goes well.
    It’s my youngest’s birthday today. He’s “only” 10, but to me, I can’t believe how fast those 10 years have flown by.
    I’m so glad that Grant is there for you, your rock, your safe place. Just think, how much different this time in your life would be if the two of you hadn’t started this journey. lots of love & (((hugs)))

  22. I think you are handling this difficult time of transition with more grace than you realize. You have a wisdom and centeredness in you, Sara, that shines through even as you write about feelings of helplessness, of fear, of grief. Perhaps it comes from outside of you, and it just works more strongly in you than in others. If you can locate the source of that strength, it may sustain you even more strongly. You’re in my thoughts.

  23. I am so happy for you. Really.

    You acknowledge . You befriend, grieve, cast off, embrace and square off for the “Good Fight ”
    God brings us over and over again to the things we have to face, and we choose to either face them, or turn away, and be brought back to them again !!!
    And, if God leads you to it, He’ll walk you thru it.
    Plus, you see what you HAVE here. I am so grateful for all that you have shown ME.
    Good eyes Sara, and a good heart.
    laur

  24. My heart is with you sara and Grant. I am sorry to hear all that you are going through, indeed it is the seasons of life changing and accepting that change is always hard….you are strong and have a wonderfully strong husband to hold you close as you both go through these changes.
    Thank you for sharing, I was wondering about you. Things will get better, there is always sunshine after the rain :)
    My thoughts and prayers are with you both
    love and hugs kiwi xxx

  25. Elysia, you always make me feel better for having shared the hard stuff. It helps!

    Grace, I can only imagine what this would all be like if I did not have my rock to cling to…and yes, I am so grateful we have taken this journey with TTWD…I think I would be adrift.

    Kevan, who knows where one’s strength comes from? A higher power? The people who helped make me who I am? The people who offer love and support? Maybe all of those things. I am not feeling particularly graceful these days, but that doesn’t keep me from trying.

    Aww thanks Laur. I think some part of faith is just accepting where you are, handling it the very best you can…believing things will be ok.

    Kiwi, every day I look out my window and see the sun I am reassured, and every day that we have rain (and we have lots where we live) I know the sun will come back out tomorrow.

  26. Sara,
    I also wanted to share with you about daughters. She may seem to be distancing herself and becoming independent but this phase doesn’t last long. The bright side is when they come back they no longer think you are dumb and the friendship is so much more when you are relating woman to woman vs woman to child. I can’t say this has been my experience with my son – he still thinks his parents don’t know anything but my oldest daughter has become my confidant and friend. Hang in there. Lucy

  27. Hang in there, Sara! These middle age years are a very challenging time, as I myself have been finding out. I’m glad that you have a good man to help you, as do I.

  28. Okay, that’s a load of emotional stuff you have there… I’ll meet you at the closest park with something liquid and soothing that we’ll keep in the paperbag to drink from. :-)

    Hugs,

  29. Sara, I rarely comment, but I truly appreciate your thoughts.

    I so totally understand the feelings of loss and concern about what comes next.

    I love the song and will try to answer it with another from the same album, which may explain better.

  30. Lucy, I know she is just going through her normal phases. I also know she will be back. This is a time in her life when she needs to stretch her wings and I have been encouraging her to do just that. But HERE…I can whine! ;)

    L, behind every sane woman stands a good man. I made that up…but I sure am thankful for my guy!

    Lori, I’m THERE girlfriend!

    dd, LOVE the song. Thank you!

    Thanks Susan, I miss you all too.

  31. Landslide was the song I tried to learn last spring in my voice lessons. Some weeks it was quite emotional to sing the lyrics about “time makes bolder; children get older; I’m getting older too” as I planned and went through a divorce after 25 years together. I had built my life around him, with little appreciatio for that from him. Anyway, I am way happier now.

    Have that ‘lifetime celebration’ with your friend. Wear any color, but do dress up to honor him. Play his favorite songs; sing a few touching ones together. End with Frank Sinatra’s “Thats Life” as an upbeat anthem to taking what life dishes out and “pick myself up and get back in the race”. I’ve been “shot down in May” and “back on top in June”. It does get better!

  32. I am happy to hear from you, and so sorry you are suffering with this “change of seasons”. Life is just hard and painful sometimes, and I agree with all those who remind you that you are an example of grace for your readers and friends. You make a difference in the world for a lot of folks.

    Sending prayers and good thoughts your way.

  33. Sara, I’ve wondered where you’ve been! I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this (especially with your friends and your upcoming surgery). Change is a necessary part of life, but that doesn’t make it any easier, does it? It sounds like you have a wonderful family with a supportive husband and three very independent children who are making their way in the world quite nicely. You must be so proud of them. And you’ll move on and you’ll flourish because that’s just the kind of strong and resilient person you are.

    I also wanted to add that I can identify with you on your feelings where your youngest child is concerned. When my eldest daughter went away to college, I was emotional. When my second daughter followed suit, it wasn’t nearly as bad because I had experienced the grief before. I have a feeling with the youngest daughter (who is 13 and wants to attend school on the other coast), I’ll be a basket case! There’s something final about the youngest leaving home. It will at last signify that a new phase of my life is ready to begin. No more tying stubborn shoe strings, playing Barbies, reading bedtime stories, baking Valentine’s cookies or helping with homework. I’m not looking forward to that … and yet in some ways I am because I’m anxious to see where my children’s futures will take them. Still, I have a few years left before that happens and I plan to focus on the now.

    Hang in there! We’ll all be okay. :-)

  34. Sarah,

    I am so sorry. Life is about moving through chapters, without the ability to go back and re-write or recapture.

    I am now going through a divorce, my husband suddenly decided he no longer wished to be married to me. My children are at the same stages as yours, and there is no going back to the time when I was so very important to them.

    It actually hit me the hardest when I had to sell my horse. I lost all my dogs, cats, bird, chickens, children, and my horse when I had to move out of the marital residence and the loss of my horse was the final straw. I was bereft with nothing left of the Cindy I used to be and a yawning eternity of hours in front of me.

    I have met a wonderful man who has assumed the duties of my Master and I have that caring concern that you spoke of again. He also promises to not let me “disappear” as I feel it was inevitble that the shell of me was all that was left. After 22 years with my husband, almost half my life, all that we had done together, I . I am a legal secretary, not a simpering susie, but in depths of loss, it is wonderful to have that anchor.

    Take care of yourself, but also, let Grant take care of you for now.

    Cindy

  35. Oh dear. I am so sorry for what you are going through…have been going through. Life goes on; it changes, there are always challenges, griefs and joys, but it doesn’t make it ONE bit easier to know that, does it? Bless you as you get through this latest round of curve balls…. Life is the only game with no defined instructions for how to play! xxxxxxxxxx

  36. Landslide is one of my favorite songs. Change is so hard. I hope you and your family transition with things as smoothly as possible.

  37. A-non, I am glad you’re happier now! yep, I will indeed be there for my friend in whatever way he asks me to.

    Well thanks Vanessa. My mom used to tell me I could trip into a room more gracefully than anyone she ever knew. I guess I’ve been stumbling with grace for a very long time! :)

    Elena, on my better days I know that staying in the here and now and enjoying what I do have is the only way to live life. And yes, I am indeed blessed!

    Cindy, I am so very sorry to hear about all your loss. As a horse and animal lover, I can understand how real a loss you have been through…(never mind the husband! ;) ) I am glad to hear you are finding your balance. I’m getting there too!

    Thanks for your ongoing support daisy!

    Landslide is one of my favorite songs too Lea. We’ll be fine!

  38. Your lovely background of forsythia touched me. Spring has always been my favourite time of year. A season of renewal, rebirth, and new beginnings. Your life is changing, turning corners, and evolving into something new.

    Hugs,
    Hermione

  39. Hi Sara,

    I’m the Anastasia who emailed you saying that I loved your blog and asked advice about starting one of my own. I kept checking your blog for the past month wondering what happened and if you were coming back. I was so glad to see a post from you but saddened to hear of your difficult time. I agree with everyone else who says that you deserve time for it to be all about you. I hope that you can get support and strength during this time…and that you can be gentle with yourself. Let others care for you the way you care for them.

    Gentle hugs.

  40. Dear Sara,
    Thank you for taking the time to share this with us. I was starting to worry about you and your family and I really missed you.. I know what you are going through because I am going through/have gone through parts of it myself. I think the worst thing about this phase of life is that it reminds of of our own mortality and that nothing is permanent. Are we transitioning between the “it won’t happen to me” thinking of the younger set to the “It is inevitable that it will happen to me” of the older set? Yet we walk down the street and we don’t feel any older – so not fair!

    Though I have never been to a “living wake”, I have had to say goodbye to a friend or two when I know that will be the last time I will ever see them. It is really tough.

    Also, you said “we can’t go home again” but you ARE home. That house with you and Grant IS home. It is the solid home that you built that your kids will be returning to and that maybe someday grandkids will be romping in.

    An experience I had last summer made me realize that the house I lived in and the streets I played on as a child are really not my home. It is the house we raised our family in and the neighbourhood we walk in now that is truely my home.

    I know the post was about you but I just wanted to share this as a way to tell you that you are not alone. We in cyberworld are going through/have gone through/will go through the same/similar things and we are all here for you to listen when you want to speak and to share as our way of support and letting you know that you are not alone.

    We seem to walk along many of the same paths yet we are strangers. I wish you were a neighbour or friend so I could give you a hug. Right now it IS all about you and it is not easy but you will get through. You have a lot of love and support from Grant and your family and your cyber family. Hang in there!

    Take care,
    R.

  41. Hi again, Sara,
    I have been thinking about something and I hope you don’t mind.

    I bellieve you have mentioned your friend awhile ago as a friend and mentor in your field. You have also mentioned many times that you run your own business.

    Have you considered talking to him about something you could set up in his name, through your company, to honour him and make sure he is always remembered? Does he have a favourite cause he supports or something he would like to see done in his field or his community? Maybe you guys could work on setting up some annual fundraising event towards this? It might be therapeutic for you and something the two of you could share for many years if the outcome of his treatments is good. In the worst case scenario it might be a wonderful way for him to know that he will always be remembered and that he will continue to do good in this world.

    Also, in my last comment I wanted to say I am also thinking about you and the upcoming surgery and wishing you a speedy recovery. Please keep us posted if you are up to it.

    Take care,
    R.

  42. Take good care of yourself, Sara. I wish I had some really wise words for you, but really, they are all in your heart. My thoughts are floating your way.
    Saoirse

  43. Wise words Hermione. Isn’t it just lovely when the forsythia bloom?

    Hi Ana. Thanks for checking back. I’m glad to hear you went ahead and joined our community!

    R, sometimes cyber hugs are as good and helpful as the real ones. Thank you!…and R, I am hoping my friend will lose a kidney and live to tell about it. I will consider your suggestion.

    Thank you Saoirse. I keep wanting to get over to read your blog. I’ve read nothing in over a month…I will get there!

    Thanks Jane!

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