Submission Exercises: What We Do

I wrote about Boot Camp before submission exercises because I wanted to set the tone of the choices we had to make, the things we sorted through, before we developed our own style of Dd. And what you get here is indeed TTWD – The Thing WE Do. This blog is about us, our marriage, our ups and downs, struggles and resolutions. I often share personal day-to-day feelings, worries, joys, and I write about Dd concepts. I rarely get into details or specifics of our Dd, but rather I talk about the dynamic. I do that for a reason. First, my husband does not want me to share what goes on between us, the specifics. He feels it is intimate, special, and should be kept private between us. The other less important reason is this blog was not started to instruct and was never intended to be a place for others to learn how to do Dd. I needed a place to write, to help me learn. We do what we do and I write for me.  When people began emailing me questions, as they started to do regularly, I tried to answer in general terms.  Finally, I did open an “Ask Us” Page because so many questions are variations on a theme and I felt it would save me and others time to just post the answers in an organized fashion, and thus provide a resource.

As regular readers will know, we began Dd after 20 years of marriage and were trying to put a failed marriage back together. We needed a fresh start, a clean outlook, and a new way of doing things. We agreed to begin a power exchange dynamic. We had no idea what that would end up looking like, but we began with the idea that we would both have a voice, be equal partners, and when we could not agree, he would make the final call. I think we started with one rule. Dd was my idea to start, but the rule was Grant’s rule that he asked me to agree to if he was going to buy in.  He said we would talk about everything else, but this one rule was non-negotiable. “Anything regarding safety, or the health and welfare of you or our marriage is mine to decide.” He said he needed my full agreement and cooperation on this one thing or it could not work. It was one rule. I agreed.

Sheesh, who knew that he had me coming and going? Not me! And in truth, not him either. That took us a year or so to figure out. What does NOT fall under that one rule? (Ok, so how I wear my hair is mine to decide…but then he has clear opinions on things that matter to him and I do want to please him, so…) When you really begin to incorporate Dominance and submission as a living dynamic in your marriage, when you stop looking for loopholes and thinking “what if” and stop playing the game of “catch me if you can”, when you get really honest with yourself and then with him, when you realize for real that you are in the same boat, same home, same life, with your spouse, that his joy and pain is yours and yours his, you come to understand that there is nothing that does not fall under that one rule. You are intertwined and will be. Consequences for each and every thing you do exist in your lives. The question is how many you recognize and how many you choose to actively control. Active submission takes tremendous control, by the way. Self control.

For us Domestic discipline was always a means to an end. Rules were there to support, consequences to enforce, and he expected us both to use our heads and give it (give us) our best. I did too. When we began we used the term “consequences” rather than “punishment” and “cooperation” rather than “obedience”. It’s ironic to realize that several years down the road we were both comfortable with and do use the terms “obedience” and “punishment”, but now I think we’ve come back around to realizing that “consequences” and “cooperation” more accurately describe what we do and how we choose to live our D/s or Dd dynamic.

This morning on “What Does It Mean To Be Dominant” by Sir J, I read a post called Day In and Day Out   

He says:  So day in and day out she stays on her best behavior out of respect and day in and day out I stay on mine to keep her trust. …….

…..Can I punish her… of course I can… but why would I need to???

And that describes what we do, how we live too. Everything around that, Dd, spanking, punishment, was intended and does work to keep us in a place of respect and trust.

And finally…that is where submission exercises came in. I won’t go back into Dd Boot Camp, but it was not anything that was going to take us in the direction we wanted to go…to a day in/day out peaceful life filled with respect and trust.

Grant never needed to work much on his dominance. He was always dominant. But he had to work hard on learning me better, and some on understanding that controlling and leading were not the same thing, that making the decisions and making the best ones aren’t synonymous. He ultimately has become softer while staying firm in his core. He’s more openly loving while standing strong. He cares for me, coddles me, protects me and yes, he guides me. It’s not often that he needs to correct me anymore.

I was not a natural submissive, or maybe just had not yet found that place inside myself where I am submissive. I do love feeling that soft and vulnerable side of me, being the yin to his yang, but it took learning to open myself, become vulnerable, and it took accepting, deep down inside, that in our home, our lives together, he is the authority. That’s really how we live, day to day.

Way back when, after he shot down “boot Camp” I asked Grant if we could figure out a way to help me get more in touch with that part of myself that was there after most reassurance spankings (maintenance, which we do 2x a week), the softer side of me that was emerging. I sincerely wanted to be better, do better at TTWD, and I didn’t want punishment to be the driving force. Grant did not want to make a series of complex rules and he did not want to micro-manage me. And frankly, I am a highly competent woman, he’s very busy, and neither of us have the time to spend on that kind of thing. And there is this too: I did not like being punished. I like knowing he will, but I hate the receiving of it. Grant did/does not like punishing me either, although he got enough practice so that he is quite capable.  We did not want our version of Dd to be primarily about crime and punishment.

We talked and the first thing Grant came up with was an assignment. Now this may seem like no big deal to most of you, as many of you live with daily assignments, but I am a super busy professional woman, so to be told to organize a small area of our home within a specific time frame was a challenge. It was mostly a challenge to wrap my head around the fact that I had an assignment!  Then we addressed doing it not only in time, but not last-minute, and doing it well. He wanted it done with care. That went on for a while, varied assignments and then Grant, out of the blue, asked me one day, “Would you make me a cup of coffee?” when we were sitting together in the living room with company. I know…no big deal either, and I did it almost without thinking, although it seemed odd at the time. You see he rarely asks me to get up and do something for him. It was out of character. He is more likely to get up and ask if he can bring me coffee. Later he told me that was a little submission exercise…and he would be asking small things without notice more often. He still does this. 

Maintenance or reassurance spankings are always an exercise in submission. I am expected to not get sassy, take them well, to surrender. That requires focus each and every time, and I am more or less successful depending on my mood, the moon and our/my issues at any given time. Grant at some point started asking (telling) me to go prepare myself in a specific way for a maintenance spanking, dress or lack thereof, position, a non–specific wait time. Sometimes he does that for punishment too.

Grant gives orders. If we argue and I begin to leave the room, he might tell me to stop “Stop. You are not to leave this room.” I learned to stop. “I want you to end this discussion now.” “Please get in the car and wait for me.” “Don’t lift that.” “You are not to do those dishes. I will do them later.” And he means it!

I could go on and on, but here’s the real point; my life is a series of submission exercises. I exercise that muscle pretty much every day, and Grant helps me to do that. Sometimes to my frustration, and sometimes to my delight, and sometimes it just…is how we live. .Sometimes there is a more intense workout. Periodically Grant sets a night aside for bedroom ‘play’ that will have a heavy D/s component. We might have gone for a nice romantic dinner at a fine restaurant, have had a drink, be relaxed, and on the way home he will take my hand and tell me to be in the bedroom, ready, at 9 PM. And…anything can happen there. It might be spanking, it might be typical but delightful adult activities, and it might be that he does things that will push my boundaries and that please him. Sometimes they please me too. Sometimes I truly struggle to stay calm and open and to submit. He never hurts me, but he does push me. The details of that don’t matter. Use your imagination and do whatever comes to your mind (his mind) as something that would push your boundaries and take you to a submissive place.

Grant asked, not told me, but asked me if I would make our bed every day. (I’m not a slob but not an amazing housekeeper. I’m busy, OK? And not home a lot.) I have made our bed every day (that I am still home when he gets out of it) for the past 5 years…every day. It’s such a small thing, so simple. Is that really a submission exercise? I would say it is…for me. I do it with the intent to please my husband. I do it because he asked, because I know it makes him (and me) feel like I am attending to his needs and wants. I do it and each time I think “This is for him”. It is a small act that reminds me of my submission.

I believe one time when we began these exercises; I was punished because I did not meet a deadline for an assignment. Ok, maybe two? There was no reason except that I did not prioritize. I was testing and he knew it, and he spanked me. As a generality, punishment is not part of our submission practice. And why should it be? Why should I need to be punished to submit to my husband? Could he punish me…of course he could…but why would he need to?

Submission and dominance are states of mind more than anything else. We do specific things to remind us of our roles and to practice them. He does things to exercise our D/s, but our goal has been to learn how to relate day-to-day in a way that is harmonious. Grant does not dominate to dominate…he dominates because he is a dominant man, and because his commitment to consistently dominate helps our marriage run smoothly. I don’t submit because it’s anything other than the best way to make our marriage work well and be satisfying to us both.  We use various exercises to practice on a daily and weekly and monthly basis so we can keep ourselves in shape. I don’t fail at these or require punishment because I’d be embarrassed to, because he deserves better, because disappointing him would be worse than any punishment he might deliver. And, he sets it up so that there is little possibility of failure if I give it my best. I have surely made mistakes and disappointed Grant, but I would never disappoint the love of my life with intent.

Submission is about intent. It is a mind-set. You do whatever you need to do to create an environment where you are reminded on a daily basis to keep your submissive self to the fore when it comes to your relationship. If your focus is respect and trust, you slowly, day by day, week by week work to build that. What we learned is that it can’t come over night and won’t come in a week or in a year. I know…I wanted it NOW too. But respect and trust are built from the inside out. We still work on ourselves every day.

 

You also might want to read a post Grant wrote in 2009: A Question On Submission Exercises.

25 thoughts on “Submission Exercises: What We Do

  1. Sara, you are a woman of your word. I like that! (: Thank you for your post. I will be sharing this with my husband when he gets home from work this evening. This is an area, for me, that will be of great help. It’s strange how for him, just “knowing” that he is the head of our household is enough. But for me, I need to daily “practice” my submission for it to continue to grow. I mean, just knowing isn’t enough for me. I truly think submissive exercises will help me to keep in the right mind set. My husband is a very gentle person who would much rather serve and take care of me, problem with that is, it is difficult for me to stay in a submissive mind set, mostly because my personality is/can be strong and rather controlling. I’m excited about the possibilities this could bring into the dynamics of our new found lifestyle. Thanks Again,
    Jenn

  2. Ditto what Jenn said! M is a natural leader, and he takes very good care of me. I, on the other hand, am not naturally submissive. I tend to be a total control freak, even though I try not to let it show. I felt like I was doing a much better job at consciously being submissive until the week before Christmas. Long story short–all 4 of us ended up sick, though not at the exact same time, over the holiday period. That seemed to throw a major wrench in reassurance, and it hasn’t happened again since. Without those reminders, I tend to build up the walls and become increasingly “my own woman” without regard for how this affects “us”. I don’t want to feel and act the way I am, but it doesn’t seem to bother M, and I almost want to give up. I’m hoping after he reads your post this evening, he’ll see that he doesn’t have to rule with an iron fist, but that I do need his help so I can stay in a submissive mind-set, which keeps me calmer, and, in turn, makes his life better. Thank you for sharing your life with all of us!
    D.

  3. Sara, while you never intended your blog to be a place of instruction, it’s inevitable that it’s become a resource for wisdom and example. You’ve implicitly acknowledged that with your Question and Answer page, and I thank you for it.

    It’s funny that you didn’t immediately understand that giving (granting?) your husband the decisions over the health and welfare of your marriage would be so all-encompassing. I’m so new to this path, yet I saw it immediately! Partly because to justify my course to myself, I realized I had to take full responsibility for our marriage, and I gave a lot of thought to what that might mean in practice.

    I like the way Grant gives orders. “I want you to…” “Please…” “This is what will happen…” Firm, but respectful.

    “Grant does not dominate to dominate…he dominates because he is a dominant man, and because his commitment to consistently dominate helps our marriage run smoothly. I don’t submit because it’s anything other than the best way to make our marriage work well and be satisfying to us both.” It seems that in almost every post, you say something simple, as a plain fact, and perhaps without intention to educate, that serves as a kind of koan to those not yet as far along. Something between a goalpost to aim for, and a trigger for enlightenment. It’s why I read your blog.

  4. Sara, thanks so much for sharing this post. It’s really helpful to see how you both approach this in such a loving manner.

  5. Sara, thank you so much for writing this post. You know I’ve been waiting on it for awhile now. Ok, not THAT long, but I’m happy that you’ve finally shared more about this. I really like Kevan’s comment to you. I’ve already emailed this off to Michael for him to read and I imagine it will spark some conversation between the two of us. You know we’re always looking for ways to learn and grow and stay connected. He has no desire to micro-manage me and honestly I don’t need him to…but sometimes, I do need something from him, to keep things going I guess. I have a feeling that this is going to be one of those posts that I will reread a few times, but for now I’m just letting all you’ve said sink in. :)

  6. Jenn, I have a pretty strong personality as well, and yep, Grant started the ‘submission exercise’ because I asked, felt I needed his help. They have indeed helped a lot.

    D, I think it took a while for Grant to understand fully that this made me happier, a better woman and partner…and if he can help me to feel more connected and secure, it benefits us all. Once he got that he held the key to the kingdom of happiness, he was willing to use it. It’s a foreign concept and takes getting used to.

    Kevan that was lovely, very kind. I am very happy to share what we have learned and always hope it might benefit someone else.

    You are most welcome Jane. After all, it IS about the love…right?

    Grace, sorry it took me a while to write this. It was hard to gather my thoughts about what we do, because it grew organically over time, and and is now so common place. I kind of forget sometimes that not everyone (in the Dd world) lives this way!

  7. I really like how you point out that Dominance and submission are states of mind. It can be so easy to forget that and even easier not to discover it at all in the beginning.

  8. Sara… I have to tell you that I so appreciate all your wisdom that you share with us… we are very blessed that you willingly share your experience and knowledge with us. I’ll be sending this post to my S.. we are struggling at the moment and need a bit of guidance. I’m also sending him Grants post that you recommended… chocked full of level headed guidance!

    BTW… I read your post from yesterday (Boot camp)… Wow… you must be exhausted… I know I have been on that end of controversy and it is completely exhausting… I just want to say… praying for you!

    Thank you for all your wisdom and your kindness.. it doesn’t go unnoticed!! ((hugs))

  9. I agree, it is very much is a state of mind. I think its very easy to get caught up in all the spanking and punishments and rules when we first start out in this lifestyle but for me its just a continual learning curve and each and every day we grow and learn more. Its about trust and faith in one another. Trusting our HOH that he can and will make the right decisions, our HOH having faith in us to trust them to do that, not to hurt us, to have only the best intentions for us.
    I have found just lately that when im asked to do something I repeat in my head “submit to him, submit to him, submit to him” that includes when im facing punishment as well as being asked to do something I dont necessarily agree with, or want to do.
    Thank you again for another post full of wisdom and opening up a little more about how you and Grant make this work for you.
    i do learn so much from you – thank you.
    love and hugs kiwi xxx

  10. It is a wonder that Sara can so gracefully and clearly explain what we do as a couple to maintain our marriage in a joyful and satisfying way. As she says, I do not dominate for my own needs, I am just dominant, but not overly enthralled with it as a way to feel important. I just want to make sure that common sense rules are kept in order to feel like I am doing my job as a Masculine entity.

    Also, due to various reasons over the past 85 years, many women have come to disrespect their own Femininity as if it were a toxic poison they must rid their body of in order to be a “real” woman. I am not going to go into the problems with Education and Social mores that explain this phenomenon. I think most people understand it and live it.

    Unfortunately, in the process, many women have denied the value of Masculinity to their boys who have grown into men. This is not my opinion, but is documented research from some of the most talented writers of our time.

    It is time now to reconstitute the cooperative relationship that has long allowed couples to survive millions of years of reproducing offspring and raising families. I am not one to allow the fantasy that all men were beasts and all women were slaves to them. I find that an impossible reality knowing the kind of woman Sara is, and also, the kind of men and women I have encountered in my life, read about in history, and the results of whose life’s works I have seen. I am not documenting this belief because I am taking it on FAITH alone. Faith is a word that has been too long abused over the years in the name of progress. Our lifestyle requires faith in many things, not least of all, faith in each other–before or sans lack of proof.

    Does this mean the women were not, in many ways, oppressed? No, but please give credit that some men and women really did love and respect each other enough to maintain intact families over thousands of years–something everyone seems to want today but few are willing to sacrifice for in modern times.

    Women need to practice Femininity as much as Men need to practice Masculinity–I am only talking about the altruistically positive aspects of both.

    That Masculinity and Femininity are equal but different dynamics and facets of the Human Experience is indisputable. So, in order to respect both elements of humanity, it is time to practice, rehearse, study, explore and experience the core natures that are not only prevalent in human beings, but in all of nature’s incredible life forms.

    We are not above the intelligence of nature–but we do need to reinvigorate its basic dynamics.

    Oh, well, that was really long…oops!

    Grant

  11. I came up with the idea too.We were very much each doing our own thing..not at odds with one another…and in many ways perfectly capably…but I knew we needed a change in emphasis and Peter agreed immediately.Part of the problem was the fact I have to have a steely reserve and edge to me at work.This pervaded my mindset and behaviour at home.I perceived that I could not show any vulnerability,neediness or dependency.That kind of thing would have me outed at work bigtime.It is gradually becoming a blessed relief for Peter to orchestrate the details of a spanking ..the context,situation,timing and need.He is becoming more assertive.I want to be the best I can be.He says he does not enjoy punishing me because ‘that means something has gone adrift ‘.I am pretty sure that our older children have noticed a shift in the power dynamic.I’m absolutely sure that this has all led to a keener evaluation of what we both want for ourselves.Thanks for all the links : really, really helps. Sarah,LD,UK

  12. Yeah Lil, it took me a while to figure that out…it is indeed mostly a state of mind.

    Thanks a lot for your support Mikki! Yes, the cyber drama can get to you, but at the end of the day, it’s all pretty silly, isn’t it?

    I do a lot of self-talk too Kiwi, and it does seem to help!

    Thank you for sharing that Grant. I am sure it will help many.

    Sarah, I think our husband’s see things similarly. Grant also feels that if we get into a punishment situation, that “things have gone adrift”. 9 times out of 10 he/we have learned to catch things before that now.

  13. Loved the points you made here Sara…. I think Craig and I are discovering so much more of ourselves.. and as things get busy we change.. needs change and its about growing together.. I love the submissive exercises… its so important…. I appreciate you sharing the details of your relationship!

  14. Light bulbs are going off all over my head. And, yes, Grant, I agree with your post greatly. My lovely man was raised by a military wife whose husband was frequently on tours of duty. She’s an incredibly strong and intelligent woman who chafed at the boundaries she was forced to live within. She wasn’t allowed to take shop. She was discouraged from college prep classes. She married as a teenager and her husband had to write permission slips for her while finished high school and she hated all of it. I don’t think she meant to, but she raised her sons feeling like they were personally at fault for all for the plight of all women. Honestly, until I brought a HOH-led household up to him, and we started thinking about what that meant, I’m not sure either of us realized the unconcious forces we were dealing with.

    You say there is actual research on this? I think I’ll try to find it. I’ve read some interesting and scary research on little boys growing up these days – being left behind in school because their development needs are being ignored by the way curriculum is being designed with the result they’re being left behind, dropping out, unengaged…and in large numbers. Partly why women are outnumbering men in college now. Okay, I’m getting off track now. Just suffice it to say that I agree with you that the world is doing a number of men (and boys). One more reason to work this out before he is done growing up.

    I have seen T mull this over in his mind. I’ve been working on showing him respect and affection and being considerate of his wants and desires (simple things, but things I haven’t done since we were first married) and he is becoming aware. He will actually catch himself now when he is taking a passive tone. Stops… and then says what he really thinks and wants.. Then he smiles and swaggers just a little bit. It’s hard to know if he would have been naturally dominant if he hadn’t been guilted out of it from birth. He will absolutely resist wife-led projects. He hates them. And yet he tucks me in at night and always reminds me to wake him up if I want a drink of water or anything else. He’s a fabulous father. Very loving, very nuturing. Very complicated.

    Totally loving this blog…. Thank you both. This was better than the bootcamp post.

  15. Okay, that should say “one more reason to work this out before my son is done growing up.. sheesh. When will I learn to proof read? I betcha thought I meant my husband wasn’t done growing up….

  16. You know how to write things in a way that so easily lays it out on the table and makes sense of the things many of us wonder about. Thank you for that.

  17. Another good one, Sara. It’s interesting how individualistic ttwd is. We do things a bit differently at our house, as you’ve noticed. I appreciate how you’ve made things work at your house. And now, I’m thinking about my own post, so thanks for generating some thoughts.

  18. I waited till my husband read this to leave a comment. I didn’t know if he would get through it because he has such a hard time with the word “dominant”, but apparently you both use it the right way…lol…so it’s okay. I asked him what he thought and he shrugged his shoulders and said “sounds like what we do…or at least what we are trying to do.” He does some of those little things and I didn’t know they were on purpose, more in the moment. He grinned rather wryly at me and said that they were VERY intentional and he thinks about it quite a bit. Who knew? Thanks for jump starting us into a very fruitful conversation.

  19. Audra, we all do change and grow, and I find was we change how we do TTWD changes too.

    Lori, as Grant and I grew into this dynamic, we found there was a lot to learn bout ourselves, and yes, it helped with our understanding of ourselves and our children. Grant is a better father to our boys than he had or would have known how to be.

    Thanks for reading and commenting Lea.

    I’m looking forward to that post Mick!

    Susie: “He grinned rather wryly at me and said that they were VERY intentional and he thinks about it quite a bit. Who knew?” I KNOW Susie…right?

  20. Sara and Grant,

    Wow! Who would have known? This information was just what we needed! I emailed this to my husband and he thought your post was very informative. He used some of your ideas along with putting his creativity to work and came up with a few submission practices in place for us. This helped him so much in understanding that this is something that I needed. The truth is, it is easy to be submissive on the good days when everything is going smooth. He asked me, “Now what are you going to do when I give you an assignment and you DON’T feel like doing it?”. My response was, that is when true submission will be put to the test. And this is just what we have been missing, leadership/submission as a lifestyle, not just when he or I felt like it. In the past he would tiptoe around my “bad” days so not to rock the boat. Now, I think, I will be learning how to calm the storm in me, and learn to have better self-control as a direct result of taking my submission to the next level. Don’t get me wrong, for the most part I have really good days….it’s just that stupid PMS monster that sends the sweet submissive wife that I desire to be far away, while the monster rips apart everything we worked so hard all month to build. Anyone have any ideas how to kill the PMS monster??? LOL. Anyway…thanks so much for the much needed information.
    Jenn

  21. I’m going to forward this post to Mitch Sara. I have mentioned submission exercises to him but I have a feeling he is a little terrified of what I may have in mind :) What you’ve described here is very simple, small and not ‘way out’ things and they seem very logical. I think little things along these lines could benefit us. I much prefer these ideas to kneeling on rice. Lol! :)

    Dee x

  22. I notice right away that this post has less comments then the one before. Lol Actually I think that this post really hits it on the nose – what it is that we are striving towards in our relationship. We all do it our own way and make it “ours”. I like the way you and Grant interact and live in your marriage. It is nice to have someone who has “gone before me” to share what works for them.

  23. Dear Sara
    I so enjoyed this post. It spoke to me on several levels. I follow your post but rarely comment because my husband and I do not have a Dd relationship. We do however have a very loving and close relationship. In part this has been accomplished with your help.
    It has been quite recent that we have reclaimed that loving relationship after years of neglect … both emotional and sexual neglect. To our family and outsiders in the past we appeared to have a good marriage. The partnership worked well. We could be good companions to each other and we had established our patterns for resolving issues as they arose without much conflict. My husband is deeply committed to that egalitarian style of marriage and while it got us through the years of raising children and high stress careers it didn’t nourish the soul.
    When my husband’s retirement was approaching and the children had left home I started casting about to figure out how to get my real husband back. The one that I had married over 40 years ago. The key I felt was through our sexuality… or lack there of. Learning how to rekindle that inner flame in myself was my immediate goal. I found help through the internet through Betty Dodson and others. Spreading that flame to him was a greater challenge. Erectile dysfunction and reverting to childhood scripts of sexual repression had built a wall that I feared insurmountable. But I persisted. I was driven.
    I read books and blogs and attended seminars at my local woman positive sex store, Good For her. In the end I learned that being extremely open emotionally and sexually and working on developing my submission to him works for us. He is naturally not dominant, very different from Grant. Early on my submission elicited feelings of submission in him. But gradually this is changing and he has happily taken on most leadership responsibilities in our marriage and become dominant in the bedroom. In areas that are still mainly my responsibility I keep him informed and get his approval before I act in any major or important way. At a party recently I heard him talking to a friend about retirement. He answered the question of what he has been doing with his retirement by saying that his top priority has been working on our relationship and that he is happier than he has ever been in his life. I can say the same.
    One of the many books that I found helpful was “Mating in Captivity” by the psychotherapist Esther Perel. When I first started to read your blog I had a sense that you and Grant were one of the couples in her book. Her conclusion about our need to consciously develop and nurture an erotic zone in our relationships really spoke to me. I am sure that you are familiar with her work. Dd seems to me, as you describe it, to be an effective the real life tool to cultivate that erotic zone. Which gets me back to your post and why I de-lurked.
    You wrote: “Submission is about intent. It is a mind-set. You do whatever you need to do to create an environment where you are reminded on a daily basis to keep your submissive self to the fore when it comes to your relationship.”
    I am convinced that it is all those little things that you do in response to your Him and the loving things that you do to invite His attention and leadership that continually build and nurture that erotic zone and make for a happy and satisfying marriage.
    Thank-you for sharing.
    Regards,
    Heather

  24. Heather…

    “I am convinced that it is all those little things that you do in response to your Him and the loving things that you do to invite His attention and leadership ….”

    Yes! Eureka! That’s it! That’s it!

  25. Jenn you are so very welcome and I am glad the timing was good! As for that ‘PMS monster” we now use a pre-emptive spanking to deal with it, and it seems to help a lot. Have you ever read the article on spanking and hormones?

    Well Dee, to each their own…but this is what ahs worked well for us. Do let us know how they work out!

    Blondie, the last post was inappropriately personalized, got too much attention…just a whole lot of silliness and trauma-drama! :?:

    Heather, I am always particularly pleased when a non-Dd couple feel they gain something here. Most of what we do is about basic respect and intimacy, not about discipline. I will have to take a look at that book by Esther Perel. Thanks for the mention!

    Lori… :)

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