Morning Spankings

They’ve become a more regular thing around here. He likes to catch me on my way to work, dressed and ready.

husband spanking

G: “So…when are you due in the office today?”

S: “In about an hour.”

G: “Oh good, then back in the bedroom!”

S: “Grant, I still have things to do!”

G: “This won’t take long, I promise!”

He delights in flipping up my skirt, pulling down my stockings, and delivering a quick hair brushing.

G: “Who loves you the most?”

S: “Ouch!…You do!”

G: “That’s right!”

S: “Stop, you’ve made your point!”

G: I’’ll stop when I’m ready to stop.”

S: sigh…

G: “I just want to make sure you remember the love at work today Babe!”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1930's Vintage Ebony Hairbrush

1930′s Vintage Ebony Hairbrush

G: “Why are you running around my bathroom naked woman?”

S: “This is MY bathroom and because I have that big meeting today and I’m trying to get ready!”

He comes up behind me…

S: “Stop that! I’m blow drying my hair!”

Whack, whack…whack whack.

G: “I think you need to come into the bedroom right now!”

S: “I don’t have time!!!”

G “When do you have to leave?

S: “Graaaant!”

“That’s what I thought. You have time. This won’t take 5 minutes. Come in here!”

He pulls me over his lap, hairbrush ready…

S:  “Ouch! Ouch! Geez, can’t you just use your hand?”

G: “Sure.”

S: “OUCH! Why are your hands so hard?

G: “Because I work out. Now, (whack, whack) what’s the very most important thing in my life?”

S … “Me”

G: “That’s right!”

He spanks a bit more and then…

G: “OK, you can get up. I just want to make sure you know I’m behind you today.”

S: “OH, I’ll be feeling it! I love you.”

G: “Good! I love you too!”

Hitting The Wall…Again

How many times have you hit the wall in your DD marriage? I can’t count how many times we have, but this week was yet another crash.

It’s an odd feeling, to be so far along in our dynamic and to also feel somehow like we’re at the beginning of new things. It’s not a bad place, necessarily, to be changing things up, but in many ways it’s just as awkward as it was in the very beginning, when we were trying to figure TTWD out for the first time.

I’ve changed and so has he. And we’ve changed as a family, and that’s effected us as a couple and as individuals. And…we’re older. We’ve evolved. We’re in a different place in our lives. Perhaps new times call for new things? Maybe.

I began reading books on dominance and control, on submission and power dynamics in the last 6 months…more generic books that were not specifically about domestic discipline but about power exchange. Then we began reading a couple of books together. I think we were already venturing into new areas, but the books might have helped us think about TTWD in a broader context. We Dd-ers tend to think of ourselves as a separate and isolated group, but really, in my opinion, Dd just a version of many varieties of D/s dynamic. We like to define ourselves with titles and cluster into camps defined by our differences. I think the similarities of the many kinds of D/s relationships are more alike than not.

At any rate, like it was when we began, we are trying a few new things and Grant has pushed some of my boundaries. That’s been ok. Much of this has been intentional on his part and mostly ok with me…but some not intentional and some not well received. That gets us into that same old catch 22 we spun around during our 1st few years of Dd. Who’s in charge? Who’s call is it when something is perceived as too much by me? Are there and should there be boundaries? We’re in a 24/7 D/s relationship, but when should I, when can I, say “No!”. When is a “No” a necessary as opposed to a resistant “No”, and what should his response to that be? Is my saying “No!” simply wrestling for control or hitting a hard-line, something on the inside that is triggering, and that is causing me distress? How do I know? How can he know? If I tell him is it topping or telling? Can he receive my telling without feeling topped?

We went through a somewhat disastrous disciplinary interaction this week. It was very new for us, and it left me feeling more than dominated …something edging towards squashed. It frightened me.  I think Grant had no clue for days how seriously shaky I was. I simply shut down. He thought the shut down was a shut out, that I was angry, and I am sure I appeared that way. Anger is always a good cover for fear. I didn’t know what else to do but to step back and try to figure things out. Work schedules and some careful timing allowed me several days of complete avoidance. We barely saw each other and when we passed briefly I was careful but closed.When he pushed at me I froze and disappeared.

I just didn’t know how I felt, or how I should feel. It seemed to me that he had lost control with me, lost his temper, and that just doesn’t work for me. The essence of D/s is that the s submits to a D who is in control of himself, the situation, and then can take control of (care of) his s. Grant had seemed out of control. At least that is how it felt to me. To be VERY clear, he did not physically hurt me, not any more than any typical disciplinary spanking might. It was the speed, his anger and his tone. It was my fury and fear and that he let that sit between us. I was not physically hurt, although in my head I was sure I would be truly bruised. Funny that, because I was not bruised at all. Not a mark. But the intensity of the emotional interaction felt bruising. Maybe on the inside?

We went from two days of mostly silence to two of fighting, and finally this morning to being able to talk.  To be fair, he had tried to get me to talk to him, but then each time I expressed my feelings he countered with his facts. We got nowhere. It took quite a while to sort through, for me to be able to express without accusing him, and him to be able hear without invalidating me. And the facts are not the same from the two people who were in the room. I felt

he lost control while he felt he was 100% in control. I am uncomfortable with how he did things, while he felt it was called for. I am not sure whether it will happen again (at one point he said he “hoped not, but if warranted…”) or whether I might experience a repeat as emotionally hurtful if he went there again. I honestly don’t know.

I think that at the end of the day, if I don’t feel safe we have no ground to stand on as “safe, sane and consensual”, and I do believe Grant will take the new information that I was finally able to express this morning… that what he did scared me, made me feel like he was out of control (even if he wasn’t,) into account.  I think it was triggering for me. What he will ultimately do with that information, I’m not sure.

TTWD is no simple thing. Exchanging power, dominating and submitting, communicating about that as you MUST, is hard. Making a D/s relationship satisfying, effective, and ultimately graceful is the goal. TTWD continues to take effort. Doing it well is never a guarantee and growing means taking risks and being willing to stretch and grow. Sometimes it means learning to push through the fear. It also sometimes means backing up. We’ll see…

How We Have Changed TTWD…Our Kind of DD

I found this in my draft folder this morning. Oddly enough I was going to write about this very issue, but from a different place, where I am now. This was written last February. It’s interesting how we change, how our dynamic shifts and evolves, isn’t it?  I don’t remember what he had done, what I had done. I do remember I got spanked at the end. Well duh!

                                                                                 *********************************************************** 

I’m not having a good morning, and it seems he perfect time to write the post I’ve had rattling in my head since I read this by Saoirse: “He’s Wrong! Very, very wrong!” Her post actually turned into a 3 part series. I’ll also refer you to my own version from several years ago: “When DD is Not Fair“.

I’m angry. I’m hurt. And I’m at work early sitting on sore bottom. If you’ve read Saoirise’s posts, or mine, you’ll already realize that he real question is not what he did or I did, but how do I get myself from here:

hands on hips

To here:

turn the other cheek

I don’t want to be fighting with my husband. The issue has spanned several days and he told me to be home at 5:15 and there would be a punishment. I texted him back that he apparently forgot I had a date with my future daughter-in-law and her girlfriend and would not be home until later. He went out, and when I got home I went to bed. Then I received a text that said: “This argument is over tomorrow.” I did not answer. I was too angry. He texted me back: “I know you are there–” He’s smart like that. I texted back: “What?” Did I mention how angry I was? Then I figured I’d best say something more, so I added: “I am in bed going to sleep.” Then came, “Ok. Good night. I love you.” I did not answer.

I was up early this morning and hoped to sneak out early to work. Not to avoid a spanking because he never does anything first thing in the morning, but rather because I was angry, and wanted to simply be gone, remove myself. I had hoped to wrap my head around being punished when I did not deserve it before this evening. I knew e was not changing his mind and I was done arguing my point. He surprised me by waking very early and caught be dressed for work, coat on….

                                                                               *******************************************************

….and he insisted I take my coat off and come back into the bedroom, and he pulled up my dress, down my panties, and I was thoroughly spanked before work. Yes, I was indeed mad. I usually am when I am punished these days. (I really don’t do much to be truly repentant about at this point in our lives…at least not from my perspective). And yeah, he was truly sorry I was mad, and sorry he felt he had to spank, but not in the least sorry to spank. He sees it as his role, his prerogative, his responsibility and he works hard to the very best of his ability to never shirk his duties in our marriage!

So what has changed? I think mostly it’s that we have shifted into a place where the DD is his to have and to hold, as am I. He decides, he sometimes spanks, he forgives, and I am free to do and feel whatever it is I need to do and feel. The two may not always have much to do with each other and the big change is, that it is mostly OK with me. I have fought this for years. I have felt it was always my role to submit, but in my heart, if I was unjustifiably punished, I felt wronged in a way that always needed resolution before we could move on. It was a big deal emotionally. Now…eh, not so much. I still get mad. I still know when he’s wrong. And if anything I argue more and even while going to him and laying myself over his lap. Why? Because (unless the moment is causing me true emotional trauma) the worst that can be damaged is my bottom. I’ve let go in a new way. The man won’t beat me to death, and in fact he doesn’t beat me. He spanks me with a hair brush or strap, which hurts a heck of a lot, and which upon occasion might even make me cry…but then I can be mad for a while, and then it’s over. The fight is over. The discord is over. It might be we have come to some agreement (funny how a spanking can open up the blood flow to the brain and give a gal a new perspective). Or it might be I am as sure as I was pre-paddling that he’s an idiot  that I am right and he is wrong. I’ll be mad for a little while and then I will forgive him his deranged manly ideas, and we simply move on. He’s changed too. He doesn’t always need me to agree with him or to think he was right. After all, he knows he was right. He is always right. He’s a man. My man. He’s genetically programmed and happens to be an infuriatingly dominate and bossy sort and he mostly thinks he’s always right. And I married him and I love him, and that feature comes with this particular model. And yes, I admit it. I knew this about him going in.

Just this weekend we had one of those kind of spankings. A stupid argument, his hurt feelings, and a decision to spank me after dining at the pub with our son, which he told me on the way there so I could savor it. I ordered a martini as soon as we got there. He was wrong. He had said something really dumb wrong which he admitted to and apologized for, which was followed by a “But you shouldn’t have…” Yeah, so why do I get spanked while he apologizes? Because that’s the way we do things. Sigh…I asked for this. I need to be spanked even though I don’t want to be. I might be genetically programmed for that? I sometimes hate it but I accept I need it. So once again, he came into the bedroom when I was in my jammies and got out that damn ebony hairbrush.  I looked at him with a well composed and moderately challenging glare and asked “You’re kidding me right?” I tried to stare him down, and I find it’s important to always look surprised…to act like he’s out of his mind. Maybe because once in a blue moon it works, and just for my own self respect?

However, I was surprised he picked that hairbrush. The issue was small to my way of thinking and that’s some serious implement. We don’t always agree on what’s a small issue either :( . I braced myself and went to him when he sat and told me to come. I went obediently if not quietly over his lap. I was prepared for the worst, but he started spanking over my pajamas (which is unusual) and hard-ish, but not as hard as he might have. There were none of the usual “You know why you’re here, right?” The pajamas came down but after maybe 2 minutes he stopped spanking. He just held me there. I wondered what point he was making? Submission? He asked “Are you still mad?” I took a quick mental assessment and realized, no, I was  not mad. Not at him, not even at the spanking. I was right, but that had little to do with being over his lap. I told him honestly, “No, I am not mad.” There was no edge to my voice. I wasn’t mad. I was sorry I was getting spanked, but not mad. He resumed spanking just hard enough create that burn, and then he just stopped.

Grant: “OK, you’re done.”

Sara: “Ok. ……… Um…what is this?”

Grant: “Do you need more? If the spanking wasn’t enough…”

Sara: “NO! It was more than enough!” He was still holding me down, but had released his grip. I slipped off his lap quickly while I still could. “I’m just not sure what that spanking was about. Were you just making sure I would submit ?”

Grant: “Of course not.  I know you will submit. It was about making sure you weren’t still angry and that we could have a peaceful evening.”

Sara: “Oh.”

Grant: “I love you.” He pulled me to him.

Sara: “I love you too.”

It turned out to be a pretty good weekend!

hugs hand on butt

A Thought for The Day on Marriage

me we

How many times in my marriage has it come down to finding the balance between me and we? Countless times. It can’t be all about me. Not unless I want to be alone, whether married or not. On the other hand,  it can’t be all about the we either, because at its extreme, we could lose connection to our me, who we each are, being true to our real selves and our needs.

At it’s best we are both focused on the we, and the give is more than the take, and that makes lots of room for the me within the we. Other times one or both of us is not focused on the we, or we miss the others signals and one of us finds our me starts to lose out, to be ignored, at the worst times, to suffocate. In truth, you can’t have a healthy we without two healthy stand-alone me’s either.

This thing called a relationship is an ongoing and ever evolving balancing act, isn’t it?

D/s is simply a way to find a balance that works for us. It doesn’t change any of the realities of what a healthy relationship looks like. It is a means to the very same end.

A New 1st

It’s a time for new beginnings. My very first post was on September 1st 2007. That makes tomorrow the 6th anniversary of my blog, and also our 8th DD anniversary.

Thursday we packed for a long weekend in the mountains and I was to be ready by 12 Noon. He let me pick the time, but was clear he expected me to be ready when I said I would. What is it with men and schedules? It was an arbitrary time I picked and I should have said 1 PM when I meant 12 Noon because being early never bothers him. So I was rushed. I went into work to take care of a few last-minute pre-vacation details and then rushed home to pack. He picked up on my tension and decided he should remind me that 12 Noon was 30 minutes away and that I didn’t look ready to him. Does the obvious really need saying? Did he think I forgot? Did he really think making me stop to listen to him would help me be ready sooner? I gave him a look and a curt “Whatever”.

I was indeed totally ready on the dot of Noon, bags in the hallway. Apparently the Noon deadline was not all THAT important because he then felt fine in delaying our departure 10 minutes by insisting we needed to visit the bedroom and have a go-round with the hairbrush for my “Whatever” comment. It took a full 10 minutes because I needed to argue, remind him I was on time so he had unnecessarily aggravated me by thinking he needed to remind me. No dice. He reminded me that “Whatever” in that tone really means something less pleasant than me being kind and respectful (OK, so he does have a point there). I don’t often go OTK nicely these days. He spanked some measure of cooperation into me and then let me up. We would have been fine and done if he hadn’t needed to then add in, “You do know I don’t like having to do that?” It turned out that “As if I give a rip?” was not the response he had been looking for. Spanking round-two commenced and this time I managed to curb my tongue if not my thoughts.

And so another vacation began, and another year of a DD marriage begins. He’s sometimes flummoxed by my less than enthusiastic perspective on spanking and DD these days. We worked really hard to get where we are and I encouraged and responded to consistency and structure and discipline. Now…well I’m less encouraging and often don’t make his job very easy. But the truth is I’m actually really glad we still do DD, that he hasn’t given up on it or on me, and although I most often don’t appreciate it in the moment, it’s truly freeing to have a solid wall to push against. I wouldn’t like it much if he let me walk on him or allowed me to take the reins. I’d lose respect and then lose interest. I wouldn’t feel safe.

I don’t think there’s any right or wrong to our dynamic, and it surely is not for everyone, but it IS what works best for us. I feel very safe in my marriage when he’s in his Dom mode. I have learned and accepted that I simply do have a submissive core than responds instinctively to his Dominance, while there are other parts of me that are feisty and independent and at times rebellious. It’s really nice to be able to be who I am and know that he’ll deal with it somehow. It doesn’t always go smoothly, because neither life nor people are perfect. When he’s not at his best, on his game, I have to be more careful, more vigilant, and that leads to stress for me and ultimately then for him. When we have a good D/s rhythm going, we’re both better and more capable in multiple aspects of our lives, both in and outside of our marriage.

I’ve learned in these past 8 years that I really really like being taken care of and being dominated, and he really really likes taking care of and dominating me. That took a while to learn, to come to terms and make peace with. I’ve learned that I can be as strong and independent as I need and want to be and also have a need to be taken care of. I can be feisty, and still my inner submissive needs to be dominated regularly. We’ve both figured that out. I’ve done a lot of reading in these past months about dominance and submission in general. Our lifestyle is not a political statement, not connected to a religious order, and is not a model for anyone else to follow. It sprung from our personal needs, our psycho-sexual makeup, and then developed around who we are and what we want and need within the inner sanctum of our marriage.

I can only say that I am so glad we took the risk to find out who we are, underneath the masks of our normal everyday marriage, and I realize that the dynamic we have will be ever-changing and evolving as long as we continue to be able to learn and grow. This Thing We Do has elevated our marriage from ordinary to extraordinary. I’m very grateful!

It’s Been Five Months???!

Wow, I had no clue. I kept meaning to write….

Life has changed a great deal in these many months while I’ve been away from blogland, and in some ways hardly at all. I’m not exactly sure why I stopped writing. I think I needed a break. I think I needed to step away from the online Dd-D/s world, my friends and acquaintances, and allow myself (and us) to figure out how and who we were going to be in this new phase of our lives all by ourselves, rather than in the midst of influence and opinion. Does that make sense? Grant has asked me to at very least write and let you know we are alive and well, not despondent divorced or dead. Our new “3 D’s”? Post kids, post menopause, as long as we’re not any of those, we can handle the rest.

So many changes. It’s been a year of recovery and I finally hit my one year anniversary of the hysterectomy, which means I am mostly fully recovered (although I am forever changed). Hormones and vital internal equipment, or the loss there of, has an impact on a body and changes more than one would ever imagine….just about everything mind and body has been affected. I won’t even go there with what it does to one’s sex life.

Our family cat died. He was 16. Our dog died a few months later at 13. Our son and his girl were engaged. We gave a large engagement party at our home, met all the in-laws, etc, the people with whom we will share grandchildren one day. They are now planning a wedding and by this time next year our son will be a married man. Our daughter left us to continue her University studies. Today she’ll be gone a week. She’s far, no longer in these 50 states and I miss her terribly. She’s just where she needs to be and doing what she loves and I am also very proud of her. Our younger son traveled the country for 2 months this summer and came home to get his bearings and begin the next phase of his life. He’ll be 21 soon, and he’ll be living somewhere else by next September. Our nest is close to empty and Grant and I have been through illness and THE change of life, and …well… now what?

What now indeed. Neither of us wants to retire, even if we could, although I’ll be 56 soon and he’s in his 60’s. There are kids pursuing educations that we’d like to fund, and we both enjoy our work. But…we’d like to slow down a bit. We’re committed to trying that. Honestly, Grant is more than I am. I have a hard time with not living my life at warp speed. He’s trying to “help” me which at times is appreciated and sometimes aggravates us both.

I truly don’t know just where I’ve been or am going, but I do know if I had kept writing during this time I would have been a terrible example for all of my readers who sometimes look to me to be an example of the kind of woman they aspire to be. I’ve fought myself, fought Grant, called a break to Dd, recommitted, changed the terms, and now…well we’re still finding our way. But maybe I can begin to write again with a new perspective. I’ll try.

I don’t care as much as I used to. I know that sounds awful, but I always tell the truth here, as I see it. I am not as interested in Dd. I believe in it. I know it works for us and for me. Yes, I recommitted, yes we ‘do’ it, yes we have the same old rules and expectations, but the truth is I think much of my drive was to make a peaceful home for our kids, to set an example, to be what I was supposed to be at that time in my/our lives. Now…well now the kids are grown up and it’s more or less between us Grant and I, and I am sometimes less interested in being told what to do and when and why. I cooperate as much as I can and when I can’t I don’t. And yes, sometimes he spanks me for that.

The difference is that I don’t fret over it as much, not in the same way, and I do argue with him over it more. I have to do what I need to and he has to do what he needs to. I am very committed to taking this time in my life to be who I am. Most times that works out just fine. Sometimes it doesn’t, and he’s as committed to spanking as he ever was. So the dance is the same but the rhythm has definitely changed. He leads and I follow, as best as I can, and I don’t always care so much if I fall out of step with whatever number he happens to be dancing. Sometimes I just have to dance to my own beat, the one I hear inside of me, you know? And I do know we’ll come back together sooner or later, one way or the other.

My drive to be what he wants me to be is less, and my need to be what I want me to be is more, which might sound somewhat selfish, but it’s true. I don’t know exactly why I feel that way, but I do. Maybe I’m too old to worry about what anyone else thinks? I want him to be happy with me and I like when he’s pleased, but it’s important to me that I be who I need to be. Honestly, Grant is trying very hard to understand and support me. He’s even trying to support me when he doesn’t understand. He’s taken to leaving that damn hairbrush sitting out in the bedroom so it’s ever so handy, and I’ve take to avoiding him and it at opportune times. I’m more into a D/s dynamic, I think – when I feel like it. He’s become even more committed to our DD lifestyle.

Isn’t life funny, how things ebb and flow, how dynamics flip? I am now married to a true spanko (what the heck?!) who is convinced the lifestyle of Domestic Discipline is the only sane way to be married. In many ways I am along for the ride in this lifestyle now, as he had been in the first number of years when we started. When we started…maybe some 8 years ago?
So, I’m fine, we’re fine. I want to try to get back to writing, but I don’t want to promise in case I can’t deliver. And I want to read. I haven’t read one blog in months and months. When I logged into my blog today to post, I found 18 unapproved comments, numerous questions. I feel terrible for just disappearing.

Please don’t think I didn’t care because I always have. I needed to go away to re-find myself. Finding Sara. Hmmm, I guess the name still fits.